Awful relationship with my mother, can anyone relate?

[Troubleddaughter]

Would really appreciate some advice here.

My parents have come down to stay with me this weekend, for two nights for a special event. I’m going through a bit of personal turmoil atm. Have quit my (very good, very stressful) job and also been very physically unwell recently. I’m 30 so not a child but still need my parents every now and then!

From the day they arrived, they didn’t ask once how I actually was. Didn’t really engage at all or enquire about me.

my mum is incredibly defensive and not very self aware. I also think she struggles to relate to people.

today everything came to a head. I told my dad how I felt and he was great, offered support, said they loved me, all the right things. He knows what’s going on.

my mum on the other hand suddenly said to me, oh are you aware I’m planning to stay an extra night? I need to be in your city for longer. No asking, nothing, just telling me what she is doing. It all came spilling out, and I said that it was going to be very difficult to accommodate that as dh was back tonight and there was nowhere else to sleep. She did her standard trick of getting passive aggressive (it’s fine, I’ll ring hotels, I can tell you don’t want me) and then I really told her how I felt - said I hadn’t felt any support from the last few days, I was really struggling, that to be honest I didn’t feel like she was being much of a mother to me. I was sobbing.

she has now just left my flat and gone. They both have. They said lukewarm goodbyes but no physical hugs or proper responses. Just shouted through my bedroom door.

im so angry and upset. Am I asking for too much? Can anyone relate? I can’t see how there is any basis for a relationship there, especially with my mum. We used to go on holidays together, but when I really need her, she’s not there.

Hopeful bump

That's awful op
To leave you when you most need them is very hurtful

Your mum is either feeling embarrassed (& rightly so) or she just doesn't want to acknowledge her poor behaviour so is leaving the scene of the situation

Glad your Dad was understood and helpful earlier and hopefully he will be back

Is there anyone you can talk to - friend or family? It sounds like you are going through a lot

Aww sorry you're struggling and very sorry your mum has been so cold with you!
I have had a run in with my mum this week, the issues are a little different but I can't definitely relate to having such a complex relationship with my mother and regularly wondering what to do next.

My mum also really lacks self awareness so everything productive always come from me, and I feel that most things that are damaging comes from her!

I'm torn between thinking you only get one mother so to hold on tight, to other times thinking it's not worth it because it's hurting me so much!

I would recommended that you let this one blow over, lay low, and try to source some therapy for yourself to talk through the issues. Try get to the bottom of what I imagine are very complicated and mixed up feelings towards your mother. Once you're more clear on your side of it, you can start to work on things from there.

I've done that and definitely had some lightbulb moments and this weeks run in has been much better and more productive as a result!!

*can relate

How was your grandmother with your mum/her daughter? Learned behaviour is very difficult to change without a lot of self awareness.

I can relate when I separated from my 1st husband and my Dad phoned and I was upset and he got off the phone ASAP and I didn't hear from either of them again.

Years later I was invited to a family wedding and I couldn't go as I had surgery, never asked what was wrong or how it went.

Incredibly LC unsurprisingly.

I think when you're sick little things can seem much worse than they are.

The fact that you expected your parents to mother you and look after you as a 30 year old indicates to me that they probably are quite loving and generous towards you. I have a fairly ok relationship with my DM but I wouldn't expect that. I probably haven't got that sort of emotional support for being ill since primary school tbh. (Im assuming by I'll you mean cold or flu, not cancer or anything like that, which would change it for me!).

I also don't think she did anything wrong by assuming it'd be ok to stay for an extra night. In family relationships I think that sort of casualness and low-level entitlement is normal. It's the difference between family and friends. The flip side, of course, is that you shouldn't be expected to host her like a guest, she can make her own cups of tea etc.

I'm sure your reaction to her is a build up of resentment from years of interactions so I'm not saying that you are wrong to feel how you do, only that it will no doubt be hard for her to understand as she'll be looking at your fight as an overreaction to a couple of minor (in her view) transgressions.

Hope you feel better soon regardless.

@muggart sorry think you may have misread my post. I wasn’t expecting emotional support for being sick. I was hospitalised a few weeks ago and it was a scary time, still dealing with the after effects of that. I have also quit my job. I was looking to them for a bit of compassion and empathy eg how are you, do you need anything. I wasn’t expecting mothering and looking after, just a bit of understanding.

I am at a bit of crossroads in life and would have appreciated some friendly guidance from two people who know me. As it stands, I don’t think they really know me at all

I don’t know a single adult woman whose mother is alive, who has a straightforward, uncomplicated relationship with her. And the two friends I have who are least critical of their mothers, and most tolerant of their foibles, are the ones whose childhoods were at best neglected, and at worst downright abusive, at the hands of those mothers. It seems to be almost universally extremely difficult for us, at least in our culture and at this point in history. I had a massive argument with mine this morning, and am incredibly hurt and angry at her behaviour. Again.

I have very difficult parents, my mother is the more difficult of the two. So I get where you are coming from OP. 💐💐

I agree with muggart.

I think your possibly over reacted here. Your dad was supportive but your mom didn't seem to get it . Some people struggle with empathy and she may have assumed that as now you had quit your job that your stress levels would relax a bit.
In my family it would be totally normal for my mother to announce she was coming to stay without asking and likewise if I was going to her house but maybe your family dynamic was more formal.
Im not sure you gained much by having a go. People have empathy or they don't and now you've annoyed your dad who is supportive and you don't feel any better either .

@Crazycrazylady notmally that would be fine but as I explained in my post, there wasn’t any room for her. I live in a 1 bed flat and my dp was due back that night.

My mum can be like that. She can't cope with seeing me upset or stressed, so she either ignores it or is really breezy and dismissive. In truth it makes her really anxious herself. So she does care, but her response is always the opposite to what you need. You want reassurance and nurturing. Unfortunately my son is also very sensitive and I find myself panicking inside whenever he's tearful as part of me just wants him to be more resilient even thought it's who he is.i try to be as reassuring as possible, but inside I feel massively stressed.

You poor poor thing. The way she has treated you is so hurtful. I think there is more to unpick,come over to "we took you to stately homes" under relationships. You'll find sympathy and support over there from the many like me who have difficult mothers x