How to motivate/deal with DS12

[Notimetocook]

My son is in Yr8 and says he ‘hates school’. I’m worried about him and feel he’s potentially one of those boys age 14 who either doesn’t go at all or constantly gets into trouble.

Background is he had a difficult Yr7 - lots of low level discipline issues eg talking too much in class, lateness, not being engaged. All felt v negative. He goes to an academically focused state secondary in a fairly posh area. In June he was diagnosed with ADHD which improved things at school as the teachers seemed more patient with him but he’s now started getting detentions again. Says he has no interest in school at all, which is a cover up I think but it’s so difficult to deal with. No interests except screen time /fifa/football. He’s quite capable academically but lacks confidence and also puts in minimal effort so he gets poor marks. I feel the teachers are getting really fed up with him, and I can see why tbh.

How do I get him to be more motivated? Are all boys age 12 like this? I only have the one child and am finding him impossible to engage with 😕

So, your child has ADHD, which means you need specific advice I think.

It is great you care.

I'd minimise or if you can scrap screens and really review the home environment. Also work hard at talking to him about how he feels. There are books to help with how to start conversations.

I'd approach school and ask for their help. He should get school support for the ADHD impacts. Start a conversation now, better to be proactive.

Finally look at basics like food, exercise, sleep - you can't do any harm by ensuring these are as good as they can be.

Also the thing you're trying to do is not 'fix it' next week, but to bend the line he's on, so don't get overwhelmed by a bad day or week, every time you try to help him you're making a little drop of difference.

Thank you so much Midnightoncemore. Yes, the ADHD creates another layer I agree. Makes the screen thing harder to manage (for him). He is totally glued all the time, or would be if he could. Walks down the stairs looking at his phone, hides upstairs with it, hides it at night to avoid switching it off, doesn’t hear me say things so I endlessly have to remind /repeat. We argue about this type of stuff because I’m fed up with it.

I think I’m worried about the lack of interest in anything non screen related (and resulting low self esteem due to not succeeding or feeling good about anything). He seems to have decided school is not an environment for him. I find it all really difficult and show my frustrations which obvs makes it all worse.

Smart but scattered teens is a great book offering practical strategies.

I'd also see if he can speak to careers advisor in school to have a think about future career to try and motivate him.

The diagnosis could be frightening for him. A lot to process. He may feel overwhelmed.

Would there be a downside to moving to an extremely strict screens approach?

If he can't self-regulate, which many teens can't and ADHD will make so much harder, would you be better just putting the line down?

I don't have experience of parenting a child with ADHD. I think the SEN board might help.

One thing to remember when it's hard is how much worse it'd be for him if you cared less than you do