Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

if I disappeared no one would care

18 replies

lonelyfrog · 27/11/2023 15:58

I am so depressed. I'm a long time user but have name changed for this.

I have realised that if I died or disappeared no one would actually care – even my family would probably take some time to realise as they live on the other side of the world. I have no children (infertility), it has created a huge divide between my partner and I. It feels like he wants me around because it's convenient not because he actually loves me or feels anything for me. I try to catch up with friends and I see some people fairly regularly, but I'm no one's first choice as a friend or anyone's best friend. All my friends have much closer friends and groups and I never get invited out with them – it could be several months without even speaking to friends and unless I reach out we would just not speak again.

I think about the future and I'm so sad. I just see myself getting older and lonelier. I have a dog who I love so much but it also makes me sad because she isn't a person and she's not a child, and I know that one day I will lose her and I dread that day so much as I just won't have anything left.

I've tried joining social groups but any of the ones I have looked into have women who are much older and who I don't seem to have much in common with (I'm late 30s). When I have issues that I need to talk about, i reach out to strangers on the internet because I have no one I can talk to in real life.

I'm on antidepressants and I was getting counselling through the NHS but I don't feel like it really helped, and I can't afford to keep going privately (I've 'used up' the sessions offered by the NHS).

I just don't know what the point of anything is. I don't have family, I don't have real friends, and it feels like my partner doesn't even like me any more. This isn't how I saw my life turning out. I wish so much that I could go back in time and just change everything. I would have made such different decisions.

OP posts:

MerchSwyddEfrog · 27/11/2023 16:11

Infertility is so hard, I struggled to conceive so know what you are dealing with. Things do get better though and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know it doesn’t seam that way now but the only way to go from rock bottom is up.
I would recommend going back to you gp and speaking to them about the way you feel. I would also reach out to friends and family. Maybe you need some time away. Could you go and see your family for an extended visit?
im really sorry you are going through this difficult time but I’m sure lots of people would be devastated if anything was to happen to you. X

Original poster

lonelyfrog · 27/11/2023 16:21

@MerchSwyddEfrog thank you for replying. Unfortunately, the infertility is male factor infertility and there is no option apart from donor sperm, which my partner is not interested in. I would really love to go and see my family for an extended visit but am also finding it really hard even talking to them at the moment as there are quite a few very young children in the family. I feel like I don't have a proper relationship with them (as I'm so far away, and they are between 1 and 5) and it's quite painful to be around them and I'm just the weird aunt that lives on the other side of the world that they don't really know. It would also be difficult with work to leave for an extended period. I'm just so sad.

OP posts:

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 27/11/2023 16:22

We care x I know I'm only an internet random but I care about you and I don't want you to disappear. And I know with all my heart that there are many other posters that feel the same way about you too. 💐

frozendaisy · 27/11/2023 16:23

Would you consider moving to where your family are?
Take a leap of faith perhaps

whatfreshheck · 27/11/2023 16:28

frozendaisy · 27/11/2023 16:23

Would you consider moving to where your family are?
Take a leap of faith perhaps

This. What do you have to lose? Move closer and start afresh perhaps?

Restinggoddess · 27/11/2023 16:42

I am sorry to read this - I do think like PP you need to return to the GP
And whilst you may feel like you do t have the energy to discuss with your partner - you need to have it out with him. His lack of interest is impacting upon you - has he suggested adoption or anything? For men it’s different- if he suddenly changed his mind years from now he has many options. He needs to know - with bells on how you feel.
It is hard to see/ think everyone else has it sussed but they don’t - please don’t judge your success as a human being by what others are doing

Personally I am looking forward to the end of 2023 - in May we experienced the utter shitness of suicide- the ripples go on and on and on and on ….
If I could have five minutes to tell that person how much they meant to the community, their family and to those of us with only a passing knowledge of them - I would
There will be people who look at you and think you have it sorted - please, please get more help and tell people how things are for you
Please

