What happened to my friends ?

[lisalisa]

Hi all - I am left feeling lonely and bewildered . i was divorced 6 years ago and remarried 1.5 yrs ago to a lovely man .
I have children at home who are mostly young adults so good company there too. However over the last few years I seem to have lost almost all of my friends . I have no idea why as I’m still the same and used to schedule time to call to see how they are , send flowers on birthdays , keep in regular touch but slowly realised it was only me and these friends never reciprocated contact .
Im in the sad position of not having any friends. I’m a lively sociable person and always care deeply about friends and make a lot of effort and this saddens me .
has anyone else got to the age of 55 and just lost all their friends ?

Just to say that these friends had been friends since my very early 20s so some 30 years or so and we used to call text and spk often and go to each others family celebrations etc but slowly I stopped being invited anywhere and it’s like anything else - the less you see someone the less you think to invite thrm . These are lovely people btw - not people who’d usually isolate someone but that’s just what I feel has happened here …….

Do you think it could have anything to do with your new DH?

I’m sorry OP that’s rubbish. Did it start with your divorce perhaps as sadly I think that is quite common once you’re not the easy to invite couple any more 😕

I think that you need to contact the friend who’s most like to be candid, and ask him or her.

Friendship running out of steam naturally as time passes is ok. It happens to us all. Not a big deal. But it seems here as if something is at play.

Thanks everyone . To answer your questions:

@PastorCarrBonarra - last summer I did ask one friend who used to live next door to me for 15 years with her family . She said that people just don’t see me anymore so don’t invite me . I told her it’s like a vicious circle - the more they don’t see the more they don’t invite. I mentioned a few things I’d been left out of then , one of which was her sisters party and she just mentioned it was a numbers game but quite clearly it wasn’t as just about everyone else was invited .

another friend dh and I traveled to LA for her sons wedding ( this is terribly outing if anyone knowing me we’re to read this ) in the summer - we were one of only a few couples to do so and went to support them. Since then no contact . I can’t believe it really . This friend for the past year used to constantly “ who are you seeing , who have you been in touch with” in a really concerned way showing she was worried and concerned at me being left out and not seeing friends but that made me feel humiliated so I used to just mumble that I’d seen people or been to places etc .
@minipie yes it did start with that . The divorce . At the time many people were conflicted and felt the need to invite either me or ex dh to places. The divorce was very bitter at first but now 6 years later ex dh and I are friends and truly there’s no bad feeling . He even gets on well with my new dh . So people know there’s no difficulty there to invite us all. But yes it hurt awfully when ex dh was invited for dinner with the kids and never me . Even though I’d been very very good friends with these people for 30 years they seemed to drift away .
@sipsqueak / not really . Objectively new dh is decent , kind and hard working and people like him

Anyone else have any thoughts ?

I am sorry, I am 66 and widowed and the few friends I made when we relocated to the NE disappeared when my husband died in 2016. I think lockdown has also made a lot of people very insular and more selfish. I am still in contact with one friend from West Ealing, and another from Amersham. I make a big effort to contact each of them a few times a month, whether What'sApp or an email. I've known both of them for around 45/50 years. I don't have anyone here I could call if I was in trouble. My son lives an hour and a half away, my daughter is in NI.

We were friends with a couple in Norfolk, who couldn't come to the funeral, and I occasionally 'message' them on Facebook. I've just messaged today as I saw a programme about Holkham, which was near their old house - for the third time I can see they've read the message and not bothered to reply. I'll leave it now, it makes me feel rather foolish.

I do think people get very busy and are too exhausted sometimes - or broke - to socialise.

I am very glad you have a new DH and young adults at home. Focus on them fully and plan lots of things you can do together, to 'make memories'.

Or to make new friends for you, perhaps find a hobby you have time for and can enjoy, you will already have something in common with the people there?

Hi OP, no direct experience but when my brother and his wife divorced it broke up their friendship network - friends were conflicted about who to invite,, some sided with her and some with him. Both of them lost several friends. I'd bet that's behind a lot of it. Not easy for you I understand.

I am watching this happen right now with a newish friend. Her partner left her last year, total shocker, he cheated, and slowly but surely she is being erased from a long standing friendship group of all-couples. It’s like they don’t trust a single woman around their husbands or something. All mid 40’s, ladies who lunch kind of scenario. I feel so sorry for her and it’s slowly dawning on her what’s happening in real time. If you look back, could the break up of your first marriage been the start of a slow-fade? X

To add, her ex partner moved away to be with OW, so the friendship group didn't even gave to choose between who to invite!

