Help me deal with this please.

[creditdraper]

Where do I start? Very long story but needs to be cut as short as possible. I’ll try.
My DP and me have been together nearly 25 years. DP has a circle of mates that have been on the go since they were teens brought together by their common interest in cars. DP’s best friend is in this group and has been with his DP (let’s call her Sal) slightly longer than we have. Right from the beginning, it has been abundantly clear to me by Sal’s body language and behaviour that she wanted to have some hold over my DP. The three of them used to do things together a lot before I came in the go and I’ve always felt resented by her. She has said some horrible things to me over the years (mostly in private) and has attempted to undermine my relationship with DP. Her DP thinks the sun shines out of her backside, thinks she gets on with everyone and basically can do no wrong. Sal’s DP has some strange ideas bordering on the insane and seems very gullible and trusting of anything he reads online which can make things difficult in conversation as “he is always right”, thinks “he knows what is best for you” and is very stubborn. My DP handles this by pussyfooting around him and Sal to keep them happy but then will complain about them to me. This doesn’t go down well with me because I really detest having to meet up with them so it causes arguments and drives us apart. During lockdown I was made aware of how less stressed I was because I didn’t have them in my life. Now things are back to normal their behaviour is worse than ever and I’m almost at the point of walking out of my relationship. However I adore DP and we get on fantastically well when they are not on the scene. My DP refuses to curtail our get togethers with them. I’m not saying to stop being friends with them just see them less often. Even his other friends from the circle all tiptoe around the friend and talk about how awkward meeting up with him and his DP is.
It’s unbelievable!
How do I handle meet ups so that they are not allowed to undermine/disrespect us but don’t come over as the person trying to make trouble? 🤷‍♀️

just ignore the provoaction and be polite, just go every other meet up, not all the time

When she said horrible things to you, did you tell your husband about it?

What did she say?

They both sound really awful. I wonder whether she'd slept with your husband before you came along; she seems very proprietorial.

I’d tell him I was having no part in this shit, I’d have done it years ago though. If he wants to go and tiptoe around them, he can, but there’s absolutely no way I’d be going along with it. People pleasing isn’t obligatory!

I just wouldn't bother meeting up with them. Perhaps if your DP had to experience them without you there to buffer, his security blanket and confident when moaning about them he will tire of them more quickly?

Don’t go. Make plans to do something else, perhaps something he would want to do, he may just come with you instead

I wouldn't go to these meet ups anymore.
Tell your partner and tell him why.

Life really is too short and shit like this is not worth tolerating.

Thanks for your replies and sympathy all. My question is still this though.
How do I handle meet ups so that they are not allowed to undermine/disrespect us but don’t come over as the person trying to make trouble? 🤷‍♀️

You do not have to meet up with these people if you don't want to...and if you feel you have to you really don't have to agree with them or put up with their behaviour...wish you the best but pull your big girl pants up and tell everybody to do one!..politely of course😉

I really would get DH to go to at least some of these meet ups on his own. If you don't want to do so, would it help to invite some of the rest of the group, so that it isn't just the four of you? And at least explain to DH, in detail, why you feel as you do.

You can’t change them. And whatever you say you can’t detoxify their shit. It’s like you’re asking “How can I force red to be green whenever I see them?” You can’t.

Just don’t go. Stop being a doormat. Surely it’s better to put your foot down and be unwell or busy the first few times there’s an arrangement until it’s an unquestioned thing you don’t attend, if the alternative is splitting up with your partner?