Children being mean to ginger haired DS

[MonkeyPuddle]

DS is 6 and has (in my eyes) beautiful dark red curls. He was born with red hair and it’s the same colour now as it was when he was born so is likely to stay this colour.
My issue is how to deal with kids being not so kind about his hair. One child in particular who he knows out of school as well (we know her through a sports club but she is a couple of years older) will regularly shout ‘red head red head’ at him multiple times in the playground at pick up time. Each time I tell her it’s not on, she does stop when I tell her, but my issue is that she’ll be doing when I’m not there at break times.
So far DS hasn’t been upset by her words, or to be honest, that he’s the only ginger in his year group, but I’m sure it’s only time. I don’t want him to feel bad about his hair. Or himself.
Im not sure how to deal with it all going forward, what do I say to DS when kids are mean? We have a lovely relationship with school and I know I can approach his teacher, should I do this now and nip things in the bud?

I found being confused by people’s “ginger!” comments worked quite well. “Yes, I have got red hair. Have you only just noticed? 🤨”

Being completely unbothered by their comments meant it got boring to comment on it. I only get compliments now as do my DDs with the same colour.

Ah speak to her parents, that’s not on!

Like you, I think red hair is absolutely beautiful. Though that’s beside the point. It’s awful that teasing children (and adults) with red hair is still seen as acceptable by so many people, even those who would call out bullying targeting any other part of a person’s appearance.
Yes, I would speak to the school and ask them to have a firm word with her. Is her mum or dad witnessing her behaviour?

yes would mention to teacher - absolutely do this.

The thing that makes it tricky is he plays on a sports team with this girls younger sister twice a week (we see her there, but she never says it at club, just at school) I know her parents and her aunt (all lovely people, genuinely lovely). I am also involved in the club as a volunteer. She’s about 10 years old and I don’t think she’s being spiteful, I think she thinks it’s just a bit funny and just being a ten year old. I do know that usually she’s a lovely girl. But it’s these types of ‘playful’ insults that nestle deep in us, that build insecurities, and that’s what I want to avoid for DS.

10 years old is more than old enough that you don’t make fun of people’s appearance. If her family are so lovely can’t you just speak to one of them and ask them to tell her to stop it?

My daughter has ginger hair. If someone shouted ‘red head’ at her she’d just be like yeah and? She doesn’t even see it as an insult. She knows her hair is ginger and that’s a normal colour for hair. Why is it anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about? The child is stating a fact about his hair. Why does the child think it’s anything to ridicule?

This girl needs to understand that it's rude to remark on someone's appearance - whether it's their weight, glasses or missing leg - and doing it repeatedly is bullying If she hasn't got the message from what you have said, tell her parents or the school. You are doing her a favour.

Exactly. If she’s only saying ‘red head’ then it’s hardly the bullying case of the century. If you think his hair is beautiful and something to be proud of then teach him that.

Kids and people will always focus on the most visible and outstanding feature - it’s like people saying ‘aren’t you tall?’ To tall people! It’s dumb, but probably something he should just be taught to ignore and shrug off. I think that will help him be resilient to this in the long term, rather than you making a big deal about it.

My red head daughter 8yr old makes me laugh, when someone compliments her lovely ‘red hair’, she corrects them emphatically saying ‘I’m ginger’!!! It has no negative connotations for her, she’s very proud, of which I am grateful and relieved. Like you I’m conscious that it can change. Have you heard about the annual redhead convention that runs? I’d love to take my kids one year. I think it’s worth mentioning to her parents but in general boosting your son to feel that he is special and rare, not many people are as lucky as him. Look at famous redheads maybe, like Ron in Harry Potter? It is a point of difference if he is the only one so try to reclaim that for him as a good thing - I’m sure you already do.

Red hair is the loveliest colour imo. Ive got dark brown/black hair like 95% of the world, i would love firey auburn tresses!

I would mention to the teacher so she can nip in the bud

Yeah I think quiet resilience is probably the best way forward. I’m probably overthinking things, DS can be a sensitive soul sometimes but hasn’t been bothered by this, much more that I have!

