If you grew up poor and in bad areas, did you feel like you were missing out by not being middle class?

[cocolamer]

I grew up pretty poor and come from a housing scheme once considered one of the worst slums in Europe. My parents did manage to move to another scheme when I was 8 but it was still a poor area and my parents really struggled to make ends meet.

I was clever at school but it was rough and if you were clever you got bullied. I did escape into reading and I think it was though books, films and TV that discovered a different world of middle class people where people had things like holidays abroad, music lessons, ballet lessons, trips to the theatre or the museum, different kinds of food and experiences in life. I would have been about 7 when I realised I'd been born into the "wrong" life! I longed for all the trappings of a middle class lifestyle and loved to read books and watch films that depicted the kind of arty, intellectual middle class family life I wish I had myself.

It was something I really felt right though school and I did seek out by myself schemes that would allow me to get free music and art lessons (never did get to do ballet though sadly) I did go to university and have a home and life more like the one I wanted as a child although I have made peace with my working class background now and appreciate the good bits of it.

Did anyone else who did grow up poor notice and feel like they were missing out on all the benefits of a middle class upbringing like music lessons, the piano, the art gallery trips, the educated parents with lots of books? I certainly met middle class people at university who seemed to wish they had been brought up poor like the boy I dated from south London who had me convinced he was from the "ghetto" but was in fact from a lovely town house in leafy Greenwich and his parents were both academics at good London universities!

I don't think you're wrong exactly @IheartNiles I think that's probably less true nowadays, however, even given the graduate requirement. Not all nurses I've met have been middle class, certainly.

The nurse one is certainly interesting. 50 years ago, only more middle class girls would have had the opportunity to train as nurses. Now it tends to attract a more working class/ skilled labour group as a rule.

FWIW OP I grew up we in an affluent area. Was top sets at secondary school and felt my life a was a worlds apart from that of my friends. I feel very fortunate to be able to give my children a different life, and often feel like an imposter.

Yep. If Prince William decided to pack it all in and go and work at Tesco he'd still be upper class.

This thread has been amazing to read. People’s experiences have been heartfelt and at times inspirational.

Tonight, I had an unusual view into how my son’s friends see us, and indeed other peers. I am not usually around when he speaks to his friends while playing online but tonight, I was. Interestingly, they had a conversation about what they perceive as being “rich” people. Apparently, we are “rich” not because I throw money out of the window at passers by, but because we live in a house as opposed to a flat - which the friends he was talking to live in.

Our house is an ex council house and is by no means lavish but is ‘privately’ owned by me (not sure if 13 year olds would really understand what that means but this is the truth of it). After the conversation had ended I thought I should talk to my son about this.

I am a single mum but have had this house for 25 years - hence me being able to afford it (more or less). Obviously his friends don’t know that, and why should they. But it was interesting to see how they saw us and why.

I was brought up very middle class to be honest. I went to ballets and operas and museums and play multiple musical instruments. I cannot afford that lifestyle now, and don’t really expect it. But I do believe in experiences. So I try to give my son experiences whereby he is able to find out if he enjoys something or not.

I took him to an opera - that was a very funny experience! He sat sour faced and with the hood of his hoodie pulled over his head before the show. But in the end he found himself opening doors for older patrons and helping them find seats and in fact, ended up enjoying it more than he thought (possibly not for the actual opera though haha).

Everyone’s lives are different. But essentially we are all just trying to survive, get by and hopefully have some good times in between.

I grew up working class but we were comfortable financially and I had access to a nice life and plenty of opportunities. There's a big gulf between poverty and middle class.

Yes massively, and that was made worse by the schools I attended. I remained at a tiny primary school, nowhere near where we lived, in a rich little village. I went to a secondary school miles away (because for the first year my grandparents lived nearby and were supposed to provide childcare support for my mum which they never did). That school was filled to the brim with middle class. I was part of a small handful who came from a poor family and we sure knew it. We were picked on mercilessly for not having brands, no extra curricular activities, free school meals etc. Needless to say I ended up with that small group and got up to no good. It's a wonder I've turned out how I have as it could have been very different.

as non british this thread has been very interesting to read. I never thought activities like reading, visiting museums, doing extra curricular activities as ballet were considered middle class, just normal activities to do?

Well my parents were first generation immigrants and working class poor. I can't remember ever having new toys except on a several occasions.

The one thing that I absolutely, whole heartedly longed for and didn't have was books. I was an absolute book worm and absolutely loved reading.. which lead me to steal books.

I can happily say that my dcs have books galore and love them as much as I do. And they don't have to steal them because I will always allows a book purchase. 😊

I grew up absolutely poor and at times on the streets with my mother. Then I was placed with other relatives because of the neglect. I used to be starving at school and would beg for food and was relentlessly bullied for my clothes and ‘unconventional family’.
i always aspired to have a normal middle class life when I get up and when having kids.I always wanted to give my kids a life with much more support and security.
I went to university and meet my partner and we have a life that I don’t think I ever even dreamt of. Although we are secure with money and kids go to private school, it’s the security and love that I realise I never had. Knowing there is a full fridge and parents at home who see you and are there for you.

