How can I help my 16YO DN re: his dad's DV?

[HighFiveMummy]

I am close to my DSis who has a 16 YO DS who I am also close to. My DSis and her ExH don't get on at all. They divorced when DS was 6 yo following a serious DV altercation where DSis ended up needing stitches on her scalp. Anyway, throughout the years, exH has tried to get custody several times, not because he really wanted to, but to get back at my DSis. DSis never told DN exactly what happened, never spoke badly of her exH in front of DN, and never stopped DN seeing his dad as he was never physically abusive towards him.

A few months ago DN started asking a lot of questions, I think deep down he always suspected. Finally DSis told him what happened. As a result, DN has stopped seeing his dad, who is furious, blaming DSis for the abuse, lying, etc. While DN is trying to work through this, he has also developed this anger towards his mum for having him in the first place with a man she had doubts about from the word go.

DN and I are close and he talks to me which is good, but I am about to leave to spend a year in Namibia for work reasons, and I worry about his state of mind. His college have provided counselling but he hasn't wanted to be too open with them. His world has been turned upside down. It is going to take a long time for him to re-build some sort of a relationship with his father, and my DSis won't ever be obstructive to that. What I am worried about, is the way he feels angry and resentful towards his mother for having him with this man when she knew what he was like. I was wondering if there's any age appropriate resources I could provide that will help him work through this.

Bump

Oh dear! Perhaps women’s aid have resources on their website? There must be something. Sorry I have no expertise.

I think his resentment may be around the deceit as well. He may not realise that but in reality both of them have "lied" to him for as long as he can remember.

Your DSIS thought it was the right thing to do but it's horrible to find out someone you've invested in a relationship with isn't who you thought they were. He's had suspicions and doubted his own thoughts.

I do understand where you're coming from @RandomMess, but DSis waited until DN was mature enough to understand.

It’s a horrible situation for all of them.

Can you ask him what in particular he’s struggling with? It may help to know.

The thing is, you never really know what a man is like until you have children- though perhaps phrase that but as ‘until it’s too late’. You don’t want him to think it’s his fault she stayed.

It’s also ok for him to find this hard. His anger is perfectly reasonable.

And he doesn’t have to rebuild a relationship with his dad if he doesn’t want to.

And it’s ok for your sister to apologise and say she tried to do the right thing but it’s not always easy to know what that is!

It's perfectly healthy to feel anger. He's feeling his feelings, putting up boundaries, processing, etc. It would be worrying if he didn't. A good counselor would be helpful, are there other resources around who specialize in DV? Support groups are awesome, and group therapies that focus on unlearning toxic traits. Youtube is actually a great resource. It sounds like you, he and his mother are doing all the right things though. Facetime him often! I did years of therapy over Zoom and it was just as helpful so I can imagine how nice it would be to have you to talk to in such a way. I think it's wonderful he's got family to support him. Try to focus on the positives so it doesn't affect your mental health too much.

I forgot to mention it's also perfectly natural to blame the mother. It's like the first step in any situation like this. He will work through that as he processes this. His identity has been tied to his parents and now he has to reckon with what that means about him.

It is going to take a long time for him to re-build some sort of a relationship with his father

Why should he rebuild a relationship with his father? He'd be perfectly reasonable to choose not to.

What I am worried about, is the way he feels angry and resentful towards his mother for having him with this man when she knew what he was like.

His anger (as long as he is not behaving dangerously) is a healthy thing. He has been hurt by his mother choices, she chose to risk having a child with an unpleasant man, and then he's built a relationship with the man without knowing some huge important factors. Whether or not his mother did the best she could, whether or not their were factors behind her choices, he can process and understand that over time, but its totally reasonable to be angry.

I would try to give him time and space to explore his feelings, without judgement.

I think he is reasonable to be angry that his mother kept this from him. Did it never come up in why his parents separated? Did nothing ever happen that she would have to explain that his father was not very nice to her?

I was assaulted similarly when my teen was young, except he witnessed it and it resulted in a sentence and no contact order. He doesn't want anything to do with his father.

It would be incredibly hard to find something like that out after having had a relationship with your parent for 16 years. If he never wants to see his father again then that would be perfectly understandable.

Finding out about or living through childhood trauma can always be a very sensitive matter. Ime going to the past rarely helps and can often make matters worse. When helping my clients solve these problems I focus more on what they want today and in the future. What kind of relationship he would like with his mother and father and taking steps to get there, while neutralising feelings about the things they can't change. This allows them to create the best possible results.

Maybe have a look for something like that. He'll really get a lot out of feeling in control of the situation.

Has he just found out?

It’s very normal for someone to go through a range of emotions when they discover something shocking. He needs time to process and for his feelings to calm down.

he has also developed this anger towards his mum for having him in the first place with a man she had doubts about from the word go.

Did she really tell her son that she had doubts from the word go? That’s far too much honesty and I can see why he would not take that news well. He’s not unreasonable to think that he should have been protected from his dad and may have jumped to the conclusion that she stuck it out because of having a child. That would make anyone feel guilty because she wouldn’t have been assaulted if she left earlier.

I would imagine that he’s feeling very torn. He knows his dad is horrible but biology will be making him hope that his father has some good in him and love will mean that he will consider his dad’s words however untrue.

I have a child that age so I know that it’s difficult for them to be vulnerable and honest about feelings. He’s very lucky to have an auntie who he is comfortable talking to. He needs reassuring that he will be supported whatever he chooses and if he changes his mind later then that’s ok too.

I think it might help if she tells him that yes, she made a mistake marrying someone she wasn’t sure about (she really shouldn’t have told him that bit) but nobody is perfect and that he’ll realise that adults often do stupid things while they’re trying to do the best for everyone. But that he wasn’t a mistake and that she wanted him and loved him from the second she found out she was pregnant, that she can’t bring herself to regret having him and that if it meant he was her son again, she’d go through all that abuse again, just to be his mum.

He’s angry and he feels lied to. He’s probably also upset that his father is worse than he suspected he was. He’s also likely to be worrying about whether he’s inherited any of that violence and whether he has it in him to hurt someone he loves.

I’d also stop assuming that he’s ever going to rebuild a relationship with his father.

I so appreciate all your responses, thank you. It has really helped me to post here and I'll be thinking about all your comments. Thank you so much.