How to talk to my child about potential ASD / ADHD?

[LooRollLorraine]

I highly suspect that my son had both ADHD and ASD for many reasons. My son often puts himself down saying he's stupid, that he was born different, his brain doesn't work and half jokingly says he's autistic or has ADHD.

The main issue is my husband. He is adamant that there is nothing 'wrong' with my son and is extremely dismissive of the notion that my son may have ADHD / ASD. I have tried 4-5 times to try and get my son diagnosed over the years, but each time husband has found out and flipped out at me in anger and prevented me from pursuing a diagnosis. But many of the symptoms my son displays are seen by my husband as poor / annoying behaviour - my son not listening, making constant repetitive noises, anxiety, 'not caring', being immature, can't focus, etc. My husband gets very frustrated and yells and puts him down. No matter how many times I try and bring up the potential that his symptoms are due to ADHD (I dare not even mention ASD!!) my husband yells at me, puts me down, tells me our son is nothing like me, and basically will not entertain the notion of it. It always ends up in a massive argument.

Because of this I feel the only way to try and progress with looking into a diagnosis is to get my son on board with it and for him back this and to want to explore a diagnostic route. This would mean me having a series of discussions with my son to understand and explore his struggles and really look into whether he would like to seek help for them. and essentially going behind my husbands back to do so. At the moment my son's view of ASD and ADHD has been tainted by my husband, and he views them as bad so it's also going to have to be an educational bit for him as well.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to talk to my son about all this?

Disclosure so as not to be accused of drip feeding - after wondering what was wrong with me my whole entire life, I was diagnosed with ADHD at 40. I, along with my mum and dad both also now believe my dad has suffered with undiagnosed ADHD all his life. My younger brother was also diagnosed at 25, but failed to tell any of us 😑

WTF, your brother didn’t “fail” to tell you anything. He chose not to share his private medical information.

"as you know, I have ADHD. This means my brain struggles to get organised and I get easily distracted. It's not exactly a broken brain, it just doesn't quite fit in the expectations of modern life. In cave man days us ADHD people with our impulsive behaviour and creativity would have been the great innovators. You need people who see things differently to do things differently.
Autism is the same. It's a different way of looking at the world - a rarer way. Because most people have ordinary brains the world and education and work is all set up for them, which is why it's harder to be autistic or have ADHD than to be typical.

Anyway - these things often run in families. I know you have talked about it over the years, but in all seriousness it's completely possible that you could also have ADHD or be Autistic. It's up to you whether you want to investigate. You just need to remember that it's not wrong to have these brain types, it's not inferior, it's not broken. It's just different."

How old is your son? It will affect how you communicate with him.

Well yes true. Admittedly failed is not the right word. Fair enough. He was living at home at the time and struggling with school and life as was I. I am just frustrated that he chose not to tell any of us, because if he had my life and struggles throughout, the self hatred I've had for myself and lack of confidence along with the mental and emotional abuse I've suffered from my husband could have been a lot different and resulted in me seeking out a diagnosis much earlier.

That being said, this post is about me seeking help for my son, so I'd appreciate advice on that from anyone else with advice / experience to share.

13 (although very young / immature for his age)

I think AutismProf has nailed it.

My main thing is - and yes, admittedly this is my fault, is that my son does not know I have ADHD.

I have not told any of my friends that I have it. The only people that know are my immediate family & husband and my boss. My son is very immature and doesn't really judge social situations that well. He overshares personal details and inappropriate things to both his friends and their parents. Because if this I'm very worried that he would discuss the fact I have adhd with them and it would get back to my friends.

And yes, I'm aware that I have my own issues surrounding this, but in the end it's not my sons place to be discussing my own diagnosis openly and I know he would likely do it which is why I've not told him. I will for sure when the time is right, and have been thinking about doing it soon. But I'm still quite worried for the reasons above

How is your son managing? Can he maintain friendships, is he coping at school etc?

If he's struggling then a diagnosis may help open up some additional support. If he needs extra help then that could be a pivotal factor in telling your husband that, for example, your son needs additional exam time and you need to get his needs assessed to get that.

Unless you can go private though a diagnosis is likely to take at least a couple of years. Support is also very limited, especially if your son is mostly managing.

On another thread about ADHD a poster mentioned something that may be of use? Try googling ' ADHD Foundation ' There is leaflet for teenagers under Resources, l think

In that case,OP, the very first thing you need to shed is the shame. Why would it matter if people knew you had ADHD? People label others anyway - scatty, disorganized, feather brained, whatever. You are who you are.

This deep rooted shame about the way we are wired is so very damaging. You are a brain minority, that is all. Just like if you had green eyes or were left handed.

Shame is corrosive. Don't pass it down to your son. If he perceives that you are all worried in case anyone finds out - how is he then supposed to feel about being neurodivergent?

It's who you are. Accept it, lose the shame, stop the cycle.

You say you have ADHD - what about your husband?
Could his behaviour be motivated by the way he was treated for doing or expressing similar things as a child, or what he was told the consequences might be?
I'm just noticing that your husband is very firm that your DS is not "like you" but he in your post does seem to be displaying a certain level of poor listening/inflexibility/not caring/'big feelings' himself!

I don't think there's any need to push it unless he is asking to at 13. He is old enough to join the dots himself or at least ask for help.

My dd worked out she was autistic aged 10, we hadn't really discussed it with her because she was diagnosed age 2. She was told to do a presentation on any subject at school and presented to her class what it is to be neurodiverse, we didn't know she knew the term even... her teacher was very impressed at her insight and she actually was consulted on the designing of the new autism unit at her school!

You suggest that you don't want your friends to know. If they know anything about ADHD, they will already know - and quite a lot may have some ND traits themselves.

If they know nothing about ADHD and they judge you - for your innovative thinking and creativity - then you need better friends.

Have you spoken to your sons senco at school? Or form tutor? They may well be able to support or even lead the referral for assessment. Would your husband be more amenable to the suggestion from school?