Reception friendship drama (potential!)

[EmeraldAquaWildlings]

DD is reasonably shy, and has had some challenges with anxiety and a lack of confidence in the past. We are working on these issues and she’s really coming on amazingly.

I’ve noticed she’s always been drawn to friendships with confident girls, but ones who don’t want to be centre of attention - rather ones who want to take dd under their wing, essentially drawing her away from others.

She has recently started in Reception, and the same thing is happening. Fine, I’m glad she’s made a best friend and seems happy so far. But more and more often dd is telling me that her and BF didn’t want to play with anyone else. Today she told me that another girl who she is friends with asked to play with them and “they” said no. When I questioned her she switched it to “BF said no”, which I can believe but I’m sure she would have been complicit. We talked about how she could have been more kind and how that would have made her feel if she was the other girl, but she very quickly felt ashamed and clammed up. I don’t want to lose her trust so I left it. I know she’s still super young and these friendships can be very fluid, but given she’ll be in the same class for 7 years with this girl, and given dds tendency to seek validation from confident girls, I’m concerned of what may be to come.

How should I handle this? Do I let it play out and (likely) worsen? Do I ask the teacher to encourage them to play separately? Do I speak to the mum? Or work more on dd standing up for herself - in which case, any tips?!

I wouldn't get bogged down in the details of these specific interactions here... As you say, it's all very fluid and these are 4yo girls in their first few weeks of school, finding their feet. I certainly wouldn't speak to the mum! (Which mum did you mean, by the way? Mum of confident friend, or of child they didn't play with? Not that I think it's proportionate to involve either, unless you are already friendly with them and would mention it in a light way). And instead of asking the teacher to separate them, what about asking for her perspective on this stuff? Both what she sees with your DD and her friend, and what her experience has taught her generally? If you have parents evening coming up, that's a good time to ask.

Not sure what else to add, really, but hopefully it will all come out in the wash! Main thing is to keep focusing on building confidence, and hopefully her friendship dynamics will develop accordingly as she matures and gains confidence.

Thought of something else! When you spoke to her about the incident, you asked her to reflect on her part in it... How about also gently helping her to reflect on the dynamic with her friend too? e.g. "Sounds like BF was being a bit bossy there... Is that right? What did you think? Do you like playing with (the other child)?". She probably won't have wonderful textbook replies to any of that either, but it might make her think.

Also, you could tell a story about a time that you were bossed around or overshadowed by a dominant friend, and how it made you feel... Just tell it casually, not as a big moral parable, and don't even draw the parallel. She might draw the parallel herself and it might be a low pressure way to get her to talk about it with you... Or, in the way of children, she might not take the bait at all and change the subject! But it still might plant the seed.