People offering to help after mums death but no intention of helping

[IncessantNameChanger]

Why do people do this? Why not just say nothing of the sort?

My mum died earlier this year and mum lived in another county so lots of travelling to sort out the papers, funeral, wake house, etc.

Neighbour has a boy in dds class and the neighbour said to me "if you need anything like picking up dd to bring home if your late back from travelling,let me know and I can give her a lift". I thanked her profusely, thinking I'd not need to take her up on the offer. Until last week. I had to sign papers with estate agent and dh was on a course that day. We asked if the Neighbour could pick up. They ignored the request but replied when asked again the next day with a "sorry, no". OK fine and reasonably. They don't owe us anything.

BUT dh didn't go on the course in the end so he could pick dd up. When he set off, neighbours car was still outside their house. Dh gets to school a few minutes early, Neighbour turns up alone and takes their child back. Get home, car outside their house. So. They was free and had space in the car. Left from home. Returned straight to home. We have an adult dd at home so there was no childcare needed at all. Just the lift. Dd was at college until 2.30 so couldn't get the train home then walk the almost two miles to the school in time. But she would be in after the school runnto accept dd at the door.

It's not so much the fact that the Neighbour clearly could have done the lift, but that they offered that stupid meaningless line, if you need anything just ask. Why do people say this?? I never once have asked them for help. I sometimes take their child in in emergencies.

Why do people say this? It's just so annoying. I wish she has kept silent on the help front. It was a stressful day but this has made it worse. So rather than helping, it's hurting me.

I keep thinking if she was coming via somewhere before, or going somewhere after, but no, she was free to do it, had space in the car, literally would have not put her out at all except having to acknowledge my dd.

It's not her so much as the stupid offhand conversation filler. People might as well say "let me know if can pay your mortgage this month" it's just utter BS

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. I agree people seem to say things without thinking. I don't understand why people do this though! It would really have annoyed me too.

I'd probably think the same as you to be honest and be annoyed, however,

Maybe she was feeling under the weather
Maybe her own child has been difficult and she couldn't face the thought of another one on top.
Maybe she had other plans which fell through at the last minute.
You just don't know.

Remember that.

I had a school mum "friend" that I used to take for hospital appointments all the time. I went to London for private surgery on the train one day and asked her if she could pick me up from the station - 1 minute walk from her house and drop me off at home - 8 minutes drive to my house.

She said no before I'd even finished asking the question. It was bizzare. I drove myself in the end. She asked me how I got home from the station. Weird isn't it? As if she was enjoying my predicament.

I remembered it, and never took her for a hospital appointment again. It's so weird I don't understand it either OP because these people are always getting more from us in the first place so you'd think they'd do one small favour once to keep themselves getting all the other stuff. It's almost like they can't bear to make our lives easier in any way, shape or form.

If you're feeling brave, ask her why she offered to pick your dc up and then say no when you asked?

I think people tend to be helpful directly after a death, as they like to feel they are doing a good deed, coming to your rescue. They move on from that quite quickly, much quicker then end bereaved do.

I agree, it’s such a pointless thing to say. When my DH died 15 years ago and my DD was 10, loads of people said the ‘if you need anything just ask’ line. What I needed were practical offers like someone picking her up from school one day a week but this would have meant a regular commitment for a long period of time. Clearly I didn’t feel I could ask for this and no one ever thought to offer.

I’m sorry to hear of your loss OP. When these things happen it makes the thoughtless of others even worse.

Yes I agree with that, and that's been playing on my mind a lot since. I should be over it by now, moved on, like mum never existed surely after all its been months! Not estate, no childhood home to sell, lifetime of contents to clear.

Read the last chapter and close the book.

I do know that my neighbour might have had all sorts of reasons but she should never said such a empty thing.

You don't know what's going on in peoples lives though! I was once asked Tom pick up a child and even though I was just going home I had terrible mental health at the time.

Sorry to hear that @Hurryupfashion. I'm not sure what they think they are offering really.

I think I feel really stupid now or I was rude to ask. Anyway it's made me feel bad about myself and awkward towards her.

But presumably you didn't offer to pick up that child beforehand? The OP's "friend" actually offered, then said no!

I know this sounds bizzare, but it's almost as though they think they just have to offer - not actually carry through with the offer.

I presume you didn't recently offer to help with lifts any time that person needed it?

That's the thing. It's not that they wouldn't do the lift. It was the profuse offering of help in the first place.

