Don't know what to do re DM-Advise please

[Fingerscrossed22]

Hi,
I have name changed.
I'm just looking for a bit of advise / back up?

I feel I have to start by saying DM is white , British , 60 and always lived in the small area where she was born- rarely goes out of area and where we live there is v.little diversity- as an example , we have an Indian and chinese restaurant - that is as far as diversity goes here.
I am really struggling with My Dm.
We have a real ' clash 'relationship at times and I have really put my foot down on her behaviour this year with a serious issue, due to her opinions.
Basically, her belief is any male (of any age) ,who wears jewelry or doesnt have a 'short back and sides' hairstyle, is gay.( she is homophobic)
My Ds age 10 has just got his ear pierced. His choice.
Prior to getting it done, my DM (not infront of Ds) stated to me she would' disown Ds if he got it done, it's disgusting and wrong'
I calmly stated if that was her opinion that is fine but she can't continue to be part of our lives. She put the phone down and we have not spoken since the summer.
I am due to get married next month, she knows ofcourse.
At the v.least Dm knows I expect an apology- she has form for never apologising.

I am the only Dd- I have 2 DB and you would think she would want to be part of my wedding day but also continue having a relationship with her GC.
If I just carry on with the day as normal and she is there, I will feel on edge she will say something to Ds and the day will just be me worried about her upseting DS in some way.
she also has form for expressing her opinions , v.much knowing they arn't really correct at all in todays society, she never apologises when clearly in wrong but instead hopes after a few weeks- When someone has gone against her opinion, all will be forgotten and carry on as'normal'.
I can't do that anymore , this sort of thing to happpen to my children was too far- there has been other comments made about the other DC and family prior, who dont 'fit' into her mindset of what is 'acceptable'.

What do I do?
My DF has spoken to her - they have been married a long time and he v.much disagrees with her controversial opinions, so pointless getting him to assist here.
DF and I have a good relationship but as said ,DM opinions are sort of ' put aside' as ' that is was was she is just like'

if I were you I’d make sure she knows she is no longer invited. Why in earth would you have someone at your wedding who hasn’t spoken to you since the summer and who he form for saying upsetting things?

I would get the drama out of the way now. Tell her she is no longer invited then at least on the day you can relax knowing it is sorted.

How do you brothers feel about the situation? would they back you up that her comments about your son and his earring are wrong??

Do you have a good friend (friends) would could be on mum watch and as soon as anything happens they escort her out?

Apparently there was nearly a fight at my wedding but someone stepped in and we knew nothing of it.

As for your mother, I'd be clear she can have her opinion but as soon as she says anything to your son she is out. And at 10 I'd explain to your son that grandma is out of touch and wrong.

Bless him.

Why would you want her at your wedding? She sounds deeply unpleasant and the rest of your family just seem to dismiss it as 'that's how she is'. How she is, is not acceptable. What if one of your dc is actually gay or brings home a partner with a non white British background? Invite the rest of the family and allow her to continue ignoring you. She's not going to change, she will be expecting you to back down and just accept her disgusting views. Don't do it.

My dmum was a bit like this (but not as bad). I went through a stage of enforcing boundaries and every time she brought something up I'd say " I'm not having that discussion with you" on rote, interrupting her mid flow. Or I've told you I don't agree with you so I'm not discussing it". It did work.
Re your son, I'd think I'd say 'of course you are entitled to you opinion and I dont agree and of course every choice has consequences '. The thing is she is allowed to carry on as everyone puts it to one side. If you put in place boundaries she at least won't talk to you about it and will get bored. If you start doing it the others might to.

By the way this changed my relationship with my dmum, in a good way.

I'm not dure it will work in time for your wedding though but maybe it's time for a deep breath and tell her under what terms she will be welcome.

I would send her an invite stating that she is welcome to attend if she can keep her offensive opinions to herself so not to ruin your day and your sons day. If unable to behave considerately it’s best not to attend as the impact will be too damaging on a joyous celebratory day.

If you do invite her I would forewarn your son that his granny has some strange and horrible ideas about things, and may say something mean to him about his earring, and he should just laugh at her and say ‘don’t be silly granny’ or something like that.

Dm would utterly disown any of her DC or GC if they were gay & if anyone brought home some who wasn't white- also disown

@Dowhadiddydiddydum - My brothers just stay out of it tbh as they are v.much ' It's the way she is, won't change' attitude.
As of yet their DC - same ages as mine-have not had any ' comments' directed about them yet , this could change ofcourse

So has your dm disowned your ds? Like she hadn't spoken to him since he got his piercing? Does this mean she doesn't want to be in his company? What is her definition of disowning?

And obviously if she has disowned your son she is absolutely not invited to your wedding. This is a consequence of her action, not his or yours.

@Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon , yep- words at time were' Not my grandson, its wrong, wash my hands if its done'

Which my interputation is - 'Don't want to see him with a piercing or acknowledge relationship. '
She hasnt seen me or other DC since.
They havent asked tbh to see her either - the other Dc is younger.

I agree with @Dowhadiddydiddydum . I could not be arsed with this drama at all.

There's plenty of people who hold the views of your mother and you aren't going to change her mind. And it's not your job to do so.

It is your job to make the right decisions for yourself and your children.

Ask her if your DS is still disowned for having an earring or has she come to her senses? If she says he is disowned say you better not come to the wedding then because he will be there and I don't want you to upset him.

Then nope, she isn't invited to your wedding. Your job now is to protect your son. She can get in the bin!