How do I discipline my child in a he said/she said situation?

[BlowingAway]

I have an 8 year old and a fee times recently I've been told that he's said something nasty to another child.

Once the other kid got violent and in trouble and claimed it was in response to what my son said, but my son claimed he said something different and not as bad. No one else heard.

Another time a child and her mum came over and told me my son had said something really mean. My son denied it. The mum wasn't there herself so again it's one child's word against another.

To be clear, my son might very well have said these things. I've talked to him extensively about the impact his words can have, he's cried and said he wouldn't be so mean and he understands it's serious.

If I knew he'd said the things I would punish him but if course even if I think it's probably true I don't have any evidence. So what to do?

It isn’t really about punishing. If you’ve had the conversation about what an awful thing it would have been if he’d said those things, and how sad you’d be and how upset his friend is…
Have you asked him if he finds it hard to manage when he gets cross?
Ask him what kind of thing would have triggered him saying those things- is it when he’s angry, sad, is he trying to upset someone else so he feels better…

He needs better strategies to manage those situations. Count backwards, take a deep breath, go and find someone else to play with.

Punishment has its place, but what you want is to stop him doing it- and that means giving him alternative options.

You can't discipline on that basis. For the sake of future trust, you have to let your son know you believe him and you have to assume he is telling the truth.

However, I would do what you've done. Give a stern talking to on the if this is true basis. Be very vigilant for the next few weeks and if you ever find any proof come down like a ton of bricks.

Probably correct that we can't punish him.

I do think he might very well have said these things though and they were really mean. Comments on appearance etc. I myself had comments made to me at that age (called fat and ugly etc by other kids) and I still remember them 30 years later! So I'm quite horrified he might be saying this stuff.

I really respect the fact that you're taking ownership.

It's really important to know your child so you're not blind sided.

I think rather than punishment it's understanding why he does it.

Maybe try to give him a safe space to speak about it. Also maybe sharing your experience of when it happened to you and how it affected you.

Well done for not just putting your head in the sand and pretending your so would never do that.