SingaporeSlinky · 27/11/2023 16:48

Can you try again with social groups?. You say you didn’t have much in common with other people at the ones you've tried, but if you join ones to do with things you’re actually interested in to begin with, you should find people similar to you. A beginner’s walking or running group, arts, crafts, sports, womens institute, church, or even try volunteering somewhere? Organisations like Parkrun are always looking for volunteer marshals, or maybe scouts or guides. Locally we have community groups that put on events, local schools always need people to listen to the kids reading. The options are endless really, you maybe just haven’t found a good match yet.

cheezncrackers · 27/11/2023 16:52

Do you want to stay with your DP OP? You say you've drifted apart a lot and that you're not sure he even likes you any more, but do you like him enough to spend the rest of your life with him? You're late 30s, so if the infertility is down to him, have you considered ending the relationship and either trying to meet someone else or using donor sperm to become a mum on your own? If the relationship was great I obviously wouldn't suggest that, but given that it isn't, all options are on the table. Why are you here on the other side of the world too? Would you prefer to move back to where you're from?

BMW6 · 27/11/2023 17:16

Sounds like you're in a deep rut OP.

You need to make some changes - your marriage, where you live, having a child (one way or another).

Take one thing at a time

Do you want your marriage to continue?

MerchSwyddEfrog · 27/11/2023 17:57

I think you have some decisions to make op. Does your dp want children? I wonder if he doesn’t and that is why he’s not bothered about using donor sperm. Do you want to stay with him? Or do you want to go it alone and try for a baby on your own? I think for the sake of your mental health you need to move forwards. You have such a short window of time for having a baby you need to start prioritising what you want otherwise you will grow to hate your dp. Could you move back home and have fertility treatment there? It might not be so daunting with the support of your family.

MaliciaKeys · 27/11/2023 18:31

Leave your partner, go home to your family, let them support you through this rough time, then look into single motherhood through donor sperm.

Tusktusk · 27/11/2023 18:36

I would care. I don’t want you to disappear.

blueshoes · 27/11/2023 18:39

I agree. Single motherhood with donor sperm with or without your partner, if you want to have children.

Don't waste your fertile years on someone who may not be around forever. Try to get out of this rut. I know 2 women who did this on their own. Each of them adore their daughter and has given them fresh impetus.

Original poster

lonelyfrog · 27/11/2023 18:43

thank you for the replies.

for posters suggesting single mother by choice / donor sperm, would I not need a very strong support network around me to make this work? And to be in a stronger financial situation? If I up and left here, I would be moving back to a country I haven't lived in for 12 years, with no job, very little in savings, no home (I would have to move in with my parents until I had sorted out job and my financial situation), and no network of close friends. I don't think it sounds like the best set up for having a child surely?

OP posts:

cheezncrackers · 27/11/2023 18:58

I would have to move in with my parents until I had sorted out job and my financial situation and no network of close friends. I don't think it sounds like the best set up for having a child surely?

Friends generally don't help much with childcare - so moving in with your DPs and being close to your family sounds like a great idea to me if you want to pursue being a single parent - much better than relying on the friends you describe in your OP anyway. You say you have nieces and nephews too who would be close in age to any baby you had - again this sounds great - cousins for your DC. How old are your DPs and would they be willing/able to help you out financially if you confided in them your current dilemma?

DeadbeatYoda · 27/11/2023 19:21

If you moved home you would be near your support network. You have time to have a baby, f that's what you want. You are clearly depressed but it sounds like there are some things you will be able to change.
Why are you with your DP? It doesn't sound like you have a terrific amount in common if he is uni retested in children and doesn't seem to cherish you. Maybe you need a big life change to get you out of this funk.

Squiggles23 · 27/11/2023 19:28

@lonelyfrog I think you should plan a visit home and see how you find it. Yes it might be difficult seeing your nephews/nieces (I’m assuming here as they are family) as it will stir up those feelings. Potentially if you did move back though you could end up being their special aunty and it might give you something lovely whether or not you decided to ‘go it alone’.

Robotik · 27/11/2023 19:32

Where do your family live OP? Could you go and live with them, or near them, and take the dog with you?

have you considered alternatives to your partners child? Such as donor sperm? What you need to have a baby is a decent financial situation and stable home life. Friends etc don’t help me with childcare. My childcare is my parent and nursery. Do you love your OH? Do you want to be with him?

Flip