You know who your friends are

[WhoNeedsFriends]

I've always heard that saying of "you know who your friends are" when you go through a hard time in life and I hadn't really thought much about it but now that I am going through my divorce I get it. Some friends have been absolutely amazing. Asking me how I am and being interested in the details. While also still sharing what's going on in their life. I had one friend who played it down that she was getting engaged as she assumed I wouldn't want to hear about it but I absolutely wanted to hear about it and share her excitement. She understood and that was fine.

While others seem to purposefilly not ask about how I am doing and where I am upto with the divorce and it upsets me. I have been trying not to let it get to me. I guess they assume that I don't want to talk about it. But it bothers me that I am left feeling like they don't want to talk about something as it's mildly uncomfortable for them or they would just rather talk about themselves.

I am trying hard not to want to cut them out of my life as I think that's a bit harsh. Hopefully once I've got through with the worst bit of the divorce the friendship can just go back to how it was. I'm not sure if that's realistic though as I feel like I'm building up resentment to them.

Any thoughts? Am I being to harsh? Maybe I just need to accept what they are offering me...a friendship but with no support. Maybe I shouldnt be expecting support. Maybe thats too intense. I don't know.

Divorce is like a kind of death.
Some people know how to manage it with their friends and some don't.
Nonetheless you might find that you weren't that close to all of them and so if some drift off, maybe that's for the best.
Perhaps some of those that you want to keep may need you to say, "please let me talk about it with you if you don't mind? "
If they do mind, well, at least you know.

Yes, I found that as well.

I went through a really difficult period with serious health issues and was open about it with people.

So many just disappeared and never bothered to check on me.

I did not expect people to support me as I am really independent, but it really hurt that they could not even be bothered to just send the odd message to check that I was still alive and kicking...

I must say this has made me realise that these were just acquaintances who were happy to be around when convenient for them and not real friends.

I think it is OK for you to cut them off.

I would not do it dramatically with a confrontation, as you don't need more stress in your life, just don't reply to them if they try to make contact again in the future as you know what they are really like now...

It also makes space in your life for you to meet new potential friends.

Sadly I know all too well, I had the worst thing I think that can happen to someone as my DD died.

What I have always said is we can talk about it when you want to or we can not talk about it the choice is yours and I’m fine with both. I am supporting three friends who are divorcing currently. Kids are all just leaving home and the proverbial shit has hit the fan as people realise they have nothing in common.

My take is people quite like a bit of low level unhappiness so they can feel like rescuers and also a bit of schadenfreude thrown in.

I generally feel of some one wants to talk about something they will, but often they don't, so I'm not going to probe. I'll ask how they are getting on, if they want to come out and take their minds off things, if they need the kids off their hands for an afternoon. Depending on how they respond I'll change the subject or put the kettle on!

I think with divorce, you tell people and those with genuinely happy marriages see it like the worst thing ever as we are programmed to want a life partner and it is sad when it goes wrong. Those who don't or have been divorced have a more measured view and can be understanding.
I found that really, no one was interested in the details of my divorce and I was very alone with the whole thing. Unfortunately people have very hard and busy lives these days and its more luck if your friends will support you. Mumsnet is always here for support and always someone up to listen so not all is lost. Good luck OP. 🥰

I lost a load of friends when I went through a divorce. I don't know what it is, but people act weirdly around divorce, I am not the first person to say this. It wasn't even a case of 'picking sides', they weren't friends with my exDH. Not one of those ex-friends asked how I was during the divorce, made no effort to come and visit me at my new house, and these were friends I saw or spoke to every day. I made the decision then that they weren't really friends and moved on.

I found the same. And it's ongoing in that some people don't treat you the same way afterwards. I know there are events I am not invited to as it's all couples which I find a bit sad & irritating but I'm used to it now.
I have come to think that seeing a couple split & divorce scares some people because they think it could happen to them which is why they avoid the subject or the friend.
Good luck OP xx

It’s similar with a bereavement as well.
It’s not so much who your friends are, it’s those who come through in a crisis.
You get ones who are so supportive, maybe too much so as you may not feel up
to chatting, etc, but you should be able to say so.
Ones who are ‘there’ but at more of a distance (or you’d expect them to be more supportive but they can’t ‘handle’ it). My ‘best’ friend is one of these types.
People who ignore it all and blank you or don’t get in touch. Someone I know ended a friendship because our mutual friend pretty much ignored her when her dh was diagnosed w cancer. Weirdly the mutual friend asks after the dh to me cos I still see them. They are practically neighbours as well whereas I live a mile or so down the road… (in terms of when practical help was needed).
I always say there’s nowt so queer as folk!

I did my divorce completely on my own, people run scared at times like that. I'd equally say friends show themselves more in times of celebrations. If you have good news to share and they're still not anywhere to be seen, they're not friends.

Wow thanks everyone. All replies have been so helpful. 💐🙏

When I say support I just meant emotional support not me crying down the phone but just having those check ins means so much to me.

The particular couple I'm thinking of I have been friends with the guy for 10+ years. I feel like I've been there for him in tough times like when they had an unexpected pregnancy. He was very overwhelmed and I would say I emotionally supported him.

I get on with his partner maybe she feels it's not her place to ask about it. And he's said some very shallow/minimal I hope you are OK comments when I have spoke about it but has never asked me how I am getting on when we have catch ups. I'm not going to do any dramatic cut off. I'm just going to lower my expectations and see how I feel.

Now thinking about it I think they just don't know what to say, do or act. Like rabbit in the headlights. Maybe it's not a reflection of how much they care.

I've got friends that I meet up for playdates and I don't expect check ins from them or even to talk about it when we meet and that's been fine, exactly how I want it really.

I just had higher expectations for my longer term close friends who I have been there for.

Neither of my bridesmaids could be arsed with me when I had children and moved 30 mins drive away. My other oldest friend stopped bothering when I told her I had bad pnd. People are weird and tbh I've just given up.

@superplumb sorry to hear you have given up. How's that going for you?