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Original poster

If you've lost someone you loved...

21 replies

natura · 06/11/2023 16:58

What's a question you wish you had asked them, or that you wish you could ask them now?

Some recent events in my life have got me thinking about 'unfinished business' and conversations I never got to have with someone I loved before they passed away.

I'm working through it by writing some letters to them – and I'm noticing that (despite being well-known among my circles for being an asker of questions) I have far less I wish I had TOLD them, and far more I wish I had ASKED them.

I wonder if that's true for others, too – and what your questions to your loved ones would be, if you had the chance to ask now?

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 06/11/2023 17:23

I don't really have anything I wish I'd asked them.

I miss various people (parents, sibling, etc) terribly, and have often wished I could have phoned them or popped round to tell them things.

I think, potentially family history stuff - which you tend to develop more of an interest in as you get older, and as you realise you don't have many people you are related to, that are older than you - but I'm fortunate enough in that sisters of both my parents were quite in to researching a bit of family history, and also both had good memories for their childhood things, so I could ask them.

Maddy70 · 06/11/2023 17:27

How my great grandparents managed to have so much money when they were just miners ...where did it come from ?

StBrides · 06/11/2023 17:45

Probably more about their family members who I didn't know.

Really I just want to be tell them I love them one more time.

NoraLuka · 06/11/2023 17:52

My grandma had loads of stories about relatives going back to the 19th century and I wish I’d written them all down because I don’t remember a quarter of it and there’s nobody left to ask now.

whyyy321 · 06/11/2023 17:54

I wish I'd asked my mum more about my babyhood. Since having my own (she died a year or so before that) I've been desperate to ask her so many things about what I was like as a baby, and how she felt when she became a mother.

CarrieMoonbeams · 06/11/2023 18:02

Who he really was, because he took someone else's name and DOB. Also why he did that - did he have a criminal past? Or was he a bigamist? Or was he ashamed of his background?

Like a pp said, there's no one left to ask now.

MissyB1 · 06/11/2023 18:04

I would ask my brother about his relationship with our mum and dad, what did he feel about his childhood and how did that affect his adult life decisions.

Goldenboysmum · 06/11/2023 18:19

I would ask my son, why?

what was so bad that he felt that was his only option.

Was it something I did, didn't do, could I have stopped him

So many unanswered questions..

Jellybean85 · 06/11/2023 18:29

Goldenboysmum · 06/11/2023 18:19

I would ask my son, why?

what was so bad that he felt that was his only option.

Was it something I did, didn't do, could I have stopped him

So many unanswered questions..

This one got me somewhere deep inside. As someone who came very very close to making the decision your son did I would like to tell you No, no there is not. It's so deep and internal that you do not hear what others say and cannot process it.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Goldenboysmum · 06/11/2023 18:40

Thank you ❤ you're probably right, but it haunts me that I could've done something to stop him

APurpleSquirrel · 06/11/2023 18:50

Same as @whyyy321 - my mum died 2 years before I became a mother & id love to talk to her about it; what were my brother & I like as young children, how she navigated motherhood & brought us up so well. I envy friends who still have that ability.
Just ask her advice & comfort that it'll all be ok eventually.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 06/11/2023 18:56

I'm not sure there's anything I would say but I'd definitely change the circumstances.
My DM passed away last year, I moved in with her to look after her, we became the closest we'd ever been in 6 months from diagnosis of stage 4 cancer and her passing.
Said everything we needed to say.
The night she passed, I actually had flown out on my DDs hen party, I didn't want to leave DM, she insisted, I was torn between my DM and my DD.
Dsis was going to check on DM the next morning.
Landed to find out she'd passed in the night and I flew straight back home.
Even though I did everything I could for her in her final months, I'm eaten alive with guilt, I'm absolutely haunted by the memory of walking out the door that night, I hate myself for it to the point that I find myself saying it out loud "I hate myself"
I'd do anything to turn back the clock

whyyy321 · 06/11/2023 20:48

@APurpleSquirrel what I wouldn't have given to have her tell me I'd be ok and give me a cuddle, when I was in the trenches of newborn days. Or now even. It's like a whole new grief.

Consideringachange2023 · 06/11/2023 20:52

Anything and everything really. I wished I’d asked enough to know who they really were. Deep down, as a person, not just as a family member.
id like to just have connected better, it was my fault we didn’t. I’m a closed book and it prevents me from not only talking but asking too

Ratfinkstinkypink · 06/11/2023 20:53

There's lots I'd like to tell DH, the only question I want to ask him is "Did I fail you?" We didn't really talk about what he wanted for his death then the stroke happened and robbed him of his voice (and some of his cognition), it haunts me that I got his death wrong.

WellThisIsFun1 · 06/11/2023 20:58

I wish I'd asked my mum whether she knew she had a half sibling.

I only found out from a cousin after mum had been given an Alzheimer's diagnosis, didn't have a clue up until then

fridaynight1 · 06/11/2023 20:59

I wish I’d started my family tree years ago. There is so much I have found out about my mum and dads families. Neither of them knew much and what they did know has turned out to be totally wrong.

I wish I could tell them.

My mum would have been thrilled and I have uncovered such an amazing story on my dad’s side.

Londongoer · 06/11/2023 21:03

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride I'm so sorry for your loss and the extra suffering your feelings of guilt has caused. My DH used to work in a care home and he has told me most people wait until they're alone to pass away. He thinks it's because they feel like they can fully relax and let go when alone and it's their time instead of trying to cling on in pain for the sake of their loved ones. He considered it a mercy to give them the time and space to do this. It sounds like you did a huge amount for your mum and I'm sure she appreciated it and loved you very much.

UsingChangeofName · 06/11/2023 21:52

I've heard that before @Londongoer . I think there may well be a lot in it.

Undethetree · 06/11/2023 22:57

@Londongoer I was about to post the same thing.

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride
I have heard this too and know 2 people who passed this way. Also another who held on against all odds until his son made it back from abroad to say goodbye. Then passed away hours later. I do believe that sometimes people pass when they feel the time is right for them to leave.

Cincinnatus · 06/11/2023 22:57

I wish I had asked more about our family history.

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