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Second child dilemma

3 replies

FloraSpoke · 08/11/2023 22:46

I would like a second child, DH wouldn’t. Back story: I’m 42, DH 48. It took us 6 years and an emotional and physical rollercoaster to have our DS, 2. We had the double whammy of struggling to conceive and having miscarriages. Then a disastrous round of IVF on the NHS that left me with sepsis. Then, finally private IVF at a cost of £££ that left us with a number of frozen embryos, one of which became DS. Textbook pregnancy but 6 days after DS was born by C section I had a serious PPH, was blue lighted to hospital in the middle of the night and lost an estimated 2.5l of blood. Am lucky to be here. DH struggled mentally in the first few months after DS born (I think he probably had PND, but health visitor wasn’t interested). Much healthier and happier now our boy has become a little person with personality of his own. But adamant he doesn’t want another.

After all of that, I can’t blame DH for not wanting another, can I? But I feel sad to deprive DS of the chance of a good sibling relationship (obviously there are no guarantees!). Maybe just hormones speaking. I’m generally fit and healthy and, as we would be using a frozen embryo, I’m comfortable with the level of genetic risk.

OP posts:
ghostbusters · 08/11/2023 23:39

Oh that's a tough situation. My waters went early with DC#2 which lead to infection in my uterus, sepsis, an emergency section under GA and a poorly premature baby (who is totally fine). It was touch and go if I would make it out of theatre. It really affected DH though he doesn't like to talk about it and it was almost a decade ago. We both decided we were done after #2 but I totally see why you have a dilemma!

Is he a flat out no? Is there any merit in exploring trying one embryo then stopping if it isn't successful? I guess you don't want to talk him into trying for a child he doesn't really want and might resent. At the same time your feelings are totally valid, you're allowed to feel sad.

I don't have much advice, just plenty of sympathy.

SweetBirdsong · 08/11/2023 23:42

Given everything you have said here, and your age (and your husband's age,) it's a hard no from me. Too much risk to you and your health, and you do still have one child to care for and love. I am sorry that you took so long to have just one child, but at least you do have that one. I think you having one child was meant to be. All the best. Flowers

FloraSpoke · 09/11/2023 21:43

Thanks both. I think you’re probably right SweetBirdsong- it’s just that finally accepting that is hard.

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