Help-access to newborn by short term ex

[CannaeSayOwt]

My DSis had a baby just over a month ago and despite us warning her not to put her idiot ex on the birth cert she did, so he has PR. He had shown no interest in the baby until it was born and then insisted on being on the BC.

They weren’t together for long before she fell pregnant and he then walked away so she really doesn’t know him that well. He is now wanting DN 2-3 days a week and she’s refusing. What is realistic with a newborn? I can see both sides- DSis doesn’t really know the man she’s handing DN over to, but the father also wants to bond with his baby. DN is bottle fed. DSis is regretting putting her ex on the BC now but it’s too late. Any experience or advice would be appreciated.

I’d say she needs to get to no him as he’s not a ‘short term ex’, he’s the father of her baby. I wouldn’t allow overnights with a newborn personally, and if she’s breastfeeding that’s obviously not possible until breastfeeding is over (so it’s a reasonable argument to start with). I’d allow supervised contact and slowly go from there, making it clear it’s the best thing for the baby while it’s so small and they are still getting to no eachother as parents.

The bottom line is that this is the man she's chosen to have a child with and now she needs to deal with the fact that he's the man she chose to have a child with, even though she doesn't know him. This is going to mean he's in her and her child's life for decades to come.

As she's bottle fed there is less of an argument for refusing overnight visits, but it is important to build up to them so your niece gets familiar with her father rather than jumping in straight away, which is likely to distress the baby.

It's unlikely overnights would be forced at this very young age if if went to court, but much less likely going forwards.

I hope he is paying the correct maintenance in the meantime.

If the dad went to court then he'd get contact but not 2-3 overnights at baby's current age. He would probably get up to 50% once baby is older regardless of how much contact he has right now.

Getting added to a birth certificate is a matter of filling out a form and paying a fee (assuming that your sister wouldn't force him to do a dna test which would only delay things a bit)

Is she claiming child maintenance from him?

Could your sister start bf the baby again? Maybe only at night?

He isn't going to get overnights with a four week old baby. They need their primary carer. Obviously though he needs to be allowed to bond with his child and for a relationship to develop (unless he's abusive of course). So an hour or two every other day to bath, change, give a bottle, take for short walk in the pram would be usual at this stage. With her close by. Building up to able to take baby for longer periods, say five or six hours, without supervision by the time baby is a year old and comfortable with dad. Then build to overnight by the age of 2. She needs to suggest this in writing and stress this is a pattern which is child-centred and based on what is appropriate developmentally for the child.

It’s a newborn. Reasonable contact would be regular, short visits. No overnights.

It’s not just about infant feeding choices. A newborn needs a consistent, primary caregiver. And contact is supposed to be in the child’s best interests.

It is a you’ve made your bed situation for your sister though. This is the baby’s father and the baby is entitled to a relationship with him and his family.

That said, when the reality of putting the child’s needs first hits, he may be much less keen and his interest may drop off. She doesn’t really know him, so she’ll just have to find out.

Thanks everyone. She’s been really upset today as he threatened to take her to court to get 50/50 if she doesn’t give the 2-3 days now, so these comments are useful. I’ve sent her some of them to have a read over. Thanks again.

men love to threaten to go to court for 50-50. she should see a solicitor who can reassure her that he’s full of shit.

Oh dear, this sounds like a very distressing situation for your DSis. Could she suggest he visits DN in her home under her supervision, that way she can get to know him too? If he really wants to bond with DN, he might take the olive branch.

As PPs have said, he wouldn’t get 50/50. Even if he did, presumably he works FT, who is going to be looking after his 4 week old baby? Sigh.

She has made her bed and been very naive but she has learnt a hard lesson now. I think the big issue is that she doesn’t really know him well enough. She needs to get to know him now, that’s for sure. Hopefully he’ll accept one step at a time. They got into a big row this evening and he said he’ll just take the baby if she won’t agree. It’s all just a mess. She’s my little sister, albeit at 28, and it’s hard to see her so distressed. She’s made a huge mistake but DN is wonderful and hopefully everyone can get on the same page.

Surely three nights is pretty much 50/50 anyway so that's no really threat.

They got into a big row this evening and he said he’ll just take the baby if she won’t agree. It’s all just a mess.

This is (obviously) a massive red flag. Threatening to take the baby because of a row would have me seeing a solicitor, quickly.

She really needs to take some legal advice. His behaviour isn't normal or reasonable. There is no way on earth he'd get overnights at this early age. Let him take her to court, maybe he'll listen to the judge. However, threatening a post partum woman is a massive red flag.