When was the last time you invited them?

62 here and fed up with giving. Have around 3 close friends (lots of acquaintances) sick to the back teeth being let down, so I've accepted this is how it is. Friends don't contact me, I don't contact them. I've had messages left on read and never responded to, I'm
done there, if nothing else, it's just plain rude.

People are funny when a couple separates ( and I agree with PP about married women see single women as a threat!) rather juvenile to be honest, but heyho...I'd not want another woman's husband for all the bloody tea in China..

i find that a lot of friendships are circumstantial. Work friends, neighbours, mum friends of the kids. Even old school friends. When you move on they disappear. I’m a similar age to you and after moving had to make a new group of friends. It’s not easy at our age. But slowly through things like book club, yoga, U3A, walking groups etc I’ve built up a new circle of friends.

Op I could have written your post except my husband is still around! My issues have come, I believe, from giving up drinking and moving 40 miles away it has meant that my few friends in the previous town must feel I'm too far away to make the effort with - out of sight and out of mind - despite me making great efforts to go back and see them etc and the new people in the new town find my not drinking wine odd! Also work from home so don't hang out with anyone from work. I've realised that the ones who have drifted were situational friends and it's going to be hard to make friends while working a lot from home and i have accepted my lot.
Do you seem / feel much happier these days? Your friends may be finding your new direction in life threatening. But I would say if they were real friends it wouldn't affect the friendship they would just be happy for you!
My conclusion after my past few years is that very good friends are few and far between. We are lucky to meet a few in our lifetime. Also that we find out who are real friends are when we are going through a bad time.

I think also as we get older we are not bothered about the more intense friendships that we experience when younger. I cba with all the drama of other people’s lives and prefer to keep friends at a distance without getting too involved.

Thank you all . I didn’t want to read and not reply to say thank you . It’s rather late so I’m going to bed but will read all the kind replies in the morning , digest properly and reply . Good night all x

It appears to be all one-sided and it has dawned on the OP that she is making all the running when it comes to keeping in touch, but people just don't respond.

I feel for you. I’ve found that in last couple of years, people are less reliable and a few sometimes don’t reply to messages -which I have never found before.
People seem to have become more selfish in the last couple of years I think.

I moved away (literally half hour drive) about 13 years ago, and people rarely visit. My good good friend lives around the corner however, she's married and I'm single so I don't put too much pressure, but she's a kind sweet lovely person, I love her dearly.

I appear very sociable, by that I mean I come across life and soul, and in that moment I am, I give my all wherever I go however, I'm not a great host (cba) I'd rather be out and leave than be at home and say "I've had enough can you go please" which I'd never ever do of course, so I've found that I can probably only tolerate certain amounts of socialising.

I joined some groups in 2018, did them to death till Covid, made a few friends (mostly acquaintances) from them, but also found them cliquey, not into cliques. I don't go to them anymore. I still work, look after my grandson one day a week, and can find plenty to amuse myself the rest of the time.

I have checked out of making friends now, happy to keep it superficial, and more importantly I don't give a monkeys what people think of me! I never thought I'd ever get to that point in life..thank you life!

I’ve read all the posts - thank you for your valued input . I guess I have just have to accept them a zero friends situation and acknowledge that whatever seemed like 30 years of genuine friendships weren’t anything more than situational or circumstancial friendships incredible as that seems .
I am a sociable person though and really miss girlie lunches and invites out

I'm 55 and I have more friends now than I did 10 years ago. I don't even dwell on who contacted who first though. Sometimes it's me that keeps up contact then sometimes it's more them. I don't try to have couple friends though. Well we have one or two like that but my friends are mostly mine. It keeps it simpler.

@decionsdecisions62 are these new friends or from years ago ?
how did you make the friends ?
did you not feel during the times that you kept up the friendship and called them all the time a bit despondent with the friendship ?

Some are new parents of my teen daughters friend. Neighbours - when we got together to support each other on what's app. Some are older.

You can waste emotion getting bogged down in 'I'm not contacting her cos I did it last time' I find sometimes I'm feeling stronger so will contact a girlfriend, sometimes she's stronger so will contact me. It ebbs and flows. I have definitely kept some friendships afloat but then sometimes they have.

Throw an open house pre Christmas get together for neighbours. You will make friends just persevere.