I'm worried about my friend

[kate1996]

Sorry I'm new to munsnet so not sure if I'm posting in the correct place but I'm worried my friend is being abused. I'll try and keep it short but I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years so I can spot certain signs. Here's what I've seen so far...
She cannot see her friends etc whilst he is there, whenever I go over I have to leave before he gets home from work and she freaks out scared if she hasn't made the house clean before he comes home.
2) I've seen brusies
3) he gives me the worse feeling in the pit of my stomach.
4) I was with him and her in a car and I was talking to her about a story if heard in the news about a woman who had been killed by her boyfriend. He then joked that he would do that to her, made me feel weird
5) me and friend went to the doctors for her appt, he waited in the car and then said to her "what have you told them" and she said "nothing" to which he replied "best not have"
Anyway she's come to my house and stayed over before because she was scared during an argument and her children who I'm very close to have opened up about really not liking him and how he's horrible to them and their mum. I guess my question is.... What can I do? He knows where I live so I don't want to get into conflict with him and risk mine and my children's well being (I'm a mum of three) I know she wants to leave and will when she's ready but I'm constantly scared for her. Is there any way I can help her? She won't just kick him out the house because of the trouble it would cause her.

What’s making you worried

What are you worried about, is your friend in danger, do they want your help

I posted too early by accident. Its now updated :)

Isn't it obvious?

I posted early without finishing post. Its completed now :)

You can't make her leave. Women's Aid would be a good place to start, first to advise you and then to speak to her if she can find the courage. If she does decide to leave it will heighten the danger she is in so you'll both need protection and advice - Women's Aid is the best place to get that as far as I know. The hardest part of this for you may be that you can't actually do anything until she is ready.

I forgot to add that she is terrified to seek help from anywhere because she's in abusive relationships before and this caused her children to me taken away from her (she has her children back now) she's worried that if she asks for help they will remove her children away.

Well no it wasn’t obvious at first no need to try being rude

Are they his kids?

Are they his children, are they married, what's the house situation. Why would they remove her children if she seeks help to protect them, how old are they. She needs to put herself and her children first and not put them in harms way. It's really difficult, has she spoken to the police or do support.

Does she work?

No they are not his kids, they took the children previously because the abuser kept turning up at her house and she kept calling the police. Even though she had a restraining order against him he kept coming back and her kids were not safe. It was unfair. I agree that she needs to put her children first and I've voiced this to her. No way would I stay with someone if my children were in danger but this doesn't seem to make a difference. I think she's scared hell harm her or the kids worse if she leaves. It's horrible to see because I've been there. The house is hers, he's not named on the tenancy.

No she doesn't. X

She needs to change the locks when he's out. Does she have anyone who can stay with her for a while as he's likely to be pissed off in the early days and could come back to the house or could she stay in a b&b for a week or two?

You're not wrong to be worried, I think your friend is in danger as well. These repulsive men can sniff out vulnerable women and latch onto them.

Problem is, if your friend isn't ready to get rid of him, won't call police, won't ask him to leave, what can you do? It's got to come from her. Carry on being her friend, regardless of the bad vibe you get from him. Keep reminding her that you're always only a phone call away. Are the children old enough to have their own phones? Could they have your number in their phones so they could contact you if anything happened?

Not his kids, not his house, her children were placed somewhere before purely for their safety, not because of anything she did. Don't let history repeat itself, call the police if she is scared, have him removed, get a restraining order, have security measures at the house, contact social services, gp, school and dv line. Is it rented house, if he is not on the tenancy he has no right to be there and she risks losing it if the contract is broken, the landlord or agent will be more sympathetic if she acts now. We never know what we will do in similar circumstances and control is very hard to deal with,

Thank you for your response, you're right it's just so hard to watch :( unfortunately the children are quite young (10 and 8) I'm assuming they've been told to keep quiet about the stuff that goes on. X

I could have stayed with her but I'm breastfeeding my 7 week old so I can't leave her at home with her dad. I don't want to put any of my children in dangerous situations, she doesn't have anyone else unfortunately, mainly because she don't want to tell people the full extent of it. I'm just terrified i will get a call one day that he's badly badly hurt her or worse. :( I can't even message her phone because I know he has it constantly and now he's been sacked from work so he's at the house full time. She has hardly been in touch since he was sacked, I know going round there could just make things worse for her too. X

Next time you see her tell her how worried you are for her and the children’s safety. Explain that you know she’s scared of the involvement of professionals but if they find out a different way (the children say something at school, a neighbour calls the police etc), they will view it even more badly that she’s been keeping this secret and done nothing to protect her children and she’s much more likely to have the children removed again. Tell her you’re not going to force her hand (as that’ll likely push her more in to his arms), but you couldn’t not share your worries for her and the children as you’re sick with worry. Also tell her that you’re willing to offer any support she needs to leave. Then whenever you see her ask her how she is and when she answers ask her, how are you really though. Keep being a safe space.

Errmmm......hello?

Ermmm hello when I wrote this the op had only wrote she was worried about her friend so i asked what’s making you worried she updated it with the rest I’m not stupid unlike some

You can't help your friend if she's not ready to help herself. What you can do though is safeguard those children as she's not doing that herself. They're at high risk of abuse and you have to call social services to tell them that they're living with an abusive man. Now. Without delay.

Yes. They need to be removed from her if she keeps choosing to associate with one abusive loser after another. What a failure of a parent.