Child with autism

[Foralltheteainchina]

We have one DS who was formally diagnosed with ASD this year at almost 4 years old. We suspected he had autism at 18 months old. He is such an amazing little boy & so clever & we love him to pieces. However he does have his difficulties & sensory struggles. We're not under the allusion that he won't have life long struggles but hope for him to have a very happy & independent life. For this reason & the cost of living crisis, we have made the decision to be one & done. As I'm his main caregiver I know for definite that I wouldn't be able to cope with another child & have never had the desire to have anymore children & can't risk another special needs child.

I just wondered if you have a child or any children with ASD, did you go on to have any more children?

😊

My youngest was a few weeks old when autism was first mentioned for ds. Those two have a love hate relationship which can be very difficult to manage at times, especially as they have got older.

It's difficult though, some people will tell you what a wonderful relationship their two children have and how the youngest is so understanding of disabilities and then you get posters like me.

It is hard to say, but the personality of my youngest is a massive factor which no one can predict.

My oldest has ASD and global developmental delay, he’s 7 (nearly 8). He was diagnosed just after his third birthday. He has his struggles. I know this sounds bleak but I’m confident he will struggle with mental health issues when he’s older. I can already see the seeds of them now. He has always been quite an intense child, quick to anger and patience is a foreign concept to him!

That being said he is the most loving little boy. Extremely passionate and knowledgeable about his interests. How many facts one child can know about different kinds of fish still amazes me! It upsets me how much he struggles with life but I have hope he will be able to live a mostly independent life some day with a few adaptations.

To answer your question, I went on to have dd whose now 5. It was extremely obvious she was autistic by 18 months. She was diagnosed before her third birthday with profound autism and severe global developmental delay. She is non verbal, still in nappies and I suspect will be for a long time yet. She has no awareness of the world around her and will need lifelong care.

Honestly she is my whole heart. I’ll happily spend the rest of my life caring for her but I’ll admit I was somewhat naive… I generally believed that lightning wouldn’t strike twice.

I then found myself pregnant with an accidental baby. She’s now two and I’m completely unsure. She is developing ‘normally’ and meeting all milestones but I have noticed she does occasionally stim. I don’t know if she’s mimicking her sister though. I’m not overly concerned and I think if she does also turn out to be autistic it will be high functioning.

I have 4 children, my second has Autism. My third possibly has some SN too. Both boys. No obvious SN in either of my girls though.

My two both have ASD. My eldest was diagnosed at 14yo and my youngest at 4yo. There is 4 years between them. It wasn’t obvious at all to anyone that my eldest had asd and I don’t think I’d have identified it as ASD if it wasn’t for my youngest being so obviously autistic (classic autism, so cognitive impairment as well as scoring high in the ADOS assessment) and me learning about it.

In fact, very few people agreed with me that my eldest had enough asd traits to merit seeking an assessment for him, and I really pushed for it. Whereas it was very obvious that my youngest clearly had Sen of some description from before he was 2yo (well, some family members didn’t recognise it at all, but it was obvious to me).

The extent of my youngest’s difficulties, and the impact that has on all of us, especially my eldest, meant that we decided against having a third. Nobody else in our families has diagnosed Sen but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there, of course.

I have three, middle one has an ASD (high functioning) diagnosis, and other two have traits (but youngest has more traits and may well be on a diagnostic pathway at some point in next year or so.

I think my middle one starting struggling a lot more after I had the youngest (middle one was 5 when youngest was born), so I do think that having less attention at that critical time in their lives (ie having to ‘share’ attention with a newborn) may have made things worse.

However, while it has not always been rosy between them all (it has been terrible at times), the benefits of having a close sibling to play with, and socialise with, for us, have been immense. I wonder what my middle child would have been like had they been an only child, and I suspect they would have had more social difficulties generally (having had less social ‘practice’).

However, this is high functioning ASD / mainstream school / no EHCP.. I imagine it would be different for other families / other individuals, with other types of challenges.

I have one with ASD, he never fails to tell me how glad he is to be an only child! I am able to put so much time and effort into helping and supporting him and although he's not very social he has done really well at school.

