Are my bedtime expectations too high?

[BedtimeIssues]

I have two DDs, 5 and 2. They both need us to lie with them until they fall asleep. It makes bedtime so long and now they are getting older I am getting so bored of it.

I am from another country and where I am from kids are very independent so my family thinks our whole routine is a bit weird. My nephews and nieces just fall asleep by themselves as soon as their parent leaves the room. Once a bit older they even just take themselves upstairs, brush their teeth and go to bed no bother. I feel so envious! My DC seem so needy in comparison.

DD5 used to be able to self settle until DD2 was born. DD2 always needed us to hold her hand, DD5 picked up on it and now always wants us to lie with her too.

I didnt think it was a big deal but now Im a bit bored of it. I also dont want it to become a sleep crutch. Would it make me a bad mum to try to wean them off it? I used to enjoy that time with them but life is busy, DH and I have zero help and that extra time sometimes drives me insane.

Especially as they always want the same if they wake at night, although that is rare thankfully.

Does everyone else lie with their kids until they are asleep or is it just us? Do they naturally grow out of it?

I would take them to a shop and let them each choose a cuddly toy and explain that in future they will sleep with them, on their own. Put them to bed and tell them they must stay there and cannot get up or leave the room. Have them is separate rooms. Maybe try leaving a story on Audible? Engaging in bed time routine with them is fine but they really need to go to bed on their own. Frankly, I can’t imagine being in your situation.

No it’s not the norm especially for 5 year old .. look up moving chair ..

some people do it but whilst you carry on doing it nothing will change

OK that's giving the nudge to stop it! DD5 can definitely fall asleep on her own, she does if only one parent is around, I'll say I'll come once DD2 is settled and she'll be asleep by the time I come back. So hopefully it's just a habit she can easily get out of.

DD2 I managed to wean off holding our hand this week, I just lie on the bed next to her and she falls asleep. Hopefully thats progress. At naptime she falls asleep on her own after 5-10 minutes of crying which I think isn't so bad but DH does.

DH is probably going to be the hardest ones to get on board with this routine and the one who was making me feel I had unrealistic expectations/was being selfish for not wanting to do this!

Definitely do that. PP idea about the cuddly toy is a good idea It’s much better they learn you are in the house and available but not in the room.

Ha. Funny you should mention this. We literally did this whole cuddly toy thing last week with my 2.5 y.o. didn't work in the slightest. He got up immediately every time we closed the door. This happened for over an hour.

It reminded me of Super Nanny's 'Stay in bed' technique with the kid coming out a million times sped up. Of course when I first watched it (a decade or pre-kids), I was asking how on earth the parents got themselves into this mess... just put them in bed and there they stay!! 😂

I'm heavily pregnant with no 2, so didn't have the stamina to continue for more than a few nights. Even then, we gave up after an hour. Perhaps that's we should have stuck it out. 🤔

CIO has never sat well with me, so we don't leave him cry. But everyone I know who's 'sleep trained' doesn't seem to have this issue. Never found any technique I feel confortable with though.

If you find a solution OP, please let me know. We're in the same situation. I'm also bored out of my brain with it and no idea how I'll manage it when we have a newborn AND my husband is travelling for work!

It also slices into your adult evening time too- which I think is so so important for the relationship... especially with young kids!

As I said, update the thread if you find a solution!!

Hi @Bluedabadeeba I feel your pain!

The last 2 nights I've actually left them both to self settle. Eldest was no issue, the youngest did protest but luckily is still in a cot bed that she can't get out of which helped massively.

The first night we had a huge tantrum, she was VERY mad and I felt very bad, but she was asleep within about 15 minutes (earlier than usual in the end!). I went back twice in that time just to show her I wasn't far, kept it breezy and said I loved her.

I expected her to wake up still mad at me but not at all! She slept brilliantly and woke up in a brilliant mood.

Tonight she also protested but for less than 10 minutes and I didnt have to go back in (as she wasnt distressed, just a bit shouty!), so the plan is to stick with it.

I still feel guilty about it and I'm sort of missing it now, so you just can't win in the end! I just hope it becomes so normal soon we won't think about it.

I hope you find something that works but otherwise I wouldn't worry too much. They will both adapt when there is no choice and there's only one of you when your DH is away. Good luck!