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Original poster

Supporting friend access to children.

22 replies

Helluvawomen · 17/11/2023 17:42

My friend has been in and out of addiction most of his life, he is now 12 months clean and sober and is hoping to work towards seeing his children.

zHe has no money to pay for Soliciters or mediation.

social Services never been involved and no legal restraints. His ex just won’t entertain any contact?

any help on first steps?

OP posts:
NameChange1019 · 17/11/2023 17:47

How old are his children and do they want to see him? Family court is only concerned with the bes interest of the children.

He could write to Mum and ask for supervised contact as a start, assuming it’s been a minimum
one year since he saw them…

if he wants to go to court he will need to try mediation so can apply for this. Think you can get first session free. I’d mum refuses he can go straight to court, form c100 think it’s about £250 but might be able to get help if on benefits.

i think your friend needs to be realistic about what he can expect based on how long he’s been absent for and how they’ll children will
have been impacted by his drinking. Likely Mum just wants to keep them
safe

GirrlCrush · 17/11/2023 20:03

Well 'mum' can keep them safe. And they can see their Dad

He can self represent
He can start with letterbox contact and move on to supervised

Hope they get to see him

BiscuitsandPuffin · 17/11/2023 20:08

Stay out of it. A lot of addicts minimise what they did to the humans who loved them and who they shat on. It's bloody difficult to get a court to grant totally zero access to a mother fleeing a father. If it's been done, it's for a good reason.

12 months isn't long enough.

If he is committed to being a better person and a good father one day, he needs to show it for longer than that.

My dad was clean for 4 years when I met him. He had relapsed within under a year and was dead 8 years later.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/11/2023 20:12

He needs to be paying cms if he isn’t already. Contact and payment are separate things but good dads who have their DCs best interests at heart will be paying.

Then he needs to put forward a suitable proposal. This would start with regular letters to the dc, followed by phone calls then supervised contact. The proposal needs to be really detailed with times, dates etc. it needs to acknowledge that it is in the best interests of the DC to have consistent stable adults in their lives and that his ex would be completely within her rights to reset the proposal if he does not honour it.

And he needs to write it himself. If he can’t manage that then I would be extremely sceptical of his intentions and refuse to be involved.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2023 20:26

The damage this sort of thing causes is very serious.

I would let him manage this himself.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/11/2023 20:32

Has he actually asked you for help?

Catsmere · 17/11/2023 21:34

BiscuitsandPuffin · 17/11/2023 20:08

Stay out of it. A lot of addicts minimise what they did to the humans who loved them and who they shat on. It's bloody difficult to get a court to grant totally zero access to a mother fleeing a father. If it's been done, it's for a good reason.

12 months isn't long enough.

If he is committed to being a better person and a good father one day, he needs to show it for longer than that.

My dad was clean for 4 years when I met him. He had relapsed within under a year and was dead 8 years later.

Agree. I wouldn't be encouraging this at all.

Original poster
Helluvawomen · 17/11/2023 21:40

Yes he has asked me for help

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 17/11/2023 21:43

any help on first steps?

I would tell him he needs to be clean for a damn sight longer than 12 months.

pay maintenance.

letter contact.

and accept that he’s ballsed this up big time and if he never has contact again then that’s mum keeping them safe from an addict.

Catsmere · 17/11/2023 22:17

I think his ex is right.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 17/11/2023 22:19

Is he thinking of what's best for the dc, or does he just think he should be lauded now he's been clean and sober for a bit?

RedHelenB · 17/11/2023 23:54

Seriously, I can't see what help you can give him? If he wants to see his children, he needs to approach Mum to ask how best they can do this.

YourSpleenIsDamp · 17/11/2023 23:56

How long have you known him?

TomatoSandwiches · 18/11/2023 00:03

Sounds like he wants a woman to do the leg work for him.
If he was genuinely interested he would do the hardwork himself.
Leave him to it.

StephanieSuperpowers · 18/11/2023 00:10

You have no role in this and the fact that he's asking you to do the work should be prompting some serious questions for you.

Don't be such a gullible chump. You should probably break up with him until he's ready to manage life without you looking after him.

KissyMissy · 18/11/2023 00:47

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 17/11/2023 21:43

any help on first steps?

I would tell him he needs to be clean for a damn sight longer than 12 months.

pay maintenance.

letter contact.

and accept that he’s ballsed this up big time and if he never has contact again then that’s mum keeping them safe from an addict.

👏

SullysBabyMama · 18/11/2023 01:39

Absolutely this!
Also whatever you imagine he did to his children, it will have been far, far worse.
They will likely have been traumatised and the best chance they have of forgetting as much as possible is not to be reminded by him!
Also 12 months is nothing, If he is dating you at 12 months clean you should know For a start you are not supposed to date for 12 months minimum and I doubt you have posted this the first month you have met him.

SD1978 · 18/11/2023 02:11

As others have said- 12 months isn't that long. Is he contributing at all towards the children? Has he apologised for the years of shit he's put their mother through with no support and knowing their father could be found dead at any point? Has he acknowledged any of that? That would be my first stage- a proper apology- a letter, it not too long to the mother, stating that he is sorry. And asking her what she needs to be able to see a way forward. Failing that, then he could ask for mediation- but I'd give her a chance. He's been no use for years- he can't suddenly decide I've changed so everyone else has to immediately.

Catsmere · 18/11/2023 02:13

I wouldn't be helping him at all, OP. He's a very recent drug addict and all you'd be doing is undermining their mother's very sensible stance of keeping him away from them. Tbh you'll be better off away from him yourself.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 18/11/2023 02:20

Your friends ex is protecting them for a reason
I'm guessing you don't know the true situation so I would stay out of it.

Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 18/11/2023 02:28

The first step is your friend working. Getting a job, finding a place to live and supporting his children. Not just the minimum amount, a reasonable payment to the mother of his kids. Once he is consistently making the payments for at least six months he can contact the mother and ask if he can start writing letters to his kids. If he is serious about being in his kids lives he needs to take this slowly. He needs to be prepared to be an adult first.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 18/11/2023 13:21

StephanieSuperpowers · 18/11/2023 00:10

You have no role in this and the fact that he's asking you to do the work should be prompting some serious questions for you.

Don't be such a gullible chump. You should probably break up with him until he's ready to manage life without you looking after him.

Ah should have guessed. Are you a new partner of him op?

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