Do you tell people what they want to hear?

[MyDogSmellsTerrible]

Or are you honest?

My friend has been messaging me because she's realised her DH is still cheating on her. She has young children and says because of them she can't leave him and then makes lots of excuses up for his awful behaviour.

In my head, I'm screaming "LTB" but I don't say it out loud because I know she won't and then it will become awkward when she doesn't.

Got me wondering whether I'm a people pleaser who just says things people want to hear. Would you just be honest with her if you were me?

It depends on how close I am to the person and how I think the person will react based on past experiences. So one friend I told her dp was an arsehole and she could take it in the apirit it was meant. Another friend atm is in a weird dynamic with an emotionally abusive tw*t, but he takes her to nice places and then she posts pictures of them being lovey dovey despite the fact they hadn't spoken for weeks before the trip. I just know if I say anything too frank about it all, I'll end up being ostracised and she'll still be with the barsteward. So I give little hints of how I wouldnt put up with it and Im there to support her because I dont want to lose the friendship

It depends on the person.

My adult dd is vile if you say something she doesn't want to hear so I just always say what she wants to hear it's easier. Everyone else I usually say the truth though.

Be careful.
Mate A was having marriage problems. Mate B agreed that A's husband was being a dick, and encouraged her to leave. There was a separation, but they're back together now. A and B are great, but A's husband now refuses ever to be same room as B, which makes get togethers difficult.

Sometimes. You just have to judge it based on the situation at end.

If I want to be supportive, I check what they want from me in your situation, OP. A shoulder to vmcrt on? An ear to moan into? Nod, pat hand, agree she must stay? What I would do in her situation? What I think she should fo in her situation?

Then react accordingly.

I think people get confused by ‘i just tell it like it is’ in opposition to ‘telling people what they want to hear.’ But I don’t think that’s the case here. There’s no need to pick between those two options. There’s no benefit to you telling your friend to ltb. Talk it out with her, let her reach her own conclusion that she’s happy with, be supportive of the decision she makes. you don’t need to pass judgement.
that’s not telling her what she wants to hear though, it’s just communicating in a more intelligent and actually useful way.

I ask if they're looking for support or advice. In the situation you mention, I'd step back and wait to see if she decided she and her children deserved better. Then I'd be there to help. @

Thanks, I think that's exactly it. I know she doesn't want to know what I think. She hasn't asked so I haven't told her. It's not my place to tell her what to do. I know her other friends keep telling her to chuck him out, which I think is why she talks more to me.

I get the impression she just wants to vent, and that's fine. Just wondered whether I was being a bad friend when I agree with her that this time he probably is 'really really sorry'.

Just wondered whether I was being a bad friend when I agree with her that this time he probably is 'really really sorry'.
i think you are being a bad friend if you’re saying this, if you don’t believe it.
it’s not give your unsolicited opinion or agree with everything she says and lie to her face.
you can let her vent, you can keep your opinions to yourself, but you don’t need to lie

Pretty much always tell the truth. I hate lies. How I say the truth depends how fragile the person is that I'm taking to though.

I hear you. I really do. But she literally said to me "I think he's actually sorry this time".

She doesn't want to leave him. She won't leave him. Ever.

So what's the point in me saying "well actually I don't think he's remotely sorry and he's definitely going to carry on sleeping with this woman behind your back?"

If I say "leave him, he's an arsehole", she still won't leave him and then she'll know that I think he's a prick. Which will leave her with one less person to talk to.

It's not really black and white. I'm really struggling to know what or how to be.

I also think your responses are black and white. There are definitely other things you could say that are supportive but a bit more accurate to how you feel.

I think he's actually sorry this time".

Your response could be:

I hope so.

For your sake I really hope he is. This all sounds so painful for you. I know you want the best for your kids. I hope he understands how much this hurts you.

Why do you say that?

What makes you feel that he's really sorry this time?

Do you think this will be the last time?

Wow , you have a daughter like that too I thought it was just me . I'm not really honest with people because of the way my daughter reacts and how nasty she can be and it has turned me into a total people pleaser . I tell them what they want to hear just to keep the peace .

Yeah, funnily enough though, I think she's starting to realise that I do that to her . A few times now she has said to me "I don't mind if you disagree with me honestly", as though she knows now, that people just humour her. But then, she knows why they do and I think she feels sad now that people don't feel able to be honest to her and that she'll never really get the truth out of them.

I know what you mean 😂 I don't enter into that type of discussion with her now . I just say " I really couldn't tell you dear " she hates it when I call her dear . She said recently we only seem to talk about mundane stuff ? .
Yeah no shit I wonder why 🤔 .
If anyone asks my opinion on something going on in their life I make an excuse or change the subject .

Depends on the situation. Most of the time no! Lying is not good

I tell people what they want to hear because it leads to and easy life for me.

You say the sky is green? Why, so it is, what a beautiful shade.

I just can’t be arsed.

I tell people what I think when they ask me but with zero expectation of them hearing what I've said

In your situation though, I’d just be there to listen to her when she needed it.

And I don’t see it as a people pleaser thing at all. I’m not a people pleaser - I’m a me pleaser.

What would telling her to leave him and her possibly getting angry and defensive at you add to your life? Nothing. Well, nothing but stress.

Just listen if she wants you to but that’s as far as I’d go.