I never say no to books too :) it’s just a nice feeling knowing you can afford to buy books 📚

There are adult ballet classes! My DD18 attends as she’s going to drama school next year and has not had ballet lessons since she was 5. She’s the youngest there and she says it’s quite well attended by all ages.

Museums have always been free.

I grew up in a middle class house with bullying controlling abusive parents.

My children are financially less well off but don't have to live with abuse every day

We don't have much money, we could do a lot more before the cost of living went through the roof.

We live close to a nice city and I am good at finding free or low cost stuff to do.

Area is "deprived" but there is a good close knit local community, lots of events ran by community groups. Lots of free or cheap or pay as you can events.

I wish we had more to be able to travel abroad and decorate the house nicer but all in all I think my children better off than I was in terms of happiness.

I used to be jealous of poorer children with kind, non abusive parents.

I still am.

Honestly I understand OP
I wished I went to a private school, like in the books I read and even wore a knitted jumper (most had sweatshirts) and kilt pin on my uniform to make it look smarter 😂.

I grew up with never going on holiday, no car, no music lessons although I did have 1 sport. I found myself some youth activities like you.
Having done pretty well for myself and having an amazing husband who was also a hard worker I managed to have all those “things” including private school for my own children.
but I think I hit 40 and realised I got where I thought I wanted to be and it isn’t all that.

The people in my childhood were genuine and helped each other out, they had nothing but they would give you anything they could, where as I often find “friends” I’ve made along the way disappear when things are hard and would step on you to get themselves or their children an advantage.

I don’t think my children appreciate all their opportunities as they are handed to them - I think we have given them too much too easily (despite trying hard to ensure they are god people) and they do not have the hunger we had.

I’m hoping I’ve realised this early enough to help my children grow in to well rounded individuals with humility not spoiled, entitled young people that I seem to spend a lot of my work life dealing with from “nice” backgrounds.

Personally, no. Luckily for me, there were schemes to help low-income families. Thanks to these, I had violin lessons, swimming lessons, and went to Brownies and Guides. My mum (a single parent) and I also spent a lot of time in local libraries (to avoid going home and having to turn the heating on). I remember reading a lot!

Given that my community was multicultural and my schools had middle class and working class pupils, I never felt as though there was a huge gulf between me and those from different backgrounds.

I didn't go on many family holidays abroad when I was younger, and felt really proud when I travelled in my twenties with the money that I had earned.

For me it was the attitude. We were wc. My mum had a chip on her shoulder about doctors children etc & always said no point trying out for anything as "the big noises" as she referred to them would always get picked & she was right. The professionals children got every opportunity at our school & the teachers (most lived locally) looked down their noses at wc kids & made it known we weren't worth their time. I grew up with a severe inferiority complex. We were never cold or hungry but I had an overwhelming sense that I was a little person to be looked down on.

I grew up in a council flat but in an area that was quite close to really nice houses and I remember walking past and imagining what it must be like to live in one. I didn’t holiday abroad until I was an adult and never really asked for nice trainers or expensive stuff as I knew we couldn’t afford it. I never longed for ballet lessons or art galleries though and I had a happy working class childhood With parents that loved me.
I have however worked my arse off to get myself and kids a nice home and I’m grateful everyday for the life we now have. Probably more grateful and appreciative because of where I came from.

We were fairly poor too, and from a working class area. Only 2 of us in my class didn’t receive free school meals and lived with both parents. We were both bullied (but both of us have good jobs and lives as adults). Unfortunately both of our bullies has horrendous lives (one ended up in some sort of unit for kids with behavioural issues and has since died young)

my parents could barely read or write, but did the absolute best they could: my writing is dreadful: so they went into debt to buy me a pc so I could submit schoolwork (mid 90s: so not cheap)

sure, it would have been nice to have all the trappings of a middle class life, but I wouldn’t change my parents for the world s

For me, it was more about having to take public transport in the pouring rain, never going to a hair dresser, never going out for a meal.

I always felt like I was caught between worlds growing up. I went to a rough comprehensive, lived on a council estate and we were relatively poor but then we had middle class pursuits and hobbies I guess. By middle class I mean, mountain climbing at the weekends, clarinet lessons, classical music in the house, full bookcases, trips to museums, encouraged to paint. I was always reading. I didn't fit in with most of the people on the estate or at school. The ones that shared my interests probably looked down on me a bit because we were poor and they lived in nice areas. I did pretty well at school but felt the judgement from certain teachers because of where I lived.

I didn't go abroad until I was 21 but had spent most of my childhood stuck in an atlas and avidly learning languages. Life is certainly not a level playing field.

I have a different experience. I am from a working class family, grew up in 80's/90's. In a mining area.

I had dance lessons, went horse riding, went to Brownies/ Guides, had swimming lessons. Also went to church and associated groups.
All of these things readily available in our ex pit village.

