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Christmas dinner at home or somewhere else?

11 replies

RainbowColourcake · 06/11/2023 16:43

. things too that happened.
She was easily angered, her comprehension was waning, there's no reasoning with her, she was becoming obsessed and paranoid. I live at home with her. I remember once I bought some DVDs and a few weeks later I discovered they were gone. I wasn't made at her but I asked her where they were. She took them and hid them in case they got wet. I can only presume she was referring to the bottles of wine that were nearby as if they were going to spontaneously leak and ruin the DVDs. Another day came home and she had the the TV's wrapped up in towels to keep them cool from the sun coming in through the windows.

I don't have a diagnosis for her. Everyday is different. Sometimes she's ok. Then other times she's not quite right. Lately she's utterly obsessed with cleaning.

I am on my own with this. Her GP is looking for a memory loss before they consider a referral.
Even though what I read online, there's a forum of dementia that presents with behavioural issues and not so much memory loss.

Lately there's more anger and rages from her. She took mail from me a few months ago and said she's minding it in the spare room. I was so busy, I meant to get it but I never had the chance. I asked for it recently because it's a legal document and all she did was rage at me about it. I reckon the anger was her forgetting about it and trying to cover it up. Her reaction was abuse to me and it wasn't appropriate.

All my siblings live abroad. They have no idea what I am seeing at home. They say she seems fine on the phone when they phone her.

One sibling is coming home for Christmas. I think I would love to be at home with him but I am thinking should I go elsewhere and make myself scarce. She doesn't cook much any more but I know here, out of habit or nostalgic reasons she will likely cook a meal just for him. I suspect she might take any frustrations out on me. I would like to disappear for the day so that I am not available at home and I am not a familiar face for her. I would like my brother see if he sees anything amiss with her. If I am there I am only going to be a target for her abuse if she feels like it. If though I am not a lazy person and I would likely be helping her. If she becomes frustrated, it's going to result in anger from her to me. If I leave and if she struggles, he will likely see it. I would like him to spend as much time as possible at home with her to see if he can see what I am observing with her. There is definitely a decline in her mind.

Does that make sense?

OP posts:
aswarmofmidges · 06/11/2023 16:48

Not totally no

You live with your mother ?
Her behaviour is becoming odd?
You have a drink problem ?
Your brother is coming home for Christmas

You can't decide if you should go away and give yourself a break while he is there ?

Sounds like a plan

Which might give you space to get your head turned around

RainbowColourcake · 06/11/2023 16:51

Also her GP found high cholestrol a few years ago. She refused meds and got me to research a cholestrol diet online for her because she wanted to lower it naturally through her diet. Only when I researched steps she could take, she made excuses on so much of it. I recommended more oats for her - she complained about that. I recommended low fat milk or alternative mile like oat milk, she complained about that. She hardly eats any fruit and there's no vegetables in her diet from one end of the week to the next. Even if I cook, she will complain about it all. She will not manage high cholestrol and I do t know of that will have anything to do with her current state.

She is so odd so many times.

I was sick over the weekend but with nothing contagious. Not once did she ask me how I was. Yesterday on Sunday, there was no conversation from her. She was just obsessively cleaning the kitchen again.

OP posts:
Isseywith3witchycats · 06/11/2023 16:51

if this is your mom your talking about it sounds like classic early symptoms of dementia and yes if i was you i would leave your brother with your mom on his own for a while so he can see what is going on with her and not a false face because you and he are there , my MIL at one point thought i was the dog walker she didnt have a dog and the time we picked her up from OHs brothers in Preston and took her home to Essex she wanted to know why the bus took so long we were in the car its a very sad condition all the best x

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RainbowColourcake · 06/11/2023 16:52

I don't have a drink problem, where did you get that from?

OP posts:
aswarmofmidges · 06/11/2023 16:55

The wine bottles and the confused flow

RainbowColourcake · 06/11/2023 17:02

Isseywith3witchycats · 06/11/2023 16:51

if this is your mom your talking about it sounds like classic early symptoms of dementia and yes if i was you i would leave your brother with your mom on his own for a while so he can see what is going on with her and not a false face because you and he are there , my MIL at one point thought i was the dog walker she didnt have a dog and the time we picked her up from OHs brothers in Preston and took her home to Essex she wanted to know why the bus took so long we were in the car its a very sad condition all the best x

I am definitely noticing some odd things from her and around the home from her. I can't quite put my finger on it. There's an issue with the sequencing of chores. She flips and hops from one to the other chore in the blink of an eye but sometimes she is utterly dazed and looks confused and empty. I just can't quite put my finger on it.

I would like my brother to spend as much time as possible with our mother and without me being a familiar face. Also for Christmas Day, I don't want to be there. I would love to be at home and help but that could be the day where he can see more in our mother. She will likely try her best to provide a Christmas meal but I suspect she might struggle with it, maybe. Cooking isn't on her day to day habit list. It's in her her day to day routine so I think maybe she might struggle, maybe. I certainly don't want her to struggle and I would love to dive in and help but I'd she she struggles she will become frustrated and angry and fight with me and my brother won't know what to think of it. I would like to remove myself and let him see it.

OP posts:
RainbowColourcake · 06/11/2023 17:04

aswarmofmidges · 06/11/2023 16:55

The wine bottles and the confused flow

Oh that makes sense now.

It wasn only a few bottles of wine on the table but I wasn't drinking them as such. There were only there for a drink once in a while. I do t have a drink problem. I like a glass once in a while. I can't go months without too if I wanted.

OP posts:
RainbowColourcake · 06/11/2023 17:05

I never spilled any drinks around the home either. My mother took DVDs away incase they got wet as if the wine was going to leak. It made no sense.

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 06/11/2023 17:08

Might I suggest moving out?

RainbowColourcake · 06/11/2023 17:24

AlisonDonut · 06/11/2023 17:08

Might I suggest moving out?

My mother is definitely needing assistance in some things. Not directly in relation to her care and every day living. There is definitely some issues. She has been neglecting a plbing leak for months. At first I respected her wishes and never got a plumber but it's only getting worse now. I need to take action and get this dealt with. If it's not me helping her it will only be a case for social services. She's not able to understand the leak and the implications of ignoring it.

OP posts:
aswarmofmidges · 06/11/2023 17:46

Thing is , this is only going to get worse and it isn't something one person can handle on their own - especially a daughter rather than an authority figure

If you can't / won't move away from home and let her deteriorate until someone else does give her professional help
Then
You sort of need to become the boss - so that sorting out that leak is something you do

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