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Original poster

Friend rushing to get pregnant after few months

25 replies

JJ7777777 · 12/11/2023 08:24

I have a friend who met a man in Tinder. After 4 months he cheated on her one night with a prostitute and he broke it off. He told her what he did a d then they got back together. Immediately she said she wants a baby by him. A month later they break up again and get back together again. This man has a drink problem and mental health issues and had been attending a suicide prevention charity just before they met as he had visited the cliffs with the intention of jumping. 9 months into the relationship he went to the cliffs again. My friend told him he urgently needs to see a psychiatrist and he has been referred by his GP. Now, just two weeks after the visit to the cliffs, she told him she wants to try for a baby in two weeks He told her they need to discuss that. She told him they don't need to discuss it.
What are people's opinions? Is she rushing into having a baby after meeting someone just 9 months ago? Should I stay out of it?

OP posts:
crazyivy · 12/11/2023 08:25

stay out of it

Hiddenvoice · 12/11/2023 08:27

If they were both happy and wanted it then no I wouldn’t say they are rushing. However, he doesn’t seem keen and she can’t force him to try for a baby, especially when his mental health is so poor.

I would gently remind her that it’s both of their opinion that matter and if he doesn’t want a child right now then she needs to stop. Then I would stay out of it and not say anymore to her about it.

DustyLee123 · 12/11/2023 08:27

I’d possible drop in the conversation that his MH problems could be genetic, then leave it alone and distance yourself

MintJulia · 12/11/2023 08:32

It's not something I would do but if she's in her 40s and wants a child, maybe she is preparing to raise a child alone.

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 12/11/2023 08:34

She is 35

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 12/11/2023 08:44

Stay out of it is what you should probably do. But I don’t think I could stop the words “have you lost your fucking mind?” from coming out…

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 12/11/2023 09:04

Yep it is a mess

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 12/11/2023 09:17

Give her your opinion, I'd say in an email.

Things I'd say ...

Mental health problems and addictive behaviour can be genetic. If she's really just looking for a sperm donor, bear in mind - this one's faulty.

Addictions can get very expensive, salary, family savings and pension getting pissed down the drain.

The only relationship they have is with their addiction. She and baby will always be at the bottom of his priorities.

Violence can be self harm - and include harm to others too. Addicts and mental health sufferers may not control violent tendencies.

He can't cope with life now so how will he cope with a screaming helpless baby- and what if she gets post natal depression? How will he cope with that plus the sleepless nights?

This relentless pressure from her can't be good for his mental health now. What's it going to be like through a pregnancy?

Does she honestly think he'll be inclined to or even able to step up and support her emotionally?

And how will she cope with a baby to care for when she gets the call that he's gone off a cliff?

I'm actually starting to feel sorry for him.

But more importantly for the baby she's considering bringing into contact with this agent of chaos.

Then there's the social services - will they even let her keep the baby in these circumstances?

After you've written it all out, send it - then stay out of it. You may well lose her as a friend as a result - which may be the best thing for you.

WandaWonder · 12/11/2023 09:26

I feel very sorry for the child

JFDIYOLO · 12/11/2023 09:28

I'd also include that mental health /addiction issues can also be the result of nurture - as in subjecting a baby to his behaviours creates a child / teenager / young adult who copies them.

RaininSummer · 12/11/2023 09:28

Your friend seems to have lost all rational thoughts processes.

volunteersruz · 12/11/2023 09:41

As a good friend I think I’d be telling her she’s absolutely lost the plot. Having been mentally unwell myself and seeing the genetic links within my family , I was very keen to marry someone with better mental health genetics!

TheSilverThorn · 12/11/2023 09:47

One of my friends panicked at about this age 25 years ago and had conceived a baby after just a few weeks. The guy had no actual issues she just didn’t love him, ensue an absolute shitshow of two decades with various problems and a young adult who now has very bad anxiety. If I did not love my friend so much I would have walked away. Some of her decisions have been completely mental.

