Resentment ruining my life.

[ReadySalty]

I have, rather painfully, come to the realisation that resentment is ruining my life.

I have every reason to feel resentful towards individuals and to rage against life in general, but unless I let it go, it's going to eat me up.

Does anyone have any advice, books, resources that they can recommend. I have no idea how to free myself from this.

Can you not just be thankful for what you have? What do you resent?

Following, no advice but I am sort of similar in that there are things long past I just need to let go. The things I’m holding grudges against did less damage than my inability to let them go.

Oh OP this was me about 18 months ago. Just full of resentment towards my husband, colleagues and life in general.

It turned out to be a symptom of the menopause for me and after starting HRT, it disappeared and I'm back to the happy-go-lucky me.

Not sure how old you are though.

Who do you resent, can you explain it. Is it family, friends, colleagues.?

Same. And its so deep its in my soul. I think I'll take it to my grave.

But i wish things were different.

@LoopyLooooo that's interesting. I'm definitely of that age and worse than ever, although the resentment has been building. But peri may well be a factor.

@Give0fecks @ssd

It is really bad. I'm so bitter about the past that its poisoning my present and the future is looking bleak unless I do something to unburden myself. I'm so angry, even with myself.

Watch the video about the boy called ‘Hope’ from Nigeria who was accused of being a witch on YouTube. Watch the update too.

Is there anyone completely impartial that you can unburden this on (am thinking more a counsellor).

Focus on yourself. Dedicate the coming year to really paying attention to yourself. What you need physically, emotionally, professionally, financially etc.Take massive pride in your self reliance and resourcefulness if you are short of time and money.

Focus on making your home environment pleasing and reflective of who you are. Clean and tidy it and appreciate yourself for doing so. Even if you have little or no money, get a kick out of doing this in inventive ways, using free cycle and nature to give it personality. Care for your body, again if you are broke or knackered while others have free time to spend in expensive gyms, take pleasure in short, free online workouts. Enjoy making plans and taking steps to improve your lot in life. Take control of your own life and start really developing it, starting with things you can instantly improve and moving towards thigs that take more effort but you are capable of.

The more small areas of life you get under your control, the less resentful you feel of others who either control your life or have what you perceive to be an unfair share of good fortune.

if you focus on making yourself happier in every way you can think of that is under your control, you won't have time to pay attention to peole who wind you up.

I think it could well be. Maybe have a word with you GP?

This sounds sensible. I think that my resentment is giving me a free pass to give up trying.

I'm not resentful of other people's good fortune. It's more about not being able to forgive.

I'm aware of this little boy. Not sure how his story is in any way relevant to my problem, but I will have another look.

I bought an audiobook a few years ago called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubins. It's really good, a bit American but I did find it actually really helpful. I don't know whether it would help you, especially if there are dark things in your past that have led to you feeling this way. Maybe those might be better explored with a counsellor. But if it's more just general sense of unfocused annoyance and dissatisfaction I'd really recommend Gretchen. She's very engaging too.
maybe I might listen to it again.

He’s happy, he’s thriving and he has a future. He’s an inspiration.

Perhaps rather than pressuring yourself to forgive you could focus on the now and going forward - I think we can get stuck into ways of thinking quite easily. Perhaps instead of this you could find a gratitude practice and do it daily. I know it sounds corny, but there is evidence that 21 days of doing this kind of thing really helps to change outlooks.

Why do you feel as though you have to forgive? What for? I've never understood why it's important to forgive someone who has deeply hurt you. I say you should allow yourself to not tolerate or accept their behaviour.

this is an example of where i have found religion to be helpful, not only forgiveness (although i tend to forgive easily) but letting go and looking at the future, doing a little bit each day to improve my health (be it emotional spiritual financial etc etc etc). even if it was just 45 minutes once a week thinking the blessings in my life.
yes i agree peri was a very very rough stage with internal anger, it was like the rose tinted glasses were left behind somewhere and suddenly i spotted in it's full glory all sorts of "issues".
there is hope op.

What exactly are you not able to forgive. Talk yo a good friend about it all?

@TotalOverhaul 's advice worked for me.

Making my home completely as I wanted it. Decor, light, temperature, made a huge difference. And taking the time I needed, to be me - running twice a week, ignoring people who told me I couldn't do things.

It was like I'd been biting my tongue for years and suddenly I just wasn't prepared to do it anymore. The relief was immense,

Everything settled down and the anger went away.

They’re old but I really like the Dale Carnegie books and find a lot of the modern ‘self help’ books are just those restyled. ‘How to stop worrying and start living’ was helpful from a sort of ‘life perspective’ view, and ‘how to win friends and influence people’ has some good conflict-resolution/avoidance advice.

I also agree about considering HRT and the running advice - couch to 5k changed my life from a mental and physical health perspective. (Incidentally so did Marie Kondo’s ‘Life changing magic of tidying up’ but that might not be relevant here!). Perhaps also finding some fulfilling volunteering!

I do also think to consider who you vent to about things - some people just get me more riled up!

Sorry to hear it was a painful realisation, I hope you’re ok. It sounds great that you’ve identified something about yourself that isn’t serving you and that you want to change for yourself.

The trick is forgiving others and forgive yourself. You’re all human and you’re all imperfect, set the bar lower! On the whole assume people are just doing the best they can even if they get it wrong. And if people are clearly not trying their best, their behaviours are often simply an outcome of their own complex circumstances or individual backgrounds.

Forgive and be solution focused. For example if youre always cross with yourself about something and dwell on the negatives, instead accept that you’ve made a mistake (because you’re human) and make a realistic and supportive plan to move forward. The plan needs to be positive.

if these stratagies don’t work then look into counselling to pick apart behaviours and dynamics. Understanding where these come from can help you forgive. However don’t get strung up on understanding narcissistic behaviours in any depth, it’s not worth your mental energy. Why waste your brain power.

Thank you everybody, there is some sage advice in here.

My resentment is towards so many people and I have good reason to feel resentful, however it's not doing me any good.

I think the advice about trying to think of everyone as doing their best rather than deliberately trying to hurt me is helpful.

I'll have a look at the links and books.

There's a self-help book by the crime novelist Sophie Hannah called How to Hold A grudge (or something like that). It's about the value of forgiving but not forgetting - i.e. letting go of resentment so you are liberated from it, but never giving a free pass again to someone who has harmed you. It made sense to me. I felt a lot freer and more powerful when I put very strong barriers up against people who harmed me. I was still pleasant to them in real life so they had no idea but I no longer trusted them or went out of my way for them or sought their company. It's very empowering.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Hold-Grudge-Resentment-Contentment/dp/147369552X