I have two Dd1 is 12, DD2 is 9. It wasn’t immediately obvious that we had Autism in the family, in hindsight DD1’s fear of noisy hand dryers and flushing toilets was a telling sign. Dd2 has only just got her AuDHD diagnosis. Dd1 who has predominantly sensory challenges will follow in the new year. Would I have stuck to one dc had I known? Who knows. But I always tell my childless Dbro who is likely ADHD and SIL who is also AuDHD to think very very carefully before embarking on children. My older brother has a second child after a 12 year gap and DN is showing signs of being affected significantly.

We didn’t get a diagnosis until dd was 9, but she was an extremely difficult baby and toddler. That played a large part in our decision to have only one. I am very happy with that decision. We are able to structure our household to meet her needs instead of needing to balance rules for multiple children. It also frees up resources for therapies and enrichment experiences.

I have 4 children. My oldest is autistic, if I could turn back time I wouldn’t have had any more children after her.

I have a 50/50 split of ASD and (almost 😅NT children) two of each. I'm also disabled and newly seperated with no family support nearby. Sometimes it's almost impossible. Sometimes it's wonderful. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I am brilliant. Same for them. We have no choice but to get on with it. Things that work for us may seem very unconventional to others, but I do not care because it works best for the children, and ergo for me.

...It's kind of the the sun, as in, it's too big to look at?! The light from it affects everything.. but as long as I don't look directly at it, we survive, and even thrive.

My eldest was 15 months old when my youngest was born.

Eldest DX at 2.5, youngest at 3.

We had originally hoped to have 3 children but decided not to have a third because we felt it was best to focus on meeting the needs of our existing children rather than adding a third.

Had we got the DX for our eldest before I got pregnant again I think we would have not had any more children, or would have waited several years to see how things panned out.

I have 2 DCs, the oldest was diagnosed at 3yo and the youngest (so far) seems NT (or at least not showing the same challenges as DC1 who is non verbal and in SEN school). they are 15months apart and I did not know until 2yo ish (after a regression) that the first was autistic. I was very fixated about regression / worrying with DC2 for a period.

I wouldn’t have a third for the reasons you describe, but I am glad to have 2. DC2 does not get much interaction from DC1 , and DC1 would probably rather be an only child, but you can’t choose dynamics in any family I guess.

are you worried you’ll regret it if you stick with one?

I have one son, 18 next month, he was diagnosed with ASD at 5yrs old. It's been very challenging and he's been to 2 mainstream primary schools, 1 special primary school and 3 special high schools. Came out of school with no qualifications, battled to het him into local collage to do BTECH Level 2 music and he got a distinction along with functional skills Level 1 in Maths and English. He's now doing Level 3 music and GCSE english.

I couldn't have managed with 2 children, my husband works long hours and weekends and I've worked either full time or 25/30 hours since he was 6 weeks old.

My son has turned into a lovely young man but still requires a lot of support.

3 children, all have autism. We're pretty sure my siblings and I are autistic too. We don't seem to do neurotypical in my family but had no idea a few years back! If you'd asked me 20 years ago I would have said we didn't have any autism in the family.

My ds was my third (other two are adults) he was diagnosed at 3. We had considered having another prior to having him. But the first few years were so challenging we decided not to. I feel it's much better for him as we can follow his routines and give what he needs and manage his meltdowns. Another child would have been over shadowed and ds would have struggled with unpredictability/noise etc. we have a niece and now he mostly ignores her but he does find her stressful

Ive one on route for diagnosis and 8yo with traits.
I dont think eldest would have been diagnosable at 2 before getting pg with dc2.
She did never sleep, and wouldnt listen to no etc. It became more obvious by 3 there maybe something and 4 at school.
A relative of dp has a sen dd - already 5yo with the stepdad having adhd. So im surprised that they will go on and have a dc2. Knowing how my 2 fight, and their risk of asd/adhd is going to be very high.
I think the time to acknowledge an issue with the nhs will have increased the number of asd kids. As more siblings born than would be is if was clearer the eldest wouldnt grow out of it and the higher risk for siblings.

With people having kids older some maybe having a shorter age gap than they would like.
Interestingly 2 kids i know with asd are the eldest with 12m age gaps to sibling (NT).
Possibly they were unusually placid and didnt demand parental attention.

We have one DD who has SLD, severe autism and suffers from a life threatening form of epilepsy.

