Awkward conversation. Do I? Should I?

[DeedIDo]

Long standing friend, one of the kindest and most generous people I know, has struggled over the last few years with marriage breakdown, empty nest etc and recently this has shown all too clearly in her personal hygiene. It's really not good. Think an urgent and unmet need to see a dentist, uncut and unwashed hair, and now a distinct smell of urine.

There are also issues with heaving smoking and drinking and not eating properly.

I know there have been issues at work, but she is still working and in a responsible job where she goes out and represents her employer.

I've left it to her DC to speak to her about it, but things have got so much worse recently that I don't think they have. Now someone else has mentioned it to me and it's clear that it's causing issues in the wider social circle.

I don't know how to approach it. We all love her, but she clearly has something going on. Should I speak to her? Should I speak to her DC? Should I just be terribly British and pretend it isn't happening?

Any suggestions? Thanks

Depends if she’s really your friend or not

Have a confidential conversation with the DC first to see what has been done/said.

Surely you can't call yourself her friend if you can't be honest with her? Depression can cause lack of self care..

It’s tricky because you want to help your friend, but the reality is she is going to know already that she is neglecting those things. It would be pointing out the obvious. I think I would just try and be a friend to her (if that’s what you want), listen to her, support her. But I wouldn’t point out the obvious, it won’t achieve anything apart from embarrass her and give her another problem to add to her list.

There are reasons for this stuff, she isn’t taking care of herself and I think you have to accept that she might not be in a place where she can. I think you have to carefully walk the line of recognising the issue with her but without shaming her, you can offer suggestions but I imagine practically at least that is as much as you can do. Then she is or she isn’t going to be able to take that on. Is there other factors as well as mental health, neurodivergence is a possibility.

Oh bless her. She probably knows to a degree and is overwhelmed. Are you close enough to have her stay or go to hers and run her a nice bath and take for a pre booked haircut? You could explain that you've noticed things have built up a bit in taking care of herself. Maybe she's also struggling with leaking which could be dealt with by a sensitive chat after. Then move onto the dentist. I wonder if finances are an issue too

Unless she has some health issues you’re not aware about, she is clearly depressed.
Telling her she smells etc….and she needs to start washing her hair, go to the dentist again isnt going to make a difference.

She needs to go and see her GP and see a counsellor.

Does she have a partner at home with her or is she living in her own?

Lack of self care to this extent is very indicative of severe depression in my experience/opinion.

I would suggest this is a clear warning sign that things are much worse than they appear.

I would suggest you approach her and offer help regarding the depression. The self care problem may resolve itself as she gets help, or if you or someone gets closer to her, then it can be tackled as and when.

I think it’s quite possible that she is unable to function when she is on her own and not putting on a face to the rest of the world when with other people.

How about inviting yourself over for a coffee. "My darling I'm worried about you. You don't seem to be looking after yourself. How are you doing?"

Should I speak to her?

Yes, you must. Did you actually discuss it with her DC or just assume they would deal with it? Are they adults?

Focus on how she is feeling. Observe that she is not looking after herself the way she used to and you're worried about her. Ask her would she like to talk to you about it or could she make an appointment with her doctor. Observe that she will most likely feel much better if she can have a bath, wash her hair. Ask if you can be of any practical help.

Proceed carefully. I had to speak to a mber of staff, she was working evening and weekends, sitting in an unheated flat with cold water, hadn't seen family or friends for months and broke down the momemt I politely and tactfully brought it up. People are at the end of their tethers. She couldn't afford either dentist or hairdresser.