Friend diagnosed with stage 4 cancer

[Rapunzelly]

Very outing however hand hold please. How can we be there for them:( they are only 28 spread all over :( shocked and distressed. Feel very overwhelmed knowing they are absolutely petrified of what’s to come :(

That's absolutely awful, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I think be there for them is the most important part, keep being friends and make the effort to see them and make plans with them and message them. It must be such an upsetting time for them and I'm sure they'll be glad of your friendship.

I'm so sorry.

Do they have family around them? My friend who was a little younger leaned on her family for support and preferred things to be normal with her friends. So we texted a lot about TV, light stuff. Take your lead from your friend, and be aware that what they need from you may change from day to day, week to week.

I'm so sorry

I have inoperable cancer and I find regular, easy contact the best
I don't mind friends showing they're upset, but I don't want it over the top so I'm having to support them.
Listen. Don't try to offer solutions- I keep getting told about turmeric (my oncologist can't cure me but a jar of spice can?)

Don't generalise "let me know if I can help"

Be specific - I will take you to hospital appointments on Mondays. I'm going to Tescos, what shopping do you need
Those kinds of things

Go on the Macmillan website. Educate yourself about her cancer, and call them for more advice on what you can do to help

And find a friend, who doesn't know her, so you have some support too

I lost two good friends in their thirties to cancer. I visited lots and did practical things, took children out/ tidied up/ bought things for child to keep entertained. Also with one who was make just stayed as if things were normal- lots of banter but also could be serious when needs be.
It is awful watching your friend go through this. X

I have stage 4 cancer myself. I remember how shell shocked I was when I was diagnosed. My friends & family were amazing actually. I agree about regular contact without the expectation of a reply- let them know you’re there. I got sent some lovely things & people offered to cook & look after my DD. Also don’t assume the worst- I know a stage 4 diagnosis doesn’t sound great but treatment has come a long way in the last decade or so. It’s important to keep some hope alive.

Also saying things like ‘I don’t know how you do it’ or ‘try & keep positive’ however well intentioned isn’t very helpful. The best advice I had is to take it one day at a time & put one foot in front of the other. Also there is some amazing cancer support out there in the form of cancer charities but only when she’s ready (I wasn’t for a while).

Never, ever use the P word. I can only give my experience as the spouse of someone who was diagnosed at stage 4.

Fortunately it happened rarely, but anyone who told me (or worse, him) to "be positive" was lucky that we both managed to keep our mouths shut.

For the record, we lived what life be had left, as positively as we could, as in we made the most of it and kept the atmosphere light for the sake of our daughters. But telling someone to be positive about the prognosis, because you, the friend, can't face the facts of terminal illness, is just awful.

Your friend will need to come to terms with what is happening to her. Friends and family trying to deny it is spectacularly unhelpful.

How awful for your friend. Do you know the prognosis? Some newer immunotherapy treatments have put some people with stage 4 into remission so it isn't always a death sentence nowadays. Examples are melanoma and non-small cell lung. Obviously I wouldn't recommend telling your friend this in case she has a cancer that doesn't qualify for these types of treatment. Do some research first and I'm sure the doctors will already have told her any treatment options anyway.

When my parents were stage 4 I benefited massively from joining Facebook groups. I'd imagine you'll find a group for her type of cancer and maybe her type and stage. It can help you understand treatments, what she should be asking her oncology team, other things that will help her, what to expect, and how you can support.

The most important advice I can give is be there and be available. I have not forgiven some of my parents so called friends, and some family, who disappeared because they couldn't handle it and then turned up at the funeral to pay their respects. They weren't the ones dying and needed to suck it up. The fact you've asked here makes me assume you won't be one of those people anyway. You sound like you'll be a wonderful support to your friend, whatever the journey.

Thank you soooooo much for all your helpful kind replies. No prognosis just yet, colostomy bag this week , chemo next week , spread from rectum, colon area in liver lymph nodes , maybe lungs as shadow on the mri… absolutely devastating it all came out the blue as was trying to see doctors over the space of two years with minor problems which were downplayed until the colonoscopy a week ago

I’m so sorry for your friend OP. It sounds like it’s bowel cancer which is what I have. There’s a great Facebook group for people living with stage 4 bowel cancer. Note the term ‘living!’ There are lots of us on there many with similar spread to your friend. A lot of us say that our cancer is not curable ‘yet.’ But even with spread to the lungs & liver there are amazing treatments now. Mine had spread to the liver & ovaries & after a year of treatment I was able to have surgery to remove it all. I have had a recurrence unfortunately & about to go back on treatment but I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago & there are people that have been on treatment since 2015 & earlier! Obviously none of us know the prognosis for your friend & in my experience oncologists avoid putting a number on it now as there are so many unknowns. But it might be helpful for your friend to know that so much can change after diagnosis so what you are told initially isn’t always the case (for example I was told I wouldn’t be eligible for surgery). Anyway always here to answer questions. I just want to give your friend a hug as I remember the feeling so well & mine was during Covid so I felt so alone. All the best to you both.

There are some really good social media accounts where young people document their lives with Stage 4 cancer, including colostomy etc. I'd get on Tiktok and Instagram and follow some of them. You will get some insight into what is involved, what these people are going through, what's useful and not useful to say and do. Your friend might find it hard to talk in detail about what she is going through so the more you can absorb and educate yourself without having to ask her the better.

Hi everyone… just wanna update and looking for advice. Sorry if this is not clear as couldn’t take it in on the phone. So surgery not an option as it would be too dangerous as this is on the lungs etc. after this chemo lot, now going onto next chemo lot and they said they will be on chemo for rest of life :( no hope of beating this awful disease how devastating at 28 years old. In complete shock. Odd chances of this happening but you often see where people raise money for private specialist treatment abroad where only a number of surgeons/doctors offer a certain treatment/surgery privately. Where would I look into this? Meaning where would you find a doctor who can treat advanced diseases if you were to have the funds

Also nimbles I did see your reply but at the time I completely forgot to reply! I’m so sorry you’re also battling this it’s completely life shattering and I hope you are better since and have good support x

I'm so sorry OP. Has your friend asked you to look into treatments? I wouldn't unless she's specifically asked, unfortunately at that stage there isn't much that can be done and she may just prefer to be at home rather than travel in the time she has left.

In the kindest possible way, you have to stop. If there's no cure, any treatment will just prolong the situation. Make your peace with this and support your friend, there's nothing more to do now.

That.

They're is no treatment. Let her come to terms with this, and don't add the extra stress of money raising and dashed hopes.

She will probably come to terms with this better than you will. You want to fix things that can't be fixed.

My late husband had colorectal cancer with liver and lung metastases, too. His chemo bought him 18 months of good quality life with us all, and he enjoyed every day of 'normality'. His last months would have been infinitely harder had I pestered him to get more opinions, constantly looked into treatment abroad etc.

Instead we had holidays and spent quality time together. He trusted his medical team and that trust in itself gave him peace with the situation.

Thank you I do understand I was just thinking of the possibilities

If it is something your friend wants, I think there is a whole community of people in a similar situation on Instagram. Probably reaching out to one of them and finding out where they found out about possible treatments etc would be a good option. Really hope they can have lots of time left.. utterly devastating 😞

With kindness, please remember that whilst drs have so much more in their arsenal these days compared to yesteryear, they are not able to perform miracles.

As far as treatments, immunotherapy is the big hope, I'm sure her team will be investigating options and ruled it out, but if you want to look for trials that's a good starting point (it's still quite experimental).

But as I said at the beginning, sometimes there is nothing more, please don't take this the wrong way, I hope there is, but do prepare yourself to be strong for your friend