Wanting another baby

[namechange038572]

I have two DC aged 6 and 3 I'm 36. My youngest starts school next year. I'm definitely done or so I thought I am finally passed the sleepless nights and want to increase my hours at work, earn more and get abit of my life back.
However at the same time I don't. I love being at home with DC being there for them whenever they need me. I fell pregnant earlier this year (happy accident). I was a complete mixture of emotions happy and if I'm honest quite worried about how we would handle 3 DC and the financial implications. Unfortunately I miscarried and have felt guilty ever since as if I wished this on myself.
Now I find myself constantly swinging between wanting another and not. DH says he thinks it's best not to have another although he was unexpectedly delighted when I fell pregnant last.

Has anyone else felt like this? Did you end up having another?

Haven’t had the experience of actually having a third but I’m in the same boat with the ambivalence.

Were you one of 3 OP? I was, and I think that’s led me to see 3 as the complete number. Yet I think reproducing this set up might also risk unconsciously replaying all the problematic dynamics which were a part of my sibling set, less so if I stick to two.

So many reasons not to - finances; space, organising 3 whole lives; birthday parties; more friendship/ school issues to deal with; another pregnancy; premature aging, two hands etc etc

But ultimately trying to think yourself out of a decision you want in your heart is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

I’ll probably brace myself and go for number 3, if nature allows.