Helping sister with suspected ADHD

[Onebabyandamadcat]

sorry it's become longer than I anticipated!

My sister is in a bad place. In may we discovered her partner had been abusing her and the police were called after someone in the street heard a domestic incident. When the police arrived at the house they were so worried about the state of it they took photographs and referred to social services.

Following this my DNiece went to stay with my parents for a while so that the house could be sorted. My DSis has now been offered a new home (housing association) in a completely different area. The new home is fabulous and far away from her ex. It's a real fresh start for them both. My parents and I have been working for a month to get the new place ready and kitted out as her ex wrecked pretty much all her furniture. She was supposed to be moving this weekend.

Yesterday she called upset telling me she couldn't move as she couldn't get packed. At this point I'll add she and I strongly suspect she has ADHD - she struggles to stick to tasks, is a hoarder and when she does focus on things it's usually the wrong things to prioritise (for example she'll sit and sort her spice rack into labelled tubs but not tackle the pile of dirty dishes in the sink). I arrived at hers to find a few boxes haphazardly packed and the house in such a mess it's indescribable. Piles and piles and piles of clothes everywhere (some washed, some not, some the right size, some not, some from 15 years ago, lots still with tags), rubbish piled up and everything dirty. I had to climb over things to get in.

I spent all day yesterday trying to help pack and throw things out. We threw out 20+ black bags in addition to broken furniture. Her bedroom and DNiece's are now packed though not remotely in an organised way as she would argue with me that there was no time and she just threw stuff into bags or boxes. I left her with the task of doing the large cupboard in the hall last night. I'm going back today to hopefully pack the rest.

Ironically she has a ridiculous amount of cleaning products -multiple Hoovers and mops and enough potions to stock a shop. She just never seems to be able to use it and keep on top of things. I desperately want this to be a fresh start for both of them and for it to work out but I can already see that as soon as she starts to unpack her new place is going to be just the same.

I'm the opposite of DSis and while my house might not always be showroom standard it's always clean and tidy. Everything has its place and I can't relax around clutter and mess. So I know my reaction is simultaneously justified and also looking for too much. How do I help her get into some sort of order in the new home? I know an ADHD mind works differently to others and get that she struggles with making plans and gets overwhelmed. Anyone with ADHD or experience in this area have any tips?

ADHD medication is probably a big part of what’s needed here. Obviously that’s a long way off - but as a first step she needs to get on a diagnostic pathway.

Without medication, things are far more difficult. There are strategies and approaches that work well, so some sort of adhd coaching might help.

In terms of actual household management I’ve found Dana K White amazing. She has books, podcasts, YouTube and Instagram. I’d recommend that you listen to some of her advice yourself, particularly the episodes on helping others (and what is counter productive)

But none of this is likely to help her if she’s not in a place to reach out for some of it herself. And trying to fix or change her or make her more like you, is damaging even though you clearly mean well. It might be more beneficial to accept that this is a genuine and legitimate struggle and it could take a long time for her to get traction. Focus on being there for her rather than setting both of you up for failure by being too solution focused iyswim

Thank you! I'll have a look at those
podcasts.

I know that forcing a change or trying to make her like me isn't right. I'm not trying to do that but she's asking for help so just trying to find some practical things that might help. I'm thinking maybe a weekly calendar dry wipe board with a task a day to help break it down? Or maybe help her make a short list that needs done every day but doesn't take long like wash dishes, make bed, put a wash on.

Anyone with ADHD - are lists helpful? Or just another overwhelming thing?

Ultimately things need to change DNiece cannot live in these conditions so either she changes and maintains their home to a basic standard or she risks losing her daughter

She's lucky to have a sister like you.

I think lists can help but not if they are too long.

Don't put anything on the list that is not essential. For example, I'm a perfectly capable and functioning adult but I don't make my bed every day so don't put that on the list. If she has a duvet, it's really not important it's just adding to her mental for no reason.

Also, get her to help make the list and work out what needs to go on there. Don't present it as the finished article.

Thank you! I'll try and sit down with her and get her to make a list and maybe just try to offer suggestions. Some reading this morning has emphasised the need for it to be short, manageable things. I'm thinking a list that will take something like 20 mins so it's just a short blast with a sense of achievement fairly quickly.

Trying so hard to bite my tongue and just help her work out how to help herself. Please anyone else keep the suggestions coming. I think this is a watershed moment for her and if there was ever a time to try and help her to improve the situation it's now but I want to do it in a way that actually helps rather than just adds to her stress and sense of failing