My neighbour thinks we vandalised his property

[Linking]

About 18 months ago DH and I bought an apartment in a small complex. We're homebodies, work from home mostly in professional jobs and never have parties or make much noise. Next door to us is a man in his 70s who seemed a bit eccentric but friendly enough and willing to say hello and have a chat. He is white and we are not (this is relevant).

Several months ago, his front door was vandalised with red graffiti. When it happened, I stopped and had a brief chat with him to see if he was okay and had a look at the graffiti before it was cleaned off. It didn't look like anything but scribbles to me and he asked if I'd seen anyone hanging around, which I hadn't. The next morning our doorbell rang at 6 in the morning and it was our neighbour, asking again if we knew anything about the graffiti, this time saying he thought we would know something about it because it looked like something in 'our language'. (Mind you, DH and I are not even of the same ethnicity.) I was a bit annoyed at being woken up so early and the inference that we should know something about it because the graffiti looked like something he'd associate with us just because we're not white, but let it go because I figured he was just distressed.

Since then, he's treated like us we don't exist. He's always walking around the complex and the neighbourhood but if we see him, he will ignore us if we say hello, won't even look at us if we pass him and even pointedly cross the street if he sees us coming. We see him talking to other people in the complex so it's just us he's treating like this, and I can only presume it's because he thinks we vandalised his property. The idea of it is ludicrous but also upsetting, and we have no idea what he's said to the other residents or even the police in his report. I've thought about directly asking him if he thinks we vandalised his property but I don't know if that'll just make things worse, and now it's just unpleasant and awkward to be completely blanked by someone living right next door to us when we've been nothing but polite and friendly.

Do we just continue on as we are and ignore him like he's ignoring us, or should we try and talk to him about it?

You did he was eccentric. He has nothing better to do.

Focus on building relationships with your other neighbours - they’ll know what he’s like and won’t be judging you. He’s probably upset someone else or it’s just kids being arseholes.

I don't think you'll gain anything by talking with him about it. He evidently doesn't want to be friendly with you for whatever reason,94 he truly believes you did the damage. I don't think you'll be able to change his mind.

If I were you, I'd just get on with my life and maybe occasionally say hello if you see him (don't expect a response). But don't feel you 'should' acknowledge him.

You can't get on with everyone. Not everyone will like you. And there doesn't have to be a reasonable reason why you don't get on with a person.

He's not harming you. You're not harming him. I'd simply get on with living your life.

Obviously, if he's bad mouthing about you or accusing you directly, then you'll need to reasonably address it. But if the he's named you in his police report then they're obviously not taking it seriously else they'd have been round to question you by now.

I know it's not nice to have unpleasantness between neighbours. But it's very far from unusual and it's easy to not let it interfere with your life.

I would hate this too op, but truthfully I'm not sure what you'd get from talking to him. At best you'll call him out nicely and he'll admit he thinks it's you, you'll tell him it wasn't but there will be no way to prove otherwise. At worst he'll get confrontational and aggressive. I'm not sure you're in a situation where you can win here.

What you could do, if you feel addressing something with him is important to you and if to feel sure it would be safe to do so, ask if he got any follow up from the police and I'd say you've heard of people spray painting doors of people they want to burgle later on so you worried if this was happening in your building. And see if that maybe opens up his thought process that it really could have been anyone off the street.

Ultimately, you owe him nothing. It's horrible being thought of in that way but he's doing that because he's racist and truthfully that in itself would be enough for me not to bother with him. Never take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from. And he doesn't sound like someone who'd give good advice. Could you try to make an effort to get to know other neighbours? Let them get to know you for you and it might give you an ear as to what is happening in the building?

It's not like we're being harmed by him (I'm starting to just ignore him too and not bother with a hello) but it's certainly not a pleasant thought that someone we live next door to thinks that we did that, and I'm also bothered by the racist implications here. We also see him just about every day since he's retired and I WFH. But I don't know that there's too much we can do really.

I would talk to him because I would wonder if it was me being targeted, but the idiots got the wrong door and graffitied a vulnerable old mans door instead. I would be worried that he felt fearful in his own home.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 I was worried about him feeling vulnerable, which was why I talked to him on the day it happened and tried to check if he was okay, but it's a bit hard to maintain sympathy for someone who treats you like a pariah for no reason other than some mistaken racist stereotypes.

@Linking You are assuming he’s racist. He might be frightened of being targeted because he lives next to you and has spoken to you. That is self preservation. An elderly man isn’t going to be able to defend himself against idiots who graffitied his door (potentially mistakenly.) He might be fearful they are going to come back and do even worse vandalism. He might be ignoring you because he’s frightened that someone will come back and target him due to his being seen to be friendly with you - so self preservation means he ends up ignoring you.
That’s why I would speak to him, because at the moment it’s assumptions that he is racist, rather than he’s fearful of further attacks on his property/himself by way of association. Until you speak to him you don’t know which it is. Yes, you’ve spoke to him on the day it happened - but he’s now had time to process it and think about it and possibly grow fearful having made erroneous assumptions. Chances are it was just stupid kids with a can of spray paint and not targeted in anyway shape of fashion - but imagination/time can make us think/believe all versions of what might be the truth.
Yes it might be simple stupid racism, but it might just be irrational but understandable fear.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 Sorry, I'm not understanding why the graffiti has any association with us at all - I saw it and it didn't look like anything in any language that I could recognise, just a bunch of scribbles. Due to the position of his apartment it's also almost impossible for it to have been anything but targeted (his apartment is at the very back of the complex and is very difficult to access). I understand he may have been frightened but I don't see why the onus is on me to correct his assumptions? I've tried to say hello many times after the incident as well but he just pretends I'm not there, while happily chitchatting away to the other residents.

It's an eccentric old guy who has jumped to the wrong conclusion. I would just leave it be, unless he brings it up again, and get on with your lives. If he had reported it to the police and said it was you you would have had a visit from them by now - so I wouldn't worry about it - and if they did call, you are innocent, so there should not be an issue there either.

Also he is in his 70s, but I didn't say he was in poor health - he's very active and capable.

Everyone can seem active and capable until attacked. Does not mean they don’t feel vulnerable. I speak from bitter experience.

So your front doors are not adjacent? I was mistaken in thinking they were close together in a row/corridor or like terraced houses. Presumably no one was caught in camera or any police report made as you would have heard something by now.

Just keep on being polite - nothing like having the upper hand in being civil.

How hurtful OP, he has "othered" you. Don't waste your time on him.

He’s not just eccentric, he’s a racist.

OP, ignore the fucker. Don’t even make eye contact with him.