Keep getting hit by waves of sadness - losing my parents

[lpsyUpsyDaisyDoo]

I’ll preface by saying it is without a doubt mostly hormonal as I have a 17 day old baby…

I’m 38 and both my parents are dead. My Dad died of cancer when I was 29, and my Mum died last year when DC2 was 8 weeks old. I do have a sibling but we aren’t in each others lives at all, I haven’t seen them since my Dad’s funeral- they didn’t come to my wedding as they were NC with my Mum.

As I mentioned, I’ve just had my third baby. I always knew my Dad would never meet my children as DH and I had only been together a year and a half when he died, but I am still getting my head around having a child that my Mum is never going to know. And since DC3 arrived I keep randomly sort of forgetting that she’s dead- for example, I was putting DC1 and DC2 to bed earlier, and saw that DC1 had fallen asleep face down in a book 😂 I took a photo and made a mental note to send it to my mum and tell her the apple didn’t fall far from the tree! As I was a massive bookworm as a kid and was forever falling asleep with a book or smuggling a torch into my bed to read under the duvet after bed time.

And then I remembered, I can’t send her a photo because she’s dead. And now, there’s actually nobody living who would look at a photo of DC1 asleep face down in a book and say that’s exactly like me. Nobody who knows I was a massive bookworm as a child.

I don’t know why this is happening now or why the birth of DC3 has brought this on but I suddenly feel so much more alone, and that having lost my parents I’ve also lost a huge part of myself that only they and I would remember.

Does this happen to anyone else, or am I just hormonal and experiencing some sort of delayed grief?

I’m so sorry for your losses.
I think it’s a mixture of the two. Your hormones will make you feel more emotional and it’s natural to feel real, deep sadness that your parents won’t meet your children. Grief comes in waves, all sorts of things trigger it. I still get waves of it , though not as intensely or as frequently, many years after my DH died
I think if the grief is upsetting you significantly ( sleep problems, mood changes, dark thoughts) see your GP asap. Talking might help and you can always contact https://community.sueryder.org/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8f7LxbjTggMVapmDBx1YhQgTEAAYASAAEgJKv_D_BwE
or the Samaritans We're here if you need us. Call 116 123.

Congratulations on your new baby💐

OP - I know how this feels. My dad died in 2021 - that was a blow, but he had been unwell for a number of years. Then last year, my mum died. She had been in good health and it was unexpected, so that was a huge shock. Then two days after her funeral, I found out I was pregnant with my first baby.

Since my baby was born, I’ve really felt like I’m grieving all over again, for the fact that my children will never meet my mum and will never know how amazing, funny, eccentric etc. she was. I did the same as you this weekend - took a photo of my son and for a fraction of a second thought ‘I must send that to mum.’

I don’t think this level of grief will ever go away for me, I just think everything else in life will just grow around it. I have no advice, but just wanted to share and let you know that this has happened to others too and you’re not alone.

My dad died in 2018. This Remembrance Day I sorted some photos of him from the war and properly sobbed - painful, wrenching sobs from the bottom of my belly/being.
It happens. Normal, but distressing.

Oh OP 💔 I get it.

You're right that it's connected with your new little baby (many congratulations!) both in terms of hormones, but also awakening those family bonds & connections, which you no longer have.

You'll continue to build these with your own family of DH & DC, but these moments of grief are very natural.

My dad's death a few years ago has profoundly changed our family - clearly our bonds were not as strong as we might have thought. (I have 3 siblings). My mother has become hugely difficult & quite cruel in her behaviour; my siblings have little to no interest in me (I'm a single parent & went through a very difficult divorce this year, completely unsupported). I get a stab of pain when I think about it - they're my siblings & I love them & I feel so sad they're not in my life.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I think it's a natural part of the hormones after having a baby, but also mixed with very real grief.

Please be kind to yourself and talk to your husband if you feel you can. I feel like real life support may be helpful here. Thinking of you.

"And now, there’s actually nobody living who would look at a photo of DC1 asleep face down in a book and say that’s exactly like me. Nobody who knows I was a massive bookworm as a child.

I don’t know why this is happening now or why the birth of DC3 has brought this on but I suddenly feel so much more alone, and that having lost my parents I’ve also lost a huge part of myself that only they and I would remember."

I understand this so much.

I have young children and am so lucky to currently still have both parents....but they are elderly (I am early 40s, dad is early 80s, mum late 70s) and they both have health problems.

I have no other family. (One sibling, have been no contact for 15 years).

Once they are gone, not only will i be the only person to remember all the family memories....but I will have nobody to send all the photos I take of my kids.

I have friends, but they don't really care. They just care about their own kids, which is fair enough.

So yes, I completely get where you are coming from, but also yes, it is hormonal. Having children hit me like a tonne of bricks and I suddenly thought about my parents and my childhood in a way that just hadn't entered my head before.

Congrats on your new baby xxxx

I get it OP 💔
I'm 32 and I lost my dad to cancer which was quite sudden this year. I forget that he's dead sometimes and have tried to call his phone. It's the remembering that they're dead all over again that hurts the most.

My DC is 2 and it really upsets me that any future DC won't know my dad, it's got me thinking about stopping at one.

You're not alone in your thinking. Grief changes a person.

Congratulations on your new baby!

Hormones and grief are a dreadful combination. I lost both my parents last year, was very close to and cared for them in their later years. It was just before my 50th and the start of the menopause. My DM adored my DS, and so many days he does / says / achieves something she would have loved. No one else cares on the same level she did. I feel for you it’s really rough.

Grief is just horrible.

What people are saying is right...you grow around the grief. But it's part of you. The price we pay for love.

Can you pray or talk to your parents? Start an email account where you message them?

Sometimes I pretend my lost loved ones are in a different country.