I’m sorry about your mum, OP.
I think it’s such a common thing for people to say when someone is bereaved that some people have no idea what it means, and like to get the credit for being sympathetic without actually doing anything.
A bit like work policies around bereavement, you seem to get a short window of (empty) offers of practical support, and then you’re on your own.

Yes. I've had this before. It's like these people say this, and you say thanks that so kind, and then they say no anytime, I mean it, I want to help. Just to get a warm fuzziness. While you gush the thank yous.

But all it does is mean I'd not take up any offers of help as so much is just empty gesturing to be polite. So is it always empty getters? How do you know when or who really means it? I don't normally ask for favours, this reminds me why!

I should have said thanks I will let you know if I need it then mentally Binned the comment off. I don't get this socail dance.

You weren't rude to ask OP, and there is no right or wrong when it comes to how a person grieves, or how long they do it for. Only those who have been there know how low it can take you and what a difficulty it is to get on with life. If your neighbour doesn't know how that feels then that's ultimately a good thing really, for her, that she does not genuinely understand it. I know I didn't really until it happened to me and grief of someone very very close to me hit me like a ton of bricks.

I appreciate it is difficult to control your emotions when grief is fresh but I would try to forgive and forget this. She may well have had other reasons and you'll just have to take that at face value, it doesn't mean she doesn't care or doesn't like you or any other thing. People just focus on their own lives, find others grief difficult and it is the done thing to say things to be nice in those circumstances, whether they're followed up on or not it's just the society we live in, not a misdeed.

Very sorry for your loss.

I agree. It's a thoughtless throwaway line that people use. It makes them feel good because you thank them for the offer.

I had similar experiences when my mum passed away a couple of years ago. Lots of people said to me “ Oh I would have come to the funeral but….” When they had no intention of coming. Wish they’d just said nothing!

Oh god I get this all the time. I have a health situation which is a bit up and down, and MILs favourite thing to say is 'You know where we are if you need us.' and if I ever do ask a favour (which is rare) she umms and ahhs and lists a gazillion things she & FIL are doing that day so that it feels like a major inconvenience. She also tells everyone that 'We know where they are if we need them' so to the outside world they look super supportive.

I fucking hate asking for help

I hate asking for help too. This just makes me feel more guarded.

Next time I bump.into her and I get the how are you? It's back to the fine thanks how are you? Stuff.

Stick to the script I guess. I'm not fine, but that's not why people ask is it?

I agree you never really understand until your own parent dies

This. I experienced the same. So did numerous widow group friends. Maybe some people have to think they’re part of the “drama” of a death but lose interest after a few weeks/months?

It appears to me that she forgot she'd offered. How much time had passed between your DM passing and the request? I have in the past forgotten that some close relative of someone has died or that a family member has been v ill.
Usually if other stuff is going on at the time of finding out.

What she offered earlier this year, which is quite a while ago, and what she can do now might be different things. If I make an offer, it's not an open offer for months or years, usually just for a period of time. Maybe she meant to offer help during the most busy time after your mother passed? It sounds like she could have helped but who knows what might be happening behind the scenes that you don't know about?

Yeah I mean I had lots of offers of help or support and the reality was everyone just fucked off really and didn't bother even seeing if I was alright. They just think it sounds a good thing to say at the time 🤷🏻

I tend to know the, small, circle of friends who meant it when they say “any thing I can do”. My sister is terrible though, I love her dearly and genuinely have helped her through various crises, but when I’ve needed her she’s not been available/able to help. I just get on with it now and accept she’s not supportive in any meaningful way.

I had the same when DH died - snowed under with offers of help/support.

And then, when I, rarely, asked a few people, they were nowhere to be seen.

Others gave been great, but some people just make meaningless offers.🙄

I think they just like the drama on funeral day.🙁. You learn a lot about people in your life after a bereavement.

In my experience, there are two main reasons. One, people don't know what to say around death and so this is one of the lines they trot out. Two a lot of people are actually just acquaintances or at best fair weather friends and while this is disappointing at least it helps you work out who your real proper friends are. It's fine to have more superficial friends or friends who only support in specific ways but knowing the difference is a good thing in the long run, I find. (It can often be that someone one considered an acquantaince or casual friend, not very close, can really come through in times of need, too, and becomes a firm friend.)

It's on them, embarrassing for them, if they do this. Think of it that way. How pathetic of them.

Sorry for your loss