I feel like I had a really good childhood full of great experiences.
My secondary school offered trips to Theatres in London at the end of the year or a weekend away.
Whilst we didn't go abroad, we had two fortnights a year camping in Devon/Norfolk/Cornwall.
And my parents paid for a foreign trip with school. They also paid for our driving lessons.

We didn't have much money and I didn't have the latest trainers etc. But I never felt I missed out.
I also had a paper round from being 13 which helped me save, it paid me approximately £6-10 a week. Which in the 90's wasn't bad. Plus got a job in sixth form.

My Dad did his absolute best to give us these things ... That said I wasn't spoilt, but he at one point worked his job and a second seasonal job to allow us extras.

I grew up lower MC I think. Born mid 1970s in NE Derbyshire. Dad worked for BT - later as a manager. Mum was a teacher than a SAHP to look after myself & 2 dsis. One car that my Dd took to work. Mum never learned to drive so we walked a lot or caught the bus etc. We went to Brownies/Guides etc & dance lessons but I wasn't allowed to play a musical instrument & didn't go on the French exchange school trip like most of my friends & didnt get much pocket money or nice clothes. Mum never had much money to spend on us & my Dad was quite tight looking back. He squirreled away his savings as we discovered when he died. We had one holiday a year for 2 weeks often by ferry to France staying in a cheap campsite or renting a cottage in Wales etc. My younger sis didn't go abroad until she was 11 & that was by coach to Spain for some reason to a weird hotel with awful food. Think it was a BT holiday actually. Lots of good memories though parents were strict & didn't get on that well & i think my Mum wanted a divorce but it wasnt a thing as much thdn,think she also missed teaching and didnt enjoy being a SAHP that much. Smallish semi detached house that felt dark, chilly & gloomy but looking back think Dad was strict about having the heating on & v obsessed with turning lights off a lot. I wasn't encouraged to invite friends round & felt jealous of friends bigger houses & fun, chatty, welcoming parents. One friend had a family holiday home in Filey. One girl at our sch (average comprehensive, fair bit of bullying) shared a horse. No one ever went skiing- when I moved south I realised that was definitely a 'thing' southern schools often did for school trips in posher areas. We had lots of books & 2 of us went to Uni though my older sis didn't as she asbt as academic. Dad didn't see the point in driving lessons when we were 17 so I learned & paid for myself when I was 24. I couldn't wait to leave home really as I felt stifled at home & fortunately had great friends from age 14 onwards at school & had a ball at Uni. Myself & 2 sisters are all under-achievers really though & lack drive/ambition. Now wishing I'd made more effort with my DP as I moved 140 miles from them aged 21 & never lived at home again (visited a lot though) & they both died in their 70s when I was only early/mid 40s.

I didn't mind depictions if middle class life. It was distant from me and didn't matter.
I used to feel confused and upset at idealised depictions of working class life.
TV shows and books set in a working class neighbourhoods where everyone is kind and friendly. The kids are one big happy gang and random adults are available to provide help or words of wisdom. That sesame street kind of vibe.
My estate was absolutely plagued by anti social behaviour so this sort of thing was definitely not my experience!
Going into teenage years and reading the socialist classics.. presented the same kind of problem. I remember being fascinated by a character called Larry Meath (terrible name!) from a book called Love on the Dole.
He was depicted as an intelligent and educated working class man and (rather than being laughed at and shunned for this) he is respected in his community and sought out for help filling in forms.
I remember trying to work out if the author was wildly romanticising the working classes or if people were just much much nicer in the 1930s, when the book was set.

I eventually decided the former after reading a passage where a character was depressed by a "basin of chipped potatoes" because they seemed to represent the cultural poverty of his environment. And I thought, well this is clearly bullshit. Noone feels that negatively about chips!

I think thinks must be worse now? I did ballet as a child and teen and the costumes were always home made or borrowed through the school. A tutu maker only for something very grand. Ballet lessons, private lessons and equipment were comparatively cheaper then, according to my mother.

It might still be possible to get cheap lessons in a church hall but lessons are expensive, and there's always extras. I have three children and one wants to dance professionally. Pointe shoes for one child are £125.00, because if I buy her a cheap £60 pair they're dead in around a month. The more expensive pair might last four months. The money some parents spend on tutus and private lessons with ex professionals, and competing. It's staggering. Even exam costs - the last DD did cost almost the same as a GCSE does (singular GCSE).
The point is that I don't know how people afford it now, and the difficulties of making it as a career.

OP - I still do ballet now as an adult. I've met many people in that environment who are doing ballet for the first time and several people say that their parents couldn't afford the classes when they were children. You should definitely give it a try.

Sorry for my waffly post.

Reading this thread has been so cathartic. I completely recognise ‘the imposter’ socially and materially - elsewhere on Mumsnet I have posted about designer handbags and afternoon tea at the Ritz, and although these are both aspects of my life now, I can never truly feel at ease with them because I feel like someone living out a fantasy (which of course I am).

On a happier note, teenage me used to walk around at this time of year in the early evenings before the curtains were drawn admiring other people’s sitting rooms. I drove home tonight, looked up at our house, and thought, “I get to live in the sort of house I used to admire.”