How to help ‘advanced’ child

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My daughter is 9 and year 5. She’s a mostly happy child, with lots of friends and very extrovert socially. She gets on very well as school generally.

However, her teacher has spoken to me saying she’s been getting annoyed with some other kids in the classroom when partnered with them, and visibly showing it.

My daughter has previously told me it’s because she gets frustrated, she wants to do the work and knows the answers but the other kids are messing around.

I said this to the teacher who said that she is ‘clearly a gifted child’ so she pairs her with those that need more help sometimes.

I’m not sure how to address this with her. Obviously being visibly annoyed isn’t ideal but at the same time should she keep quiet when partners are messing around instead of working? Why should she?

Any tips or advice on helping her deal with this without crushing her spirit?

When my dd was about 5 or 6 she used to be used as a bribe to try and make a boy with additional needs and very challenging behaviour behave. I was proud that she was kind to this child and seemed to genuinely like him when so many other kids wouldn’t give him the time of day (mostly told not to by parents), but she was a small child who needed to learn in her own right and not be used as a bribe. I had to say something in the end as it was affecting her time in the classroom and relationships with other friends. It was a small village school that wasn’t experienced with dealing with children with significant SEN.

my point is I would ask the teacher not to do this. The other kids aren’t your dds responsibility and she needs the opportunity to thrive rather than always having to support others. It’s not about academic ability really. I’m sure she could work perfectly happily with a less academic but engaged and enthusiastic child who isn’t mucking about. This could even be beneficial to both of their learning, but just to be used to encourage good behaviour in kids prone to mucking about isn’t fair.

Yeah, I used to be the bright kid finding group work a pain in the arse as I got so much more done on my own!

I do think now it's good for social skills such as patience with others. At work I've worked with some very sharp people who have perhaps found me rather dull and slow at times.

The teacher should be noticing if someone is messing about though.

That's one great way to learn something. Another great way to learn something is to explore it together with a peer at the same level, enjoying debating ideas and helping each other to find new ways to solve problems, questioning the topic in more and more depth. If she is always in the teaching position, she's missing out on that.

I’m still dealing with this in secondary. DD being sat next to naughty boys. Problem is she is autistic and finds bad behaviour distressing, she isn’t in the position to teach someone who doesn’t want to be there.
I think it’s fine for the odd thing, but day to day it’s not your daughters job to teach others or regulate their behaviour. This technique seems to have been used for a long time now and I can’t see that it works for either child.

Absolutely agree @ManchesterGirl2, my point is occasionally 'using' a child like this is fine, great even for both, whereas all the time is not.
I liked how my dds primary did it, sometimes ability groups, sometimes friendships, sometimes mixed. With the same ability mostly for the core subjects and the mixing happening with the topic type subjects.

I remember my dd being so proud of herself when she managed to persuade Harry to knuckle down and do a drawing for their group project. Teacher praised her leadership skills and she was proud as punch.

Tbh primary school rarely does much for a gifted child. What you have to do is develop them outside of school.

My daughter was paired with a SEN child for a while. That did not end all that well due to his behaviour.

Get your child repaired with someone else - she's done her bit

Nice, well done to her! 😊

My son is in year 6 now and also has sessions outside of class to do additional development work (to stretch his learning.) It depends on the school and the offering. He did his Eleven plus independent of the school with a few tutoring sessions and work through one summer. School don't do extra with this. Schools do support academically able children but they have to work with a broad level of ability. If you want more than this you need to look at private tutoring or additional work at home.

I said this to the teacher who said that she is ‘clearly a gifted child’ so she pairs her with those that need more help sometimes.

This is a tale as old as time and I hate it. My daughter spent years at primarily school sitting next to boys who struggled academically or with behaviour. In year 6 she broke down and cried because, although the seating arrangements were switched termly, she’d spent nearly two terms sitting next to one particular boy and she couldn’t take it anymore. I complained.

And it wasn’t because I have issues with SEN kids. My DD is autistic herself, just the academically able, rule following kind 😄

There’s an enormous difference between being frustrated with someone who processes slowly, and being frustrated with disruptive behaviour. And while one can lead to another it’s not a child’s job to disentangle them, and it’s an enormous social burden for both dc to navigate.

The zone of proximal development is an important educational concept but if the gap in ability is too wide, neither child is benefitting and the teacher needs to rethink how she is pairing the students.

Some of your dd’s frustration might be coming from feeling responsible for the other dc’s learning - and it’s really not her responsibility to teach anyone.

I have adhd and process new information at speed, and waiting for others to catch up can be actually painful. It’s like trying to drive with the handbrake on. I’m still struggling as an adult when my dc need help with their homework. I actively use strategies to manage it but the stress it creates for me is real. I’m so grateful that I went to school at a time when kids like me were given extra work and time in the library corner while the adult with actual teaching qualifications gave more time to those who needed it.

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Explain to dd that learning to be a patient "teacher" is a valuable skill she is learning. She has to tolerate "other peolke" thru her life
But also ask teacher if sometimes the top studdnts can work together to produce more advanced work

This happened to me 35+ years ago - it was so frustrating not just being sat with the disruptive boy but being separated from my friends & other children who were at the same level as me. My mum put a stop to it pretty quick.
I was worried the same would happen to DD, but though she does help other children out in class it's only after she's completed her own work.

I think that’s only ok of you tell the more able child that teaching is their role there.

Dc1 has ended up in that place often. But he was never told he was supposed to teach. Only that they were supposed ‘to-work together to do that exercise/project’. Cue for him to either do it all, get frustrated or later on in secondary get a lot of aggro from the other child (eg the child was the simply expecting dc1 to their work and was getting angry and physical if he didn’t….). See also feeling like you’re failing if the work together isn’t good enough or you haven’t done everything etc…. (Which the able child would know they should have done) because no one had told him the standard he was supposed to be working f At was different….

Ot sounds like the OP’s dd is in the same place. Expected to prop up other children but Wo being told that she should teach/explain.
When expectations from the teacher aren’t clear, it leads to frustration, which is very valid Imo.