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I need some advice please. I find myself in as stressful situation

14 replies

RainbowColourcake · 13/11/2023 14:31

I live at home with my aging mother. I find over the past few years she can be very awkward and stubborn.

She was ignoring a leak in her kitchen sink for the past few months. She asked me not to get a plumber and I respected her wishes. But then in September, I realised that this is a problem and it will only get worse.

So I booked a plumber. I got a quote and I was happy to pay to fix the issue.

Only when I told my mother she panicked. It's not a financial issue with her so I don't know what she panicked. Maybe something about taking a man into the house. But she's so strange. It's a home and sometimes there's going to be work needed on a home and sometimes you need to get a trademan in to do work.

Last week I was looking for the stopcock to turn off the cold water feed into the house. It took me a few days because it's an external stopcock.

I have a plumber booked since last week and he is due to come to me tomorrow, all going well. I still didn't tell my mother because I think she will only panic and tell me to cancel him. Even though I have a job for him to do and it's an important job. I will like him to fix the leak and fit and stop valve under the sink. This is money that will be well worth it in my opinion and I am ready to pay for this. I am anxious to tell her because I know her. She will only panic and lose it and get me to cancel him. I think it's so important to get an indoor stop valve incase there's any issues going forward.

However last week my mother bumberld into her ex locally and he's my father. He worked in the trades business but not as a plumber and she asked him would he do it for her but she's only asking him in order to get the job done for free (while she curses him in her next breath). He said he will do it and he will be up on Sunday or some day next week.

He was a no show yesterday and I knew that would happen and to be honest I don't have faith that he will call this week. He was unreliable before and he also has a drink problem and he's usually always drink and his health is bad and it really wasn't sane of my mother to ask him.

I was working behind the scenes at planning to get this done and then I was going to tell her the night before the plumber will come or on the morning he is due to come.

I can see this turning into a big fat mess.
My mother has hope in her ex who was unreliable before and I would prefer to get a real proper plumber to look at it and get an isolation valve under the sink too. If my father dies carry out the work, he won't do that bit.

My mother is stressed and anxious and to be honest she doesn't even want my father anywhere near the house and I am trying to tell her that I will get this done without telling her more. A plumber is due to come to me tomorrow but she doesn't know it yet. I told her that I can get a plumber but then she's anxious about how my father will be for going behind his back but then I told her that I can get that covered by saying my boyfriend helped with the job in the end and thank him and visit him with a bottle and invite him over for the Christmas and then that should be it. Over and done with.

I know this sounds so long and complicated.

TL:DR
I have a plumber booked who should be with me tomorrow and I am yet to tell my mother because she will panic at the idea of man coming into the house but she tracked down her ex last week and asked him would he do it for her and he agreed but he's always known to be unreliable.

I am in a position now not knowing if I should cancel the plumber or go ahead with him and if he calls, she will likely go into a frenzy.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 13/11/2023 14:33

Have you ever discussed why your mother panics if a man in the house?

and given she goes out - why don’t you send you out to a cafe?

RainbowColourcake · 13/11/2023 14:35

Life shouldn't be this hard. It's a leak that should be dealt with. Find a plumber, get him to do work and pay him and job done.

I think my mother's issue but she's not able to communicate it is that she thinks everyone is out to cheat her. But about this thing, she's not even paying. It's me.

I remember earlier this year we had to get a gas installer for a job on gas and when he was ready she decided to run around and see if there's any other jobs she can get him to do.

I think another thing is, the lord himself can turn up and she will find fault and be overly critical.

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 13/11/2023 14:38

It is easy to see your dm has caused you to suffer anxiety also op. Break the chain now. Plumbing job needs done. Call plumber.. Make it really that simple...
Do not warn her he is coming.

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RainbowColourcake · 13/11/2023 14:39

I don't know why she panics when a man comes into the house. It's completely unreasonable. I suspect it's something to do with her marriage and her abusive ex but she's more than happy to talk to him and use him for a job. But I just don't believe a tradesman will come into the house and harm her. She's behaving as if a man will be abusive and rape her and those are not her words but that's the vibes I am getting. It's paranoia and to be honest there's no need for it.
(I am more trusting).