We only ever wanted 1 DC and she took 4 years of infertility treatment and several missed MC's before she finally arrived but unfortunately suffered a devastating condition at 7 months old which left her with her lifelong difficulties.

Things were incredibly tough when she was very young primarily, we later discovered, due to her being prescribed the wrong medication. DD had to attend special needs boarding school from 8 years old as the specialist day schools couldn't cope with her. This was devastating initially for us but we visited her every weekend and long term it proved to be a Godsend.

To cut a very long story short, DD is 30 now, lives in her own beautiful apartment in an excellent, small managed centre close to home and the three of us have an incredibly close bond. We haven't had the normal parenting experience by any measure e.g. no first days at school, no exams, no relationships, no university, no career concerns, no housing stresses etc.
However, what we do have is a beautiful DD who will forever be like a 3 year old and who is the centre of our world.

My advice, should you choose to stay with the 1 DC, would be not to compare with friends'/family children but to focus on what you DO have. It does sound as if your ds is much more capable than our DD ever was or will be
but I can honestly say we have never bothered about what we didn't experience or fret because we will never have grandchildren. Our lives are unique, our DD is unique and when we see how happy and confident she is now, in her own world, we know we did the best for her and she loves us unconditionally.

I wish the very best future for the three of you.

DS was diagnosed this year, aged 10. Though in hindsight there were signs, practically from birth.

At the time we didn't have another child because I had a difficult pregnancy and was left traumatised by the birth. When we were thinking maybe about it, I had health problems which meant pregnancy would have been unwise.

Now I'm mostly relieved we didn't (though slightly sad at times). Last year, when things really got bad, was a nightmare, it would have been terrifying for a younger sibling. And now our lives are pretty much appointments for DS, managing his behaviour and trying to help him, and trying to fit in work around that to keep afloat financially.

We stopped at one. It was only because once I'd had DS I didn't feel broody for another, and as it has turned out I'm glad I didn't. It might have been OK, it might not; we could have had another more severely affected. DS asked for a sibling a few times (always a brother) and I did feel a pang but thought "Not a chance, I can't risk it". The chances of having another child with autism is very high (and many children present very differently, so one child is noticed and another isn't, maybe because they're quieter/masking and don't trigger suspicion in the same way).

It has worked out OK for us so far, although it has been immensely difficult at times. People will assume that high functioning means "doesn't have any problems" but there is nobody with a diagnosis that isn't severely hampered by ASD. Having only one dc has meant we can focus 100% on DS and not worry about the consequences for a sibling. We've had more resources like time/money to invest in helping him make the most of his potential. We haven't been held back from doing the things DS is capable of (like travel) by another child who couldn't manage. Or they could clash terribly rather than getting on. I'm sure we're missing out on the benefits another sibling can bring but that's part of the great unknown, and I can live with that.

FWIW realising that there was something amiss with DS and doing the research to find out what, I realised what was amiss with me and I'm so grateful for that. If it hadn't have been for him, I wouldn't still be here. Autism is miserable and I'm so thankful that things are different from how they were in my childhood.

Everyone's path is different, so I'm not suggesting anyone should stop at one. Personally I'd rather have (small) regrets that we didn't than regrets that we did. The risk was too great.

I have 2 with autism but there's 20 years between them. DD had moved out before I had DS.

Have 2 boys. Eldest was probably at the time showing signs but I didn't notice. Had my 2nd son when eldest was 2 years old. Youngest obviously adhd and asd ( aspergers diagnosed). Eldest has some traits although nowhere near as obvious. Had I have known eldest had traits I wouldn't have gone on to have my 2nd. 2nd is hard work mentally emotionally and financially. I'm not asd but often wonder if I have inattentive adhd. When we were doing a check list for asd a great deal of it is relevant to my husband.

We chose to stick with one partly for this reason (we were older anyway and probably couldn’t have had any more had we wanted any). We adore our DS and also are just about keeping our heads above water but I’ve had to abandon my career and we are so utterly wrecked with exhaustion that there is no question in my mind any more children would have resulted in a very poor quality of life for everyone involved.

Such a beautiful, heartfelt post. She (and you) sound so lovely! @JadeSeahorse

3 kids

first, has autism
second two, don’t

we have our challenges 😜

they’re all teens now!