I’ve been thinking about posting for a few weeks, but it’s been hard to put things into words. I’ve hit a point of absolute exhaustion with pretending things are okay, I can’t stop crying and I don’t really know what my next steps need to be.
I’ve not had a great year. We moved to a new area in the midlands for DH’s work. I had DS2, he was in hospital with sepsis shortly after being born, DS1 was excluded from school for reasons linked to his additional needs (not engaging basically… it was shit) and I had DS1 and 2 at home full time for a year. We ended up incredibly socially isolated as I couldn’t access baby groups, DS1’s behaviour became really hard to manage if I took him anywhere, so we were basically housebound for the best part of 12 months. This was along juggling a full time university course. DH did what he could, but between 8-6 it was just me. I was openly suicidal over the summer and was told by my GP it was just the baby blues, DH said he was sick of being the strong one, I just felt I needed to try to carry on.
I went back to work in September, a promotion I’d had while on maternity. I was really looking forward to it. I’ve found the team hard to talk to, I’m often excluded and cut out of discussions, and someone I supervise has been talking to pretty much everyone about how she feels I shouldn’t be doing the job as I’m part time, not committed enough, don’t have a suitable background… I’m being allocated barely any work despite trying to be proactive, offer to help others, volunteer for projects etc. but I’m generally sat doing nothing. No one really speaks to me at work. I feel just as isolated as before.
DH’s birthday is today. He’s upset by the card I got (jokey) from the kids and doesn’t like any of his presents. I just feel so perpetually useless and worthless. I’m just shit across the board, parenting, being a wife, work, barely scrapping by with uni work. He’s popped pot, unable to hide how disappointed he is, and I honestly wouldn’t be shocked if he took the kids and left me at this point I’m so fucking useless at everything.
My relationship with food is horrendous. I rarely eat breakfast or lunch, and struggle to prepare basic meals and opt not to eat myself a lot of the time, I don’t know why. I struggle to keep on top of the cleaning, and general life things. I just want for it to be time for bed and I’m constantly exhausted.
I just feel like everything is snowballing. I just don’t want to be this was anymore. I’m just lonely, feel like I have no real purpose, feel totally incompetent.
I’m also sorry I’m turning to mumsnet. I really don’t want to tell DH how I’m feeling, and to be honest I just don’t feel anyone I could talk to would be supportive at this point. I’m not looking for sympathy and really don’t feel I deserve that, but I just feel absolutely lost and not sure what I can do to make any of this better. I’ve popped this in chat as I feel it links with everything from relationships to parenting to work but I’m sorry if this isn’t the best place to put this.