I thought about sending her out for the morning but over the past few weeks she has been engaged in what I can only describe as manic cleaning episodes and I try to redirect her but she's utterly in her own world and encouraging her to do out for a morning likely won't work. She's not a person that will go to a coffee shop for a while.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 13/11/2023 14:39

Why do you live with her? You don’t seem to like her very much

Afteropening · 13/11/2023 14:40

Has she always been like this about men in house? Have you ever had a male partner or friend over?

RainbowColourcake · 13/11/2023 14:40

This is what my plan was. Book him and not tell her til here's there's. He is due to come to me tomorrow but I am nervous about her reaction. When the job is all done I can phone my father and just tell him it's all done now and redirect him in another way and it should be that.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 13/11/2023 14:43

RainbowColourcake · 13/11/2023 14:40

This is what my plan was. Book him and not tell her til here's there's. He is due to come to me tomorrow but I am nervous about her reaction. When the job is all done I can phone my father and just tell him it's all done now and redirect him in another way and it should be that.

Well there we do

and maybe follow up with thinking about your living arrangements

RainbowColourcake · 13/11/2023 14:43

She hasn't always been like this. It's only a relatively new-ish behaviour from her.

When my brothers were living at home and before they moved away, they always had friends over and she tolerated them well.

I have a boyfriend and he does over with me. I do get a bad vibe from her when he comes to visit me. Even though hesa good man. She turns odd like a scared cat.

She's the same way when a van or courier comes into the drive way, she goes into a silent panic mode and runs to her room like a scared cat.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 13/11/2023 14:45

4 threads in 3 days about your mother OP

RainbowColourcake · 13/11/2023 14:45

I'm in Ireland with a desperate housing situation. I see a decline with my mother that I am uneasy about and my mind is gearing up toward the possibilty of dementia and how can I leave her alone when she's like this?

OP posts:
quivers · 13/11/2023 15:25

This isn't about plumbing OP.

Go and speak to your doctor (who is presumably the same as your mother's since you live together) and speak to them about all this. Tell them your concerns about her behaviour. She is either mentally unwell or suffering from the onset of dementia, possibly both, and you can't deal with this unsupported. You need professional intervention whether your mother wants to co-operate or not.

Your needs and welfare are just as important as hers.

RainbowColourcake · 13/11/2023 16:14

quivers · 13/11/2023 15:25

This isn't about plumbing OP.

Go and speak to your doctor (who is presumably the same as your mother's since you live together) and speak to them about all this. Tell them your concerns about her behaviour. She is either mentally unwell or suffering from the onset of dementia, possibly both, and you can't deal with this unsupported. You need professional intervention whether your mother wants to co-operate or not.

Your needs and welfare are just as important as hers.

Right now it is a plumbing issue and I am in a stressful situation.

My mother has decided to ignore a leak. I am now trying to sort this and manage it and get it stopped. I have a plumber booked for tomorrow but I feel like I am in a position where I can't even tell her that because she's only just going to freak out about it and order me to cancel him. Then a recent change, she has decided to palace faith her in ex husband who is an alcoholic and he was abusive to her within their marriage. She doesn't even want him in the home but she's happy to use him. She is expecting him to make an appearance but I know he likely won't for another while anyways.

I am in an impossible situation.

As soon as this is sorted, to fuck with Christmas and any Christmas plans, I will have to go to our GP and get help.

She was going through legal issues (divorce) for years and I was hoping to let the legal stuff finish, early next year, before going ahead with her GP.

It's a leaking tap. It shouldn't be this complex. I don't want to cancel my plumber that my mother doesn't know about and I don't want my father sorting the issue either.
Why she targeted him, I will never know.

OP posts:
RainbowColourcake · 13/11/2023 16:15

My mother is completely oblivious to my father's condition. He really isn't in any fit state to carry out any work on his old family home.

OP posts:
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