Social services/police

[Worriedmuminfo]

will try and make this as short as possible, basically wanting to know what would happen next.

I have a son 6, who has autism and global development delay. His bio dad is not involved at all and not on the birth certificate. Is choice not mine as I have tried to have him a round.

my now ex partner of 5 years has always been around and been great with him.

to put it blunt my ex used to be horrible (all incidents with drink and drugs) he was charged with Dv on his ex partner well before me (I did know about this) so when I did Claire’s law I found out about a few more incidents that charges have been dropped.

in the whole relationship he has NEVER been aggressive with me or my son. However, a few weekends a go he went on a day session and didn’t get back until 1am. I was sat at my house with the next door neighbour (she regularly comes round) and he came in extremely angry accusing me of cheating, slamming doors and broke a few little things around the house. He tried to go up to bed but I asked him to leave and he did. (My son was upstairs but didn’t wake up or see anything)

following this my neighbour called the police and they took a statement from me and said they had to inform social services (fair enough) anyway I said he wasn’t coming back and that was that they left it at that. Social said they didn’t need to be involved and that’s it.

anyway his mum contacted me begging to see if he could see my son as obviously they have bonded massively. I rang social and asked as I didn’t want to hide anything and they said as long as it’s supervised visits that’s ok but if we resumed a relationship I would have to inform them so they could keep us safe.

fast forward.. he’s had a few visits, he’s stopped drinking completely, has enrolled himself into anger management and been to the doctors to ask about counselling as he knows it has been an issue.

i am not saying I do want a relationship with him and I certainly don’t anytime soon as I think he needs to better himself for him not us if that makes sense.

but if in the future we did want to try again does anyone know what would happen? He said he’s happy to be drink and drug tested, go on courses, do whatever needs to be done but I’m just curious if I would then risk loosing my son.

thank you

Im a senior social worker. You wont lose your son, unless theres a major safeguarding issue, and even with SOME safeguarding issues the child isnt always taken away. That's a last resort.

So, his anger management issues. Does he also get angry with brick shithouses who could slam him through the wall? Or does he only get angry with women physically weaker than him?

Ok thank you! Is there any other services he should use to help him that you are aware of please

Actually yes it isn’t just women, I won’t stick up for any man who does it but I will say I knew his ex and worked with her for years and went out drinking with them both together and believe me she regularly used to hit him with pans, plates and all sorts and punch him it was both ways. All incidents were with that same woman which is why I didn’t see it as a concern as he had never been like that with me or anyone else

Thing is, all it takes is one occasion for him to get drunk and angry, even after all the counselling and courses he could do, that could result in you getting hurt. He shown you that side of him now. Is it worth the risk?

@Loubelle70 sorry I didn’t know how to type back on here directly to you lol. Is there anything I should do with regards to him? Or is there any other services he should be seeking help from? He’s having supervised visits once a week or so and the odd face time which they said was fine and honestly I think is helping my son loads but stuff like Xmas and things obviously nowhere is open so would he be allowed here for the day etc? X

@Mabelface I do 100% agree and understand that and as I say I don’t want to stick up for him but he’s claiming that’s it he’s never drinking again as he knows what he has lost because of it so he needs to be completely sober for life now, are you meaning that’s probably not likely? Or have I misunderstood? X

He can make all the promises he wants about never drinking again, but it can't be guaranteed. I actually wouldn't take the risk of allowing him back in any capacity. Especially as you're not the first he's been violent around. I simply couldn't trust him.

I think what would happen with social services would depend upon how much he has actually sorted his life out. What I would say though is give him space and time now to do that. As someone with an addiction, who does a lot of peer support with others who are now trying to get sober, not drinking for a few weeks and seeing the GP doesn't really amount to much. The hardest bits about stopping drinking are actually the first 6 months to a year. It can be quite an emotional and volatile time for some people, as they finally have to deal with the emotions they were running from while using. He may actually be more on edge and more reactive now that he's stopped drinking than before until he deals with his shit. Let him get on with sorting himself out. You focus on you and protecting your child. Your child is very likely not benefitting much from having this man who was drinking excessively and angry who isn't even his dad in his life. If 6 months to a year from now, he's doing genuinely well and keeping his promises, then re-visit these questions.

@mindutopia I probably should have mentioned this, he really isn’t an alcoholic and there are many weeks/months he doesn’t drink at all, it’s only really when he goes to a party/work do or something that’s what he means by not drinking he either wont go or wont drink when he attends those things, this is also why he’s struggling to figure out where to go as he doesn’t have a drinking problem as such just a doesn’t know when to stop problem if that makes any sense? I do resent the comment about him not benefiting his life as he has made a huge impact on my child’s life and a very positive one. I am allowing him contact with him as my son does see him as his dad and has done for a long time. I am however not even looking into us being together any time soon as I know he needs time to sort himself out I just wondered if it would ever work mainly or if social would make me choose in which case I would obviously choose my son.

He wouldn’t be within a 100 miles of me and my child!!

I will add all of the negative comments, I asked for advice not grief, if he was his real dad I imagine a lot of you would suddenly change your opinion and say he has rights blah blah blah. Unless you actually have knowledge on what will happen there’s no need to comment.

You already have some big red flags, don't ignore them.
What if he's lying about some, or all of what he claims to be doing? Even if it's true, what if he does something similar again, or worse (you know he has form)?
You think he sees you won't tolerate that sort of behaviour, but if you let him back in you are showing him you will. At the very least, it could be upsetting and confusing for your son. Put yourself, your ex, and social services to one side, ask yourself what is best for your son, and do that.