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Getting parents' affairs in order

6 replies

App1es · 17/11/2023 12:20

Hi,

I'm thinking about helping my parents get their affairs in order. Unfortunately they are not very transparent - even to each other!

I don't expect to inherit anything from them, as all assets will go to a sibling who will need this more than I ever will. I am happy with this, but I do not want to be the person sorting out a mess because no one knows what's going on if something happens to one or the other of them!

Has anyone had the same issue and helped their parents get their affairs in order in good time? I have broached power of attorney but think making a list of their assets/ savings/ pensions would also be a good start. Do you have any recommendations for a list or a spreadsheet or similar that would help?

I'd really appreciate the advice, thank you.

OP posts:
ChickenBhunaandChips · 17/11/2023 12:47

Power of attorney is really important as you can only do it whilst they have capacity. But it can be a difficult conversation.

CMOTDibbler · 17/11/2023 13:12

One of the awful but necessary conversations is knowing what they want when they die - a preferred funeral director, cremation v burial, any wishes around who to invite to a wake etc. Its really hard to make these decisions quickly without some guidance.
Similarly awful, a discussion around how much intervention they would want. Not just 'do not resuscitate' but if they had dementia or a massive stroke would they want antibiotics for a chest infection or to be taken to hospital for everything or made comfortable and focus on quality of life.
Phone numbers of people they would want to know about serious illness/ death. When my parents died I had no phone numbers for their siblings (I'd only ever been at christmas card exchange level with them), and no details at all for mums friends, and that was very difficult.
Account numbers and banks for all accounts, pension providers, any insurance things, premium bind holder numbers, all super useful in sorting things out.

lucytheloop · 17/11/2023 14:55

Its worth talking about a 'Living Will' with them - this is a docuemt setting out their wishes as well as practicalities. Talking it through withh them is a good way of having a conversation about what they want to do as they advance in years.

Age UK has useful information - https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/advance-decisions/ and in the local area there may be an advocacy service or older peoples charity that can help prepare this document. Sometimes its easier if someone else, one step removed from the family, is administering the process!

My father died earlier this year and it was really useful as his living will, compiled about 5 years ago, set out his wishes which we used as a guide to how to appraoch his care in the last few months.

He set out things like how much medical help he wanted, whether he wanted to go to a care home, people who were important to him and who he wanted to be contacted if he was admitted to hospital as well as information such as where his will, his birth certificate and other docuemnts were and what bank accounts he held. It also expressed his wishes for the funeral. This was produced as a document and electronic copies were circulated to immediate family so that we all knew of his wishes and practicalities.

As part of the preparations he also set up Power of Attorney. This is really important to do whilst your parents still have mental capacity - for health and for financial affairs. It can take several months to come through so its best to set up long before it is needed. The POA can give you full access to their bank accounts so that you will be able to manage their affairs and ultimately have a say in their health. I activated it when my father was first admitted to hospital and within a few days of activation online I was given full access to the accounts and had bank cards etc which meant that I was able to pay all the bills etc whilst he was in hospital which eased his concerns; it also meant that he could go to the care home that was best for him.

In terms of producing a Power of Attorney you can do it alone but for reassurance a lawyer can advise and do it for you. The lawyer will be able to explain it better too and hopefully ease any concerns your parents have.

And whilst talking to a lawyer it may be worth them looking at their wills again - make sure they still meet their wishes in terms of beneficiaries - people, charities etc. As well it may be worth compiling a list of their wishes for particular possessions - if they have pieces of furniture, jewellery or other specific objects they want to give to particular people; this doesnt need to be part of the will but can be kept alongside it. This can help you to distribute the estate and minimise disputes in the family about who gets what.

Another thing to consider is writing a list of their online accounts if they use the internet what are the passwords to their email/ facebook/ other accounts so that you can access them and close them as appropriate.

Its worth approaching this process gradually as too much can be overwhelming.

Good luck!

olderbutwiser · 17/11/2023 15:10

Pil ate a bit like this. We've got poa sorted thank goodness, and have found the best strategy for the rest is to deal as and when an issue arises and they ask for help - mil is very private and independent and unwilling to hand over control, but when an issue came up about her sorting out an online payment for car insurance and she wanted dh to help he used that as a way of showing how helpful it is for him to have logins.

App1es · 17/11/2023 22:15

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/end-of-life-planning/lifebook

Thank you all for taking the time to reply so comprehensively! I also posted this to the elderly parents section and another user signposted to this document, it might be useful for anyone else looking at this thread.

Lots to explore and think about, now to consider the best way to approach this with my parents!

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/end-of-life-planning/lifebook

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 17/11/2023 23:12

My mum will be 86 in January, my PIL are 85 and 91.

We had some frank discussion about their affairs last year and this year.

I have PoA for my mum's bank accounts and she has a medical PoA already so that is sorted, it's about information about her insurances, pension (she has several), wishes for funeral and information about the flat she is renting.

She did an informal will (non-English law) and expressed some wishes she hopes I would honour.

My PIL were very open, even to me, about their money, pensions, insurances, flat. I think DH knows a bit more about their funeral wishes. Again, non-English law means there are certain aspects which will happen if the first of my in-laws dies and it's up to DH to make arrangements.

If they are active online, a list with passwords/cloud is definitely something they should assemble.

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