Re the not wanting to talk to the family is that I know the aunt much more than the parents and it’s not really in her remit as Aunty to deal with these things? Again, it’s probably over thinking on my part.

thank you all, it’s been good to get some opinions and ways of moving forward.

Im going to speak to DS’s teacher in the week (he’s just had a week off sick and likely had much more pressing things to deal with) just to give him a heads up and adopting a ‘and what, yeah my hairs ginger, so…?’ approach with DS. DS’s teach is fab.

thanks 😊

And when I say she’s only her saying ‘red head’ she’s shouting it in his face multiple times while they’re running about the play ground. It’s definitely an othering. But I genuinely think she’s just found the easiest difference and is just shouting it out with much deeper thought, I honestly don’t think she’s trying to hurt his feelings. Just being a daft kid.

Ha mine is the same. She proudly says ‘I’m ginger and I’ve got ginger skin too. I can’t go in the sun or I’ll burn’ 🤣

I can’t believe you haven’t spoken to her parents yet. Stick up for your poor kid! All the other stuff is good and helpful suggestions, but she’s shouting in his face about his appearance and on top of that she’s four years older than him. She doesn’t sound remotely lovely. Seriously, feeling a bit awkward sometimes is part of being an adult, and not a reason not to let her parents know they’re raising a monster.

I work in primary school and never hear comments related to red hair. I remember it was a regular taunt when I was at school. We spend a lot of time recognising and celebrating differences. I would talk to the teacher so that they can double down on this.

I went to a very naice girls grammar school and I was bullied relentlessly about being a ginger. This was a long time ago but I remember a lot of them focused on the awfulness of having ginger pubes. A number of threads about ginger phobia shows that a lot of posters have come across the same types of comments. No one should have to put up with these kind of prurient intrusive comments.
Ginger baiting should not be regarded as an acceptable form of bullying usually carried out by those who realise they cannot get away with bullying other minority groups.

Speak to the school. This sort of thing would fall within the anti-bullying policy and I would expect the class teacher to run PSHE session about commenting on differences at the very least. If the class teacher isn’t prepared to act, go to the Head . It’s not acceptable and I’m pretty sure the vast majority of schools would be supportive . Certainly it wouldn’t be tolerated at my school.

ds is ginger and really seriously hated his hair all through primary school because of the teasing for being ginger.

He was the only ginger at school. In retrospect I would go into school and ask them to put a stop to it. And if they dismiss it, be persistant. They wouldn't tolerate someone shouting 'fatty, fatty' or any other physical insult.

It was really sad to see my ds hate his colouring. At secondary there were suddenly other ginger kids and there was no teasing (different town) and then as an older teen he discovered that girls liked it and he has come to terms with it.

@AnnaTortoiseshell they’re not raising a monster, she’s just being a bit of a dick, as most kids can be. There’s no malice. Trust me, if I thought she was being mean for means sake then I would have come down like a tonne of bricks, it’s more that she’s not and how to deal with it in a way that shows her these things aren’t right to be said, but also that I know she’s not being mean. I know the girl and we family, she’s just being a daft ten year old. She helps with his sports team, is kind in many other ways, it’s like she’s got this phrase in her head and thinks it’s OK to say?

Thank you all, I think you’re right that I need to speak with DS’s teacher. Just even it’s a vague gentle reminder that we’re not dicks to the gingers.

For what it’s worth DS refers to himself as Big Red cos he’s tall and ginger, he loves that his body is strong he plays rugby). He looooves talking about his feelings and his definitely hasn’t been negatively affected by this girl but, you are all right that I need to speak up before he is.

And for other red heads this girl will encounter. Your son sounds mentally robust and good for him.

Making mean comments towards people with ginger hair is awful....to me it's as bad as doing so to someone because of the colour of their skin.
Needs a no tolerance approach.

Next time she shouts red head, he should respond what do you want blondie or brownie?

I'm a mother of a red hair boy he's ginger and proud. He's giving them too much power so what if they said red hair he needs to answer I know what's your point. By reacting negatively to a factual comment it gives the person more ammoniation to continue to be mean. Ds never has any issues with the fact he has dark red hair.