This morning I had a cry and then I realised...

[SpainishOrange]

... that its not me being inadequate, its that what I am doing is fucking impossible and it is, quite frankly, amazing I have managed it for this long.

Context - I work in a high pressured job with a 48 hour working week. I also have ~15 hrs commuting a week (driving, so no option to have a bit of down time with a book). And I work 1 in 8 weekends on top of this (in addition, no compensatory time off just extra money as we are too short staffed). And I have 2 roles outside of my 'main' job which I somehow fit into my 'free' time (roles I've been asked to take on by people outside my employer as my skills support these roles, and they are worthwhile and rewarding so I've somehow been squeezing them in too). And I am constantly being asked to do additional things at work - mentor this person, support this new project, etc etc.

And I have children, and a DH, who is massively supportive but not always in the practical sense.

Anyway, I have constantly been feeling I can't keep on top of everything, increasingly overwhelmed. And this morning, on annual leave, I cried over something I found in my home admin pile that should've done a while ago and missed. And then I had a moment of clarity and realised: this is not me, this is the situation.

No one can work an average of nearly 10 hrs a day with 3 hrs commuting AND keep on top of everything AND do the batshit thing of also taking on other roles.

So this is it. The other roles go. The actual job gets me with more 'nos' - if its not part of my core role, I'm no longer doing it unless someone else takes on something from my core role. The household tasks get better planned so more can be done by people other than me. I keep playing the lottery in the hope I can quit my job. And otherwise, I just start being kinder to myself, as somehow I've been managing this level of craziness for nearly 3 yrs.

And yes, I get this is a first world problem - I have food, and warmth, and safety, and for that I am truly grateful, but I am posting in case anyone else today is feeling overwhelmed by general life (and possibly like me feeling guilty for feeling that way), just to put it out there its possible that if you get the chance to step back and look at it, you might suddenly realised the feeling overwhelmed is entirely appropriate.

As then you can take steps (in my case, baby steps) to try and make things better.

Sending support, it's a lot! Think you're right, give up what you can and accept 'good enough' with everything else 😊

Thank you, 'good enough' is a great mantra.

And mumsnet has been helpful for getting me this far... every thread of timesaving tips I've absorbed!

Sounds like you're doing the right thing. And damn straight about your employer getting you with more no's. Enjoy it 😀

You're absolutely right. Too many of us just keep saying Yes to more and more at work. We all been to practise saying No!

Could you afford to get a lower paid job with fewer hours/less travelling? If you're out of the house for 10 hours a day, you must be missing out on seeing your children. Not trying to make you feel guilty, but you cannot get those years back

It took me a long time to accept everything didn't have to be perfect but just good enough, very freeing x

Since I had a child I say 'no' by default now to additional tasks beyond my core job. I'm public sector so no bonus to worry about. If I say 'yes' the bonus is extra stress and unpaid hours- which I'd rather use for my homelife. I've found being useless helps people ask less for extras, I was far to efficient and busy pre- baby and it did me no favours.

🥂 celebrate!

I had the exact moment quite a few years ago. Change what you can & allocate the rest. My life is soo much better now, I even have time for my hobby.

The other good thing is, as DC get older, they will not be quite as needy - unless they need money or a lift! 😆

Well done OP. I has this realisation a couple of years ago and it's taken me a bit of time but now I mostly work my paid hours only per week, have sacked off the the 'doing good for the community' stuff for a bit, spent more time with my family and taken up a couple of new hobbies. I'll go back to the community stuff when I'm an empty nester I expect but loving my new life balance. I still squirm a bit when saying no unfortunately. Being a default people pleaser is a pain and I'm still working on it.

Good on you for taking steps to remedy the situation. It's so easy to fall into the trap of doing too much and ending up completely burnt out. Look after yourself first and foremost, then you can look after other people.

@ThatAlbinoCat thats an excellent question that I’ve pondered a lot… it’s quite complex and I think at the moment the answer is unfortunately no, but I think the next stage of this will be trying to get it to a yes.

@NewmummyJ my job also has no bonus so like you state the bonus is more work and stress!

honestly cannot believe I’ve been managing it for this long… definite frog in boiling water vibes

It is amazing what a sudden moment of clarity like that can do, isn't it?

I really think you ought to look at finding a job nearer home. You must be spending huge sums on fuel and vehicle maintenance at the moment, and taking that into account would mean you could take on another role which pays less, but travel costs are lower. There's no getting away from the fact that 3 hours driving a day is tiring in itself.

Well done for recognising that you are doing too much OP it's just a job your health and your family are much more important take good care of yourself 💐

Are you a medic? All sounds very familiar. What about LTFT? Some specialities will do competency based progression

The only way to eat an elephant is bite by bite.

I had a similar moment of realisation about 18 months ago. It has taken a lot of unpacking and one or two false steps but has been incredibly positive overall and we got there. Get to work on your elephant!

Hi OP.

As someone with overwhelming levels of overwhelm (last night I cried in bed, thinking of everything I’d been through this year and how I’d fucking battled adversity that you couldn’t believe and come out smiling) I have one tip, as an hour-commute-each-way-woman.

Audible.

I have two hours of “reading” a day and if the book is good (and ditch it if it isn’t) then the time in and out from work is more of a nice zen regardless of traffic.

I realised and acknowledged (which is the key bit for me) that

I can do anything
But
I can't do everything

And it has changed my thinking and my behaviour quite a bit - this is probably outing as I'm telling everyone in my circle/at work etc as it's a bit of a revelation to me 😬

Thank you for all the great tips!

@JennyForeigner bloody love this. Obvs not endorsing eating elephants, but a great phrase

@Rosesroseseverywhere this is so, so true. I remember about a yr ago when I was offered a paid consultancy alongside my job (no conflict of interest so could have done from job point of view) DH was encouraging me to take it and I drew up a drawing of my week with each hr coloured in for work, travel, sleep etc and I remember sating ‘I can do it but when would I do it?!’ (In retrospect, it was rather dense of me at that point to not realise how unsustainable it all was)