I would actually say that as this man is so vulnerable that she is being abusive to try and coerce him in to conceiving a child. I know he slept with a prostitute so his name in theory should be mud but he is obviously in complete crisis.

Fantasia99 · 12/11/2023 10:43

If she were a good friend of mine I absolutely wouldn't stay out of it. I had a baby with an unstable abusive man. Bit different as I had no choice. However I was so abused and gaslit I didn't even know who I was anymore. If every person I told about his behaviour said 'mate you're being abused and need to leave' instead of telling me how I can fix him things may have beeb different. I do not hold this against my friends one bit, and I love my son, but it sounds like your friend needs you.She probably just doesn't know it yet. Be honest, be kind, but also be blunt if you need to be.

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 12/11/2023 10:47

Yep I can see it being a disaster for any child they might conceive, for her and for the man involved

OP posts:
NotAHoot · 12/11/2023 10:49

This will most likely be a total disaster, but I'd stay out of it.

Riverlee · 12/11/2023 10:50

If she brings it up in conversation, I may be tempted to ask whether she had thought it through, and the bigger picture. Is she happy that this man isn’t reliable. What (when) if he leaves her. Etc Although he seems to be more sensible than her, wanting to discuss it.

I guess the biological clock is ticking.

neilyoungismyhero · 12/11/2023 10:58

It sounds like a pregnancy may well tip him over the edge in his present state. People are telling you to keep out but she's your friend and I think I'd try and talk some sense into her and ask her why she's this desperate to have his child.

Saffrom · 12/11/2023 14:15

She’s an idiot, and I would try to talk sense into her, yes.

…Risk that becoming a father pushes him back over the cliffs. He doesn’t sound mentally well enough to cope with the responsibility.

…Risk that her child inherits whatever is causing his alcoholism/ mental health issues 👀😬

If she can afford to raise a child alone and is this desperate for one then ordinarily I’d say she should get a sperm donor so at least it’s a man who is healthy and has agreed to be a father. But her total lack of common sense makes me worry for the baby’s welfare.

CadillacCataract · 12/11/2023 14:16

Disaster written all over it.

But she’s an adult. Stay well out of it.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 12/11/2023 14:29

Sounds like something borne of too many bad romance novels where "the baby" appears and disappears scene-by-scene depending on whether they're a useful prop for that scene or not. And never actually needs anything. But "brings them closer". See also: dogs in romance novels.
Your friend is being spectacularly dense OP.

The worst thing she can do is have a baby with this man. If she puts this man on a birth cert, when everything inevitably falls apart, she will have to deal with his ridiculous rights over the child e.g. she will not be able to take the child abroad without his consent, she will have to take the child to contact, generally at his home, have to allow him unsupervised overnights etc. She is unlikely to get a penny in maintenance from this man.

If she does decide to be really exceptionally unbelievably stupid and stay with him, social services will be all over this situation as substance abuse and suicide attempts are a serious safeguarding issue, so she may not get to keep her child.
That's the reality of what she's blindly walking into.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 12/11/2023 14:31

I wouldn't be able to stay out of it when a child is going to grow up to have serious problems from being brought into this total shitshow.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 12/11/2023 14:36

If she was a close friend I'd say Have you lost the plot? and gently talk her through her decision
Otherwise I'd say nothing

Original poster
JJ7777777 · 21/11/2023 19:21

It seems most replies think I should say something to her before she makes a big mistake. It really is not a good circumstances for her to try to conceive a baby, especially after only meeting 9 months ago and the break ups, the cheating, and his poor mental health and visiting the cliffs just weeks ago.
It spells disaster for my friend and also for any child she might conceive.

OP posts:
Original poster
JJ7777777 · 21/11/2023 19:44

My friend has said to me she wants a baby so much that it hurts and the thought of a baby almost consumes her in a nightly basis.
It still has disaster written all over it so I am going to say it to her, obviously not so bluntly

OP posts:
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