Golden child DB, finally dawned on me that I’m scapegoat

[nameychanger5678]

My DH pointed out to me several years ago that my youngest DB is the apple of my DM’s eye. I’ve always known he was the golden child. But I’ve realised in the last few days that I’m a scapegoat - along with my middle sibling - and my DM has narcissistic tendencies.

I don’t know what the point of this post is. I love my family but it’s like everything now makes sense. My DB can be downright outwardly nasty at times but he’s a good person deep down and I think a product of our upbringing. He can do no wrong in my DMs eyes. Nothing I do has ever been celebrated. My DM hates his wife for this reason. I feel sad I’ve missed my life of having a mum I’m really close to and best friends with. We get on - it’s not awful. It just rears its head at times. But maybe my deep rooted fears - that she’s never truly loved me - are correct.

I'm sorry @nameychanger5678, it's an awful realisation isn't it? DH said to me that it was so obvious that no matter what I did for my mum, it was never enough or good enough.

The saddest thing is that if you're anything like me you'll keep trying to make your mum proud of you and your achievements, even though you know that your brother has to do absolutely nothing in order for her to be singing from the rooftops about how wonderful he is 😞. And yet you'll keep trying, in the hope that one day she'll suddenly notice just how fabulous you are and will acknowledge how much she appreciates you.

I'm aware of how shocking this will sound to people who had a "normal" relationship with their parents, but honestly you have to find a way to protect yourself, because I doubt very much that your mum will ever change. I made peace with it in my head, and actually realised that when I stopped looking for her approval, my life was a lot easier. I lowered my expectations to almost zero. It's that old cliché of not being able to change how someone acts, but you can change how you react.

I'm very lucky (and I hope you are too) to have the most fantastic DH who just adores me and supports me in everything I do. My mum died last April - with of course me doing 99% of the work looking after her and Golden Boy turning up once in a blue moon! - but honestly I think that being able to detach a bit saved my sanity.

All the best 🤗

@CarrieMoonbeams thank you so much for replying. Sorry to hear you have been through similar. I have a lovely family of my own and am determined to make sure my DCs don’t experience the same. Trying to break the cycle.

Absolutely @nameychanger5678 , could you imagine ever treating your own children like that?

I really hope you're able to find a way to build up a wee forcefield for yourself too. 🤗

Being the scapegoat is never easy but not always being the favourite either. A 'friend's favourite was always expected to be perfect and was shown great disappointment and sorrow, when she let her mother down. The 'scapegoat' got away with murder, apart from the expression huh! 'she's just like her father'. Another favourite - their mum cried whenever this child disappointed them - the others 'meh'.

However scapegoat being abused (emotionally, physically or any other way) is clearly much, much worse