Colleague acting odd

[Theirewas5]

I work in banking - the City with primarily men. It was a relatively impersonal place, but since I was in the office more now, I got more friendly with a few of them. The workplace is toxic, so it’s good to unload occasionally. One colleague is somewhat standoffish, but since working together on a few projects, he has been very personal and shared many stories. Think he’s childhood, he’s dying father, about his kids. He will come to my desk and talk about it. But then sometimes he won’t even say hi.
I find the behaviour a bit off. We are working on a project together, and once again, one gets full-on oversharing, but the next day, not even a hi!
I don’t want to be rude, and we have to work together, but what’s going on here?! I am ok to listen - looks like he needs someone to listen to him but why being so off and cold the next day

Who knows, could be any reason. The more important question is, why are you allowing this?

Unsure what am I allowing. He’s more senior than me and I can’t just stop talking to him. If we were on the same level, then yes.

He overshares then feels embarrassed. He is stepping over professional boundaries using you as an emotional crutch then realizes it is massively inappropriate, maybe feels guilty as he has a wife?

Who knows.

Main thing for you to understand and act on is - don't make yourself available to listen to this man. It will bring you trouble.

Do you fancy him? If not who cares why he does it. Some people just over share.

No, I don’t fancy him, and yes, he has a wife. I am also married, and he knows that. He’s very senior at work, though. I am ok to listen in a way but find hot/cold behaviour odd! Like, fine, talk about your grief but don’t just act odd the next day.

Well perhaps he’s just busy or thinking of other things some days? I think you’re over analysing it all .

True. Could be. It’s not that sort of the place where you speak to anyone or let alone talk about anything personal hence got me thinking

What I have learned is that people who go hot and cold usually feel hot and cold about themselves. It sounds like he is going through a lot, and it sounds like he needs someone to speak to.

Sounds to me like he is under an awful lot of stress, and sometimes needs to let rip.

I had a colleague like that. He was just very self absorbed, it was all about him. I'm guessing that he hasn't asked you to share similar personal experiences?

He's not a friend, and as he's senior it's not like you're going to call him out. Just roll with it, it doesn't sound like it's affecting your work.

He is supportive and will listen to me too. However, I wouldn’t ever share my childhood or personal issues with him like that.
As others have said he’s under a lot of pressure and I am ok to listen. It doesn’t infer with my work too much.

I've had to extricate myself from a very similar situation before - the behaviour sounds so familiar, the oversharing then ignoring you. You never quite know where you are with them and it's quite unsettling after a while.

In the beginning it seems innocuous but as time goes on it becomes less so.... the power imbalance makes it very difficult for you to deal with for fear of negative consequences.

If it continues once you're not working together then I'd say it's very possibly going to become a bigger issue than you realise.

Because of the level of seniority of the man I worked with I had no choice but to leave unfortunately, no good was ever going to come either of letting things continue or trying to address it by setting boundaries. It worked out well for me tho, my new job is much better all round!

Thank you for sharing. Glad your new role is going well.