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Original poster

How to explain/negotiate house and school move to DS

21 replies

Umbellifer · 26/11/2023 11:24

I'm recently divorced, and I need to move house - emotionally, practically and financially. DS9 wants to wait until the end of primary, but I need a new start sooner than that. Plus as we're moving to a new area (still within reach of existing friends), I thought it would help for him to make new friends before going up to secondary (it's all on the same site). That would also help me meet some other parents, which won't happen at secondary.

How do I explain this to DS - I don't want to force things but I really cannot stay where we are for another 2+ years. I'm hoping we can compromise in the middle somewhere...

Thoughts?

OP posts:

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 26/11/2023 11:32

Perhaps explain that the only way to get into the best choice of school you have to actually live in catchment, which means moving before choosing the school.

TeenDivided · 26/11/2023 11:35

Is this maybe one of those occasions where you just need to say 'I know you're not keen but as an adult I see the bigger picture and we have to do this'?

ie Don't compromise/negotiate, just make it a fait accompli?

Biscuithelp · 26/11/2023 11:36

We moved a long way last year. I explained and sympathised but I did not negotiate. What we HAVE done is gone back for 3 overnight visits in the past year so the dc can keep up with their mates. The friendships are gradually fizzling out now which is fine, as they’ve made lots of friends in the new place

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FallingAutumnLeaf · 26/11/2023 11:48

You don't negotiate on that.
You explain, sympathize, come up with a plan for some of the obstacles if you can sensibly do it. But you also inform that it is happening.

FWIW, a devastated DS1, about 9 at the time, was won over by the fact new school didn't require a tie. Sometimes, it's the little things.

margotrose · 26/11/2023 11:53

You don't negotiate, you tell him what's happening and that's that, really.

You can be sympathetic that he's upset and that he's sad about it, but at the end of the day, he's nine years old and he doesn't get to choose these things.

Shalopea · 26/11/2023 12:49

If the new area is still within reach would you be able to move house but keep him at his school? That might be a compromise.

It can have negative impacts academically and emotionally to move school and he’s obviously had a lot of change to deal with as well, at home. So if there was any possible way to do that, or just hang on long enough to let him finish primary school, I would try to do that.

AnnaMagnani · 26/11/2023 14:28

You don't allow a 9 year old to have the responsibility for adult decisions.

You've heard his worries, can tell he is sad but unfortunately you need to move ASAP so how can we make the best of things?

SutWytTi · 26/11/2023 14:32

You don't negotiate, you have to be the adult and make the decision to stay or go.

He will be sad, you will be supportive and kind.

CleverClogg · 26/11/2023 14:36

you don't "negotiate" with a 9 year old in this situation. You tell them. Then you support them to deal with it

Original poster

Umbellifer · 26/11/2023 14:37

Thanks everyone, unfortunately moving house and staying at the current primary is unlikely to be possible (unless I find the perfect fixer-upper and rent in the meanwhile).

I guess I'm still trying to minimise the effect of the divorce (EA XH so no choice)...but once it's done I think the new start will be the best thing for both of us.

OP posts:

TripleDaisySummer · 26/11/2023 14:37

If you try negotiating it makes it seem like there is a choice in there.

If it's financial decision and for emotional betterment for you -you say there's no choice try and sell the positives and offer sympathy but beyond that it has to happen.

EwwSprouts · 26/11/2023 14:38

Just be clear there have changes and this is necessary to give you both a solid footing going forward.
You don't negotiate with a 9 year old over moving house! They aren't old enough to understand all the aspects and it isn't fair on them. You tell them you're doing your best and you'll be there for them as they adjust.

Sh1eld · 26/11/2023 14:39

Biscuithelp · 26/11/2023 11:36

Absolutely this; we moved just over a year ago and this was our approach. DS was sad but accepting. He was extremely emotional when he started his new school but settled very quickly. He still talks to friends from the old school (we gave him a phone earlier than we might otherwise have for this reason) but he will now describe his 'best' friends as ones from the current school. We visit for the day (its day trip distance) most half terms and holidays and meet up with various friends, this is now slowly moving to only meeting up with one or two closest friends which is fine.

GettingColdFeet · 26/11/2023 14:39

You don't negotiate, you explain, but as an adult you do see the bigger picture that young children just can't. I agree that making friends in primary is a good way to ease into secondary school. Your emotional and financial needs do rank higher than your child's wishes. The old adage about putting your oxygen mask on first rings true here.

I might consider trying to plan a move for the Spring/Summer term if possible, the weather is nicer and it might make it easier for meeting up with old friends as well as new ones. The offer of a summer 'party' with old friends might be something to consider if distances work?

silvertoil · 26/11/2023 15:02

I think you're right about making friends ahead of secondary school so be confident that you're doing what's best for your DS.

Starlightstarbright2 · 26/11/2023 15:08

You have been in an EA relationship. , but you are in charge . You think it’s best .

You don’t negotiate .you can sell what’s happening as a positive , you can talk about stating in touch usually games consoles .

loads of children change schools for many reasons . In primary they are a new novel person .

going into an unfamiliar secondary school knowing no one is much more daunting.

TeenDivided · 26/11/2023 15:11

Plus you want to be in your new address by October of y6 anyway to apply from it to Secondary. Better to move earlier.

WrongSwanson · 26/11/2023 15:13

Is your ex ok with the move? My daughter and I both wanted her to move school but my ex flatly put his foot down (even though it's nearer his house). I have run out of money for, and trust in, the court system so she's staying where she is

PonyPatter44 · 26/11/2023 15:46

You can't negotiate this sort of major decision with a child. He needs an adult to take control and make decisions. He's probably had a pretty scary time of it up till now, so he needs to see mum being strong and taking charge. Let him choose the decorations for his new room or something.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/11/2023 01:10

Long term, they will be ok. Short term, they will grizzle.

After being in 4 different primary schools and knowing we were going to do another big move my DS2 asked to stay at his primary until it ended and to move when he was moving up to secondary school. Where we moved to, if you live in catchment they HAVE to accept the children's enrolments. So I was able to accommodate that. But if that hadn't been the case then I would have moved prior to school application cut offs to ensure he got into the secondary school of choice.

He has asked to stay at the high school now until he graduates, and I have promised I will do my best, but I warned that if we have to move he might have to catch a couple of buses or trains (depending on where/why we move to) to get to school and he was happy with that concession.

When a marriage breaks up you don't always have the luxury of choice. Some decisions are mandated by finances and there isn't much that can be done about that.

Original poster

Umbellifer · 28/11/2023 08:14

Thanks everyone we've now had a good talk about it and whilst not exactly wild about the idea, DS is beginning to accept it. XH is just going to have to put up with it (still able to keep same arrangements just a slightly longer drive), as its entirely his fault we're in this situation, not that he accepts that. Just need to sell the house now...

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