Dc acting different towards me after my hospital stay

[CloudySlime]

I was recently in hospital for a week with pneumonia. It's been the worst time of my life.
It was so hard being away from my dc ( 3 under 10 ) but I made sure I called/ FaceTimed them every day. I could barely talk to them through coughing but I listened to them and tried to look happy on the video calls.
They seemed happy and their normal selfs.

When I first came home none of them came to hug me or anything. The youngest eventually came over for some breast milk but that had dried up whilst I was away. It just stopped and never returned. This didn't go down well and she went to dp for a cuddle instead. She is 3 so I was planning on stopping anyway.

Older dc we're watching a movie and didn't speak to me at all for the first few hours I was home.

It's now been 2 weeks since I've been home and things are still not the same. It breaks my heart that I have reduced energy and cannot do a lot with them on my own. I cannot read them a bedtime story as I will just cough throughout. It's not enjoyable for anyone.

Dp reads to them now and I sit with them until my coughing inevitably begins. Then I have to leave else my coughing scares them.

I hear them laughing and enjoying stories with dp whilst I lay in bed silently crying. Praying I feel better soon.

They still don't want to sit with me and have a cuddle. The older two prefer dp to prepare their meals and snacks.

I can completely understand that it's been a big shock to us all and I know the dc must have been confused whilst I was gone. It's just really upsetting for me that i still feel so rubbish and my dc feel they can't or don't want to be close to me anymore.

Im only writing this to get it off my chest. Hopefully things will improve soon. Sorry for such a downbeat post if you have managed to read it.

Sorry you’ve been through this. They will get over it, but in the meantime could your DP talk to them, or you talk to them about how they’re feeling?

Gosh, that's so tough when you're so unwell.

I think just give them time. As you say, they are probably very shocked having to suddenly be without mummy for a while.

Do you think DP may have been frustrated and said anything absent-mindedly whilst you were in hospital? Did you manage the lion's share of the tasks before you were unwell?

I can't believe I haven't done this yet! You are absolutely right. I will talk with dp and I think he will have the discussion with me there. I'm still coughing a lot so I can't have a proper discussion myself. We will do this today.

Are you still on heavy duty antibiotics? Your body scent changes which might affect really little kids? Also it is possible that they have been told not to bother mummy as she is ill so they are doing good by staying away.

@DeedlessIndeed to be fair we both are hands on with the chores. Obviously would have been harder for dp to have a week where everything falls on him.

From what I gather he spoilt the dc somewhat whilst I was away. They were allowed many food treats and the odd little toy ( £1 capsule ones) and magazines. We agreed anything to make them happy and our life's easier for that time.

No antibiotics. Dp did say to them to be gentle with mummy but encouraged a hug when I returned, which they refused.

They were probably frightened and don't know how to process what happened. Talk to them along the lines of, 'it must have been hard on you when I was in hospital, right?' And see what they say.

They were probably scared that you were so unwell and went to hospital, and now you're back they may be worried you may vanish again because they can hear you've still got a cough. Have a chat with them and ask them about how they've been feeling.

I think they're probably just scared that maybe you'll go away again. I think everyone sit on the sofa in a big family hug and have a talk. Say that mummy missed them all so much whilst you were away and you're so glad to be home. Daddy said you all did amazing whilst I was away and I'm so proud of you. How are you all feeling?

I really relate to this post as over a decade ago I was in the same position 3 children 7 and under. I was in hospital for a week with pneumonia, no visits as children not allowed on the ward, no face time or anything. The children were affected by my absence and wary on my return. My youngest had her 3rd birthday just after I came home. She became incredibly clingy with me but not straight away.

Give yourself time you are in recovery, your children need time to recover from your absence and adjust to your return. Maybe they are worried you may disappear again so are keeping a distance. You can reassure them with time and consistency. Rope your dh in to create some cosy family time, all in bed together watching a film or getting pizza and having a living room picnic and playing games. Just trust in the fact they love and need you and while you being ill was scary they will get over it.

You are probably traumatized by the experience as well. I know I was and it took a while to feel normal again. I hope you feel fully better soon op.

Their mum was in hospital because she wasn't well, she still isn't well and they are probably wary of making you more ill and you going away again.

Things will go back to normal but you are still ill so it can't just yet.

@FlemCandango I'm sorry to hear you've been through similar. It's so difficult isn't it.

I'm definitely feeling traumatized from the whole experience. I was so unwell and looking back I don't know how I got through the days before I was admitted to hospital.

When I had to have minor surgery and was recovering in bed at home my DH said something along the lines of "leaving mummy to rest and not bothering her" when I came back. My children took this to mean they had to completely stay away from me.

I was unaware of this, upstairs feeling alone and unloved, they were downstairs feeling alone and unloved. When I called to them to see me they still felt they had to leave me alone and that I was just being kind but still needed to be left alone. A week later one of them broke down in tears to me and it all came out.

My DH thought he was doing the right thing but he really messed up. It took a lot of intensive effort to remedy the trauma, but with a lot of talking and reassurance we got through it. I'm wondering if something similar might have happened in your situation.

This sounds so difficult for you. Children take their lead from us and perhaps they are unsure how to approach you as unsure if you are well enough. Perhaps your husband has told them to give you some breathing space to recover? It sounds like you could spend some quality time with each of them to reconnect? Stopping breastfeeding suddenly can be hard for your 3 year old. Even if it's just reading a story. Tbh you and your partner need to communicate and you need to explain how you're feeling so he can support more. Either he isn't aware or isn't thinking of your needs well. Hope you are feeling better soon.