It has been a bit of a demanding week....and I am tired, judged and found wanting

[Livingtothefull]

I have been very busy at work. Dealing with a lot of demanding projects, having to push back on the perception that I have been holding things back. I think I really am not....but so easily doubt myself. I said I had to refute the claim that I was slowing down progress and told I was being 'unfair'.

Just completed a separate project, had to confirm an unwelcome outcome to those involved. Steeling myself for (more) negative feedback.

Discussion with my boss this morning about these matters: reading so much into boss's every gesture, fearing I am not being approved of yet again. Had to justify my position as boss had had negative feedback from team who felt they had not been kept updated by me (they had been, but maybe I had not spelled it out clearly enough).

Finished work late. Then took a call from my disabled DS care home to say that he had been playing up, got in a state and damaged some of his property (as he is liable to do). Updated DH who said I hadn't handled the call well, should have questioned the home's handling of the situation and 'didn't know enough about their workings to understand the situation properly'.

DS coming home tomorrow, I will handle him when the carer drops him off. And I mean handle everything: his toileting and changing, feeding, entertaining etc.

I am feeling disheartened right now. I feel I am doing - maybe not my best but the best I know how to do? yet everyone disapproves of me.

What should I think and do next in your view? Life is demanding, and I find it helpful to feel reasonably good about myself but maybe this is the wrong approach?

I don't think it's helpful to conflate the two issues really. Re: the work situation, if that was the feedback given by more than one person then I'd take it constructively, that perhaps something didn't quite mesh with the communication and ask for further feedback as to how exactly it went wrong. Nobody has said you don't work hard, are not capable or are unlikeable - there's been push back on an undesirable outcome, which is to be expected, and some team members have fed back the same issue so presumably there's something to that somewhere. These things happen and are to be expected when expected results aren't being delivered. It will happen to anyone and everyone at some point in their career and all you can do is take it at face value, engage with the feedback and apply what's been learned next time. It isn't as personal as it might feel, it really isn't.

If DP feels a call could have been handled better then he can call them back himself and clarify what he feels needs to be clarified or stated. I do think it's unfair to listen in on a call and then comment in the way he has done. It's not something I'd appreciate, has no real helpful purpose and the fact remains he has their number of he wishes to communicate anything further or give his own opinion.

Thank you very much. Yes @ClairDeLaLune I feel starved at the moment for positivity and praise. I am an OK place this morning though - have taken some time off work.

I think because I have been working so hard lately, I had built up a hope that this would be positively reinforced by my boss; but when it came to our meeting he seemed preoccupied with other things.

It wasn't a negative meeting in any way...there was no criticism or negative feedback, though he did mention a recent event where some colleagues thought I should have kept them updated more promptly. That might be true but it really was minor in the context of what I have been dealing with.

Thank you for telling me I am doing well. It is hard to be convinced of that...when I am struggling and juggling a lot of things I seem only conscious of where I fall short, and any remotely critical or negative comment seems to reinforce that message. It is like running a marathon I suppose, and confronting one's own limitations to complete it; success as continuous perceived failure.

This has made me a little paranoid though....what if everyone secretly thinks I am rubbish at my job, that it is a team talking point but nobody wants to hurt my feelings by telling me? This is how my mind works if not very careful.

My DS care is another matter. On a previous post I detailed what his care entailed and MN actually put a trigger warning on my post, so I won't elaborate on it here. He is an adult with severe physical and learning disabilities.

I think you need more emotional support and maybe a mentor.
Tell your DH - you take the calls please since you think you are handling them better! Put him first on for contact.

It's a bit mean that DH didn't help with the problem, instead he criticised you. Is this a pattern?

You have to be your own cheerleader. It sounds like you have a bit of imposter syndrome......which actually means you are competent and conscientious. Competent and conscientious people often worry if they are doing enough. And that makes you better at what you do.

Verbal praise is overrated as it really just reinforces that our worth is attached to the specific thing we did. And people can praise one day and not the next.

I think do a good job for peace of mind that you did your best. Let other people be attached to the outcome.

I'm a bit broken at the moment though so my view may be skewed! Definitely do kind things for yourself this weekend.

You sound like you're juggling so much. You're amazing. At work act like a Rich White Man Boss. Let it wash over you, stonewall.

Yesterday sounds like a very difficult day and of course you felt overwhelmed. Definitely separate out the two though. Work sounds more like a gentle reminder to try and be more communicative in a timely manner - I would take that, park it but act on it in the future. Put it behind you, job done.

Of course your dear son's care is an emotional issue for you - completely different. I would suggest both you and your husband together approach your son's care home to establish more facts and agree a constructive way forward. It's their job to care for him and I would imagine what happened is not totally unusual. However such bad timing that you had to deal with this and the work issue on the same day. Well done for taking time off work for yourself. Try and go into the weekend with a positive attitude to get the most out of looking after your boy. Forget the work thing for now.

Thank you all so much. I agree @overwhelmed2023 that my DH was out of turn. He is inclined to be critical sometimes when I have a different approach, though because he is under great pressure too I feel I often have to just suck it up. Arguing & bickering just makes things worse.

Thanks @HomiesAlone I will try at work to distance myself from it and keep the emotional aspect out, & act confident. The worse they can do is sack me - and they will never do that (at least not for the foreseeable) and there is nobody else to do the work. Anyway, I am actually competent and good at my job. I think on balance they are lucky to have me - although they may disagree!

I think that you are right @Rollup2024 about imposter syndrome. I am not good at blowing my own trumpet, but want to be rid of that need for praise & to be liked. Actually doing it is a challenge.

Get your DH to do more instead of ' directing operations' !!!
I tell my DH ' I'm not your secretary!'

But I want people to respect what I do too and during hard times it seems that they just don't.

Self respect doesn’t come from other people’s opinion of you, it’s something you give yourself - which can be easier said than done. You’re the only person who truly knows what you’re dealing with, even your DH won’t know the full extent of it because he’s not in your head juggling the things you’re juggling.

On any given day our “best” is going to be changeable because our capacity shifts all the time. I know a phone call about my DC can easily throw the whole day as I try to process information, make practical arrangements etc. On those days my work doesn’t get my objective best, but they get the best I can give. Other days I’m unbeatable, which feels great but isn’t sustainable all of the time. My sense of worth has to come from me knowing I’m doing the best I can with what I have on any given day, knowing that people looking on only see a proportion of what I’m dealing with and would likely struggle with my whole picture too.

Can you give yourself some perspective here - if the comments about communication are fair you can only do better next time, if they’re a push back because of a less than positive outcome set them aside. Just because someone throws you a ball doesn’t mean you need to catch it - sometimes feedback is more about where the other person is than anything to do with you, so let it go.

I hope you’ve got time today to do something for you - try not to ruminate on others opinions of you because you’ll drive yourself mad.

Oh you are so right @Jellycatspyjamas . I should know better than to worry about how I am thought of and keep my perspective. I feel better today much of it thanks to you all - of course I have also been on leave which has helped but I feel calmer.

DS & DH are home, DS is his usual happy self & DH has brought flowers for me, I have a cup of jasmine tea.