Can I really keep going?

[ImTiredBoss]

I'm 35 and all my life I have been overweight/obese. Not to go into the finer details or use them as excuses because I know that's a cop out, but for context I suffer from awful depression, panic disorder and anxiety. I have had several breakdowns over the years and twice have had to leave employment because I was too mentally unwell to work.

My illnesses make me not care about myself and I have neglected myself and I look and feel like absolute shit. I need to lose 10 stone .

Five weeks ago I made the decision to once again try and turn things around. I wasn't really even in the right frame of mind but I forced myself into making meal plans, shopping for fresh food, cutting down on takeaways and snacks etc. I still have treats but I've limited them and opt for fruit or yogurt instead.

I have managed to lose a stone, which of course I am thrilled about. But to be honest, half of me feels... really down. These 5 weeks have not been easy and I feel embarrassed to admit this, but I have really struggled with eating healthily and I miss stuffing crisps and cheese into my gob for a quick fix 😩 I'm finding this so, so difficult and it's making me feel depressed that I have another 9 stone to lose and it basically feels like I'm having withdrawal symptoms or something?!

Why am I like this? I want to keep going because being obese is fucking miserable and I don't want to be anymore. But I miss overeating. I miss the thing that's making me miserable... I can't make sense of it, can you?!

Will it get easier, or will I just be miserable as I lose more weight? Can I really keep going to lose the other 9 stone? It's fucking relentless and I hate it 😭 don't get me wrong when I see that I've lost the weight on the scales every week I'm overjoyed. My clothes are a bit more loose and it gives me happiness to see. But... I miss bingeing on crap. I feel like I am supposed to be enjoying the healthy lifestyle like the people on my insta who have lost weight. But my reality is so much different.

Help!😫

It's a ginormous life change. You're changing the habits of a lifetime. It's not going to be smooth or feel awesome all the time. Or even most of the time.

Edited: Sorry my one year old mashed the keyboard while I was doing a sudden toilet run with my 4 year old and she posted it. 😱

Would a club like Slimming World or Weight Watchers help? Not for the actual diet itself but for the morale support and to meet other people who are struggling too.

There are also online weight loss programmes and other schemes which might help you feel less alone.

Concentrate on small targets- like losing half a stone at a time. You'll get overwhelmed and feel helpless if you always focus on 10 stone as it will seem insurmountable.

Also with your diet, concentrate on small targets rather than a radical change all at once- more fruit/veg, no takeaways etc. Take it a week at a time.

If you can afford it, therapy would also be very useful to address the underlying reasons of your issues would probably be very useful.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. You are more than your weight and will have so many good qualities. It doesn't define you as a person.

But I miss overeating. I miss the thing that's making me miserable... I can't make sense of it, can you?!

Of course you miss it, you did it for a long time and food was meeting a need for you - and crisps, chocolate etc taste good so you get a bit of a “hit” from eating them, which keeps you going back for more.

You’re early on in a huge lifestyle change so it’ll be up and down at the moment, over time you’ll get used to eating differently but just now you’re missing the thing that helped you through the day. Many people get a month or two into a new change and find it hard to sustain - you’re not unusual in that. Give yourself some grace, if it was easy you’d have cracked it before now.

Haha, no worries 😆 thank you for replying.

Yes, logically I know you're right and that it takes time for the brain and body to get used to sudden, huge changes. I've been scrolling through insta and tiktok for inspiration and motivation from people who are on the same journey as me, or who have been through the journey and lost the weight. They all state how happier and better they feel eating healthy. Some even go on to say they didn't even find the process difficult.

I am trying to understand what is wrong with me then because I am not fucking enjoying it and I'm struggling 🤣 perhaps these people are just naturally more strong willed than I am, but it does make me feel pathetic and disgusting for being sad that I still want to binge eat.

They all state how happier and better they feel eating healthy. Some even go on to say they didn't even find the process difficult.

People lie. There’s not much mileage in saying they found it difficult, that they still crave pizza and that actually sometimes they’re bored with their food. I imagine if you asked them at the start of their process, they’d have had similar feelings to you. Now they see the benefits, it may feel for them that it wasn’t as difficult as they thought it would be but in real time I imagine the story would be quite different.

Thank you for your reply 🙂

I did used to go to Sw and WW years ago. As you say, it wasn't to follow the diet but just to have somebody Weigh me each week. I lost almost 3 stone on SW, the only problem is I really don't like the groups 🙈 I found them so boring, probably because I wasn't even following the plan, so I felt like when it came to me, I had to lie to everyone about what I had done that week to lose the weight! Felt a bit like a fraud, haha. Then, when I stopped going to the group and just showed up for Weigh in, the leader would always hound me about coming back to the group, she would even send me text messages. Really put me off joining again.

I like your suggestions of online weightless programmes, that sounds like it would be a better fit for me. I will have a Google now and see what i can find. I really don't mind losing the weight alone, in fact, this time I have chosen to not tell anybody I am losing weight and it has been so much easier than having Tracey from work giving me unsolicited weight loss advice if I dare eat anything other than a rice cake and a glass of water on my lunch break.

I'll also write a list of smaller, more manageable targets and focus on them rather than the whole goal. Therapy, unfortunately, isn't really something I could afford right now, but will try your other suggestions, thank you so much 😊

I think that you're struggling because you've not set enough motivating goals. Can you book something as a reward or to aim for, like a holiday next year? You could set a goal for another stone off by Xmas, another by Easter and another by next autumn you will have lost 5 stone, which would be a massive achievement. Can you join a weightless club? If you give up or regain the weight then what will your life look like? How different would it look and feel if you were 5 stone lighter in a year?have you visited the Dr to explore options?

Btw, that first stone and starting is usually the hardest part, so we'll done!

Thank you so much for your reply.
Yes, you're completely right, I used food to fill a void and meet a need. Used it as a crutch, I guess. My brain and body are now rebelling because I took that "crutch" away, and now they have to find another way to help them cope, and they don't like it. Does that sound right, or am I talking a load of old bollocks? 😂

I'm so very glad to hear it will get easier. It doesn't feel like it right now, so I needed someone to tell me that it will. I just have to weather the storm.

My brain and body are now rebelling because I took that "crutch" away, and now they have to find another way to help them cope, and they don't like it. Does that sound right, or am I talking a load of old bollocks?

Not bollocks at all. It’s the same with anything we use to cope, once we stop doing “the thing” we crave it because it met a need. Finding another way to meet that need is the psychological process behind weight loss - I think sometimes knowing it all part of a normal process of adapting helps us stay the course.