Does anyone know how you learn to accept or even love yourself? After a lot of soul searching over recent months I think I've come to understand that I have spent a lot of my life trying to be someone else and that deep down I've always felt that there is something wrong with me that other people can sense and reject me for. I'm wondering now if my rejection of myself and therefore feeling unworthy and perhaps at times acting in an unauthentic way was the real reason I get rejected. Looking back at the men I've dated and wanted to date I'm not sure how much I really liked any of them, I know I didn't love them, its more that I wanted to be the kind of person they would want go out with and sometimes I could play that role for initially but would always run out of steam.
I am married now and it was really just a fluke that I did meet someone I was able to be authentic with and I'm lucky it has worked out although in the past I've been guilty of feeling like a bit like I didn't want a man who actually wanted me because I'm so rubbish.
Much of it comes down to my looks, I've always struggled with my weight and felt ugly due to my big nose, bad skin, bad hair and I've tended to fall into the trap of feeling like if I can't be beautiful then I should just give up rather than trying to make the best of myself.
The same with my career, I started off with talent, went to university, got a first but went into a specific field because I liked the idea of seeing myself as the sort of person who did that kind of very cool career, and I did do well for a while but eventually burned out because I was faking and after a while I just can't do it anymore. I would have been so much better suited to working alone as opposed to a big collaborative work place. However once I crashed out of that field I lost any confidence I once had in my own abilities. I did really well at university so surely that means I must have some ability I could build back up and use in the future, surely?
I now spend a lot of time ruminating on the past and all my mistakes, what I could have done differently when I know I just need to put it behind me and start fresh.
I want to let go of the past, learn to accept who I am, to learn who I am when I'm not trying to be or wishing I was someone else with a different life. I want to make the best of my self, of my appearance, my talents, my life, what is left of it. I am just not sure how? How do you even accept yourself never mind learn to like yourself? Can I accept myself when I do what to change myself still?