Do I say anything? Step back?

[Unhuman]

I'm not sure what to do, if anything.

So dd has been through has hard time. It all came from domestic violence. Her ex went to prison he's been in and out over almost 3 years. Because he keeps finding ways to break restraining order/license conditions etc. During the almost 3 years He's not been out longer than a week. Anyway social services came down heavy on DD. Its gone from PLO, to child protection now CIN.

We have all had a hard time due to knock on effects. Dd had to keep moving from temporary accommodation, to refuge , back to temporary. It was really hard on her and she found it hard to cope. That went on for maybe a year ? I have lost track a bit. Eventually we both moved and got housed under life in danger.

Dd was spending alot of time at my house. And when she was not here I often had her son so she could go to the gym and do something that's for her. Her escape. I was doing that around 3 times a week plus her visits to me in-between.

Grandson then started school. Dd now has another baby. And I ended up having baby GS 5 days a week. Actually it's a few hours each day . But it messes up my day. I decided to cut it down to 3 times a week. Dd throw a tantrum about lt going on about she can never go to the gym . She's never going to loose the weight she wants to , she never gets space etc I did feel guilty but stuck to it. Its been a few weeks or so. She then told me that she booked driving lessons . I told her I'm still only having GS 3 times a week. So she will have to swap a gym day from a driving lesson . This caused her to tantrum again. Her tone is very stroppy and its like she thinks it her right.

Sometimes I have her SW ring me and say dd is really not coping and she's struggling. Could I have the boys for a few days /sleep overs. Of course I can't say no to a SW. But then I see dd on social media messing about

Recently she's not been taking GS to school apprently she's to ill. so I'm waiting to get a call about that as well.

As well as all this going on I have had to manage my teen son. Who has been very hard work. He used to smash my house up , get very aggressive, and began getting physical. Ds also tried to end his life . Its been an awful time. My younger kids were scared of him. Ds is now getting support and starting to slowly turn the corner. He's now been diagnosed with emotional disregulation.

I have managing this on my own . I have felt very on edge , I felt I was ferging on having a break down. I'm doing a course for parents of children who have emotional dysregulation. One of the things they spoke about was self care. Everyone has a little something I had nothing . It was then it hit home. And I realised i have to start saying no. But by saying no im not sure if im tipping DD over the edge.

Just for info. Sw has Been told she can't leave baby with her boyfriend as he has autism and won't manage.

I have other children also.

Oh dd has bpd. So I'm not sure if that's why she reacts in the way that she does?

Anyway so do I say anything to the social worker. Or so I say nothing let her get on with it. But if the social worker contacts me should I be honest with her and say what I said here?

That sounds like a really rough situation, and one you appear to be dealing with well. It it were me, I think I would sit my DD down and explain everything- how you are feeling, all you have to contend with, how you want to support her and DGS etc but that if it's not taken seriously then you will have to speak to the SS? I don't think you can do fairer than that. It's detrimental to your own immediate family in the house otherwise, and to you.

I'm assuming you are part of the CIN group?

What do you mean am I part of the cin group.

I have already told dd what you suggested . She starts getting stroppy . Although I did not mention about the social worker part.

Just bumping

It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. Your daughter needs to talk to someone, a counsellor, a doctor, who can help her through her issues. She will be SO messed up by what's happened to her, and this can come out by her not dealing with situations well, treating those she loves badly. I know this, because I've been there. I've treated my family like shit because I didn't have the energy to do better, and I just didn't care.

I am now taking meds for my mental health and things are so different it's unreal.

You should stick to your guns and not do any more childcare, but also make sure she's getting the help she so obviously needs.

CIN group meaning that you are invited to the CIN reviews? It sounds like you are
part of the safety plan for the children, particularly if the SW is ringing you to support.

Part of the CiN group means are you invited to and attend the meetings?

Quite frankly yes you tell the SW that you have enough on your plate. People think SWs are monster’s desperate to remove children. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

If you do not tell the SW the extent of the situation how on earth do you expect her to help?

And your daughter abs the gym well that’s tough luck! Don’t go around having children if your life depends on going to the gym. She needs to grow up.

m If you baby her then she won’t have to grow up!

step back, right back. It’s the SW job to put support in place not yours!

Christ what a mess. I think you have done more than enough for your DD already and you probably need to take a step back, hard as it is because of your DGC.
Perhaps you, or a medical or social work professional should have a frank conversation about not bringing more children into this fraught situation if she can't/won't take care of them herself

I never thought about it like that. If I think about it steady had lots of intervention. To kero her and her child safe . Make sure gs is brkng looked after etc . But nothing actually for her mental health side of things .

I part agree with what you say. Dd has been through hell. She needs that down time at the gym. I have reduced it but I won't take it away.

I tried to talk to dd about going through with the pregnancy. She would not listen. I told sw my concerns they said they can't advice her not to have a child. He's here now it can't be changed so no point keep going back there.

In the case of support social services are quite big on family support. I could tell her what dd is doing though with her expectations.