Letting everyone down

[Cdk92]

Hi everyone, the mumsnet people I’ve spoken to recently have given me support in a recent thread that overwhelmed me and for which I am so grateful. I’m sorry I am here to burden any dear readers again, but I’m in a bad place mentally and I don’t know to whom to turn without scaring those I love. Perhaps I have a victim mentality as life could be so much worse, but emotionally it could be so much better. I would never act upon it for the sake of my amazing mum and family, but I wish I could disappear. Does anyone else feel like this right now? Could we chat? I think perhaps I am unwell, but also when things are going better in life I feel mentally stable. I think I might be weak. Is life just hard? Apologies for any word salad, my mind is everywhere. I’m in north wales which is five hours away from home. I have my car with me but I have a phobia of driving places I don’t know (how I got here is a longer story). I need a friend, and I just need to collapse 😞. I don’t love living, but I cant go anywhere either.

I feel like you, life is very hard. Current on about week 7 of an 8 month old who still doesnt sleep with a 4 year old who also doesn't sleep all whilst I took just two weeks mat leave after work. I regularly feel like I want to die. Even with working I can barely afford anything. Can you ring your mum?

Oh honey, you need to find the sparkle back. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.

first stop, gp, get some meds to get you back on track

and call your mum, let her know you are struggling x

Yes, life can be really, really hard at times.

Sometimes all you can do is get through this hour, and then after that you tackle the next hour.

Is there anyway you can get back home?

So sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. Have you got someone to talk to and support around you? I can only imagine the lack of sleep personifies everything tenfold. You’re already probably far stronger than you realise. I can be a sounding board if it helps.

thank god I have my mum. I just feel so sorry that I’m the one who makes her worry, she just wants me to be happy

Thank you 😮‍💨 I need to do that. I (think) I have been dealing with emotional abuse at home since 2020. It’s so hard to know when you’re in it, but I think it’s been intense and almost addictive. I don’t recognise who I’ve become in this relationship. I’m here with him on a holiday I booked for us, what a beautiful part of the world but sadly it has been awful for me with him. He’ll hopefully drive us home tomorrow, but who knows what I will get in the morning as I stood my ground today and it hasn’t ended well 😣

Thank you. I think once I’m not with him I’ll be able to do that much easier as I will have that ‘fight or flight’ feeling less. But so scared of the overwhelming sadness of another failed relationship. This one got as far as an engagement, wedding is booked. I know, these are just details, but i feel so sad which I guess is a reflection of my own self worth. Why be sad leaving a situation that is destroying who I am?

I hope your feeling OK it's so hard especially if you feel alone are you going home today

Thank you. I’ve gotten home now and have some figuring out to do. I don’t trust my own judgement due to lack of confidence in myself, I think due to my home life. But I’m not sure. Thank you for asking x

I’ve been there 2 years ago I honestly felt like my children would be better off without me, the world would be better off without me. There had been incredible fallout in my family from abuse and my family turned against me and I believed their bullshit.

But it was bullshit. It was what I now call the “gaslight”. But here is the clincher I was doing their “gaslight” to myself, telling myself bullshit that wasn’t real. Here is the actual truth.

I have value, I am a good person, I didn’t deserve what my family did to me, it was them who were the problem not me, I could have a great life without them in it.

I don’t know what your gaslight that you are telling yourself is, but it is a gaslight and it is wrong. You don’t deserve the shit, you deserve good things, you can have good things.

My life is much smaller now but much, much better. I really enjoy little things, reading, writing, exercise, eating good food, small treats, time with the people who were in my corner. I protect my energy and time from people who try to use it inappropriately. I switched off the gaslight.

Sorry to hear you went through a tough time, sounds like you learnt some valuable lessons along the way. I would like a smaller life too, I think. I think I am becoming cynical, and starting to believe many men only value you when they have some sort of power or control over you. I’m finding when I set boundaries and say ‘no’, all hell breaks loose. I need to find a way to get angry and hold my ground and not be bullied into submission.

I’m in a ‘fright’ situation at the moment. I know things aren’t good, but also too scared to leave. He reminds me I am a coward for staying when I say his behaviour towards me is mentally abusive.

Also I love the phrase ‘protect your energy’. I’d be really interested to know if you have any tips. I think I give away energy freely and I am feeling drained/resentful

Honestly it turned out to be simple. I just said no more often and wasn’t for turning when I said it. It took practice though, there are some very difficult people out there.