How to not do friends birthday but nicely

[Namenumber3]

I have a friend who is slowly dropping me. 15 years ago we were round each other houses every night, sharing beds on holidays etc. This cooled off over the last few years and I’ve not seen her now in 6 months with the odd call and message . She has loads of friends many who are similarly close so I guess there’s not time for us all. I’m not worried. We are still mates, no falling out, times change I get it.

However despite the decline in friendship there is a big push every year for her birthday. Lots of calls to discuss her plans which involves meals out and weekends away etc. Very exciting stuff and they’ve always been great fun.

This year I’ve got no money and can’t be arsed to spend on her when I never see her. What’s a suitable level of engagement that acknowledges we haven’t fallen out but that we aren’t close now. She knows my friendship circle is smaller and I could fit her plans in if I wanted. No idea how to play this.

Just make an excuse. Book something else in and say you’re busy. It’s kinder and doesn’t burn your bridges.

I would just say sorry you've got no money spare this year.

Be truthful, and don't sugar the pill.

'I can't afford a weekend away / a meal out this year - but happy birthday!' and send her a card.

I’d just have a lot of awkward plans in my diary that I couldn’t change prepared, don’t even have to be real.

Sorry I wasn’t clear in my OP. She doesn’t have a partner or kids and works from home. She’s got loads of friends and goes out much more than other people.

So literally there will be something going on all weekend. Friday night it’ll be dinner with her old school friends, weekend away somewhere fab, Monday lunch with friends from town , Monday night dinner with our old work mates at theirs.
There’s no way I’m busy for all of it and she’ll know it. I don’t want to make her feel like we’ve fallen out but equally I’m happy to let it drift as is she.

Just tell her the truth sorry you can’t afford it this year, and have a good time, catch up after at some point

'Really Sorry, can't make it that weekend I've got loads on' but then if you want to be nice and maintain the friendship find out what restaurant they're going to and get a bottle of fizz for the table or something (I did this for a hen do I didn't want to spunk £600 on couldn't attend and it went down well, no hard feelings).

Ok. What if it’s a dinner party at hers though. Or drinks at hers . Something that just requires me to bring a bottle of wine.

Well if it's money that's the issue in you not wanting to attend, surely a night in that only costs a bottle of supermarket wine solves that.

If you just can't be arsed in any sense then just either don't engage in the conversations or say you're busy and that's it.

Oooh, actually that’s a great idea!!
She’ll not push it if she’s already had some acknowledgment of her birthday from me.
Thanks, that could work!

Just say you're not in the form for socialising. It happens.

@QueSyrahSyrah bit of both. She’s pulled out of our last three meet ups for various reasons for example. She suggests dates and then can’t make it.
Like I said I don’t mind but I’d rather just let the friendship go frankly. No hard feelings but I don’t feel I should be part of her birthday celebrations given we barely talk anymore.

Then you just say..

I'm so sorry but I can't make the celebrations this year, but have a great birthday.

That's all you need to say.

She clearly isn't thinking about you, so why are you giving this so much head space? Do it and I guarantee it will be a massive weight off your shoulders.

If she messages back to ask why/what you are doing, ignore the message.

I'd arrange to go and visit family as my excuse-particularly if you are Facebook friends so she can see you had no plans.

Does she make a fuss for you on your birthday? Will you be doing something with her on yours? If not and if it doesn't bother you then i suggest you end this now with a sorry you can't make it excuse...and leave it at that...she will get the message and back away! If she doesn't back away then keep up with the excuses till she does lol

Have you actually been invited to any of the birthday celebrations?
Given she's cancelled the last 3 times and is letting the friendship slide perhaps she'll make it super easy for you and not even issue an invite this year.

Just say you will be there and then pull out at the last minute. She's done that to you three times so don't feel bad about doing it to her. Post her a card and relax guilt free

Personally, I’d go if there was a low-effort/spend option. Lower-key friendships are still worth having.