Become more selfish as I age

[Helensway]

Hi,
i’m 43, divorced with 2 dc’s in mid/late teens.

all of my life I’ve been a people pleaser, often to my own detriment. An example of this is me arriving at work an hour early to make sure that everything was ready for my team- this was unpaid and not part of my t’s&c’s.

I’ve struggled to say no to people abs have just gone along with things for an easy life.

I’ve no idea why, but I had a bit of an epiphany recently and decided it was time to start prioritising my needs. I’ve stopped arriving early for work and now go to the gym, or swim each morning.

my boss has asked me why I’ve stopped arriving early, and it i’d be interested in starting an hour each day, for pay. I said no! When she asked why, I replied “ because I don’t want to”. She looked visibly taken aback!

I just feel that I’ve reached a point where I don’t want to do things that I don’t want to do. Does anyone else feel this way?

That's not even selfishness, OP, it's redressing the balance at last!

To be fair, it's nice that your boss was offering to pay you. She probably thought you'd be pleased (since you used to do it for free anyway)?

Go Girl!
You do you... finally!
If you lie down for people they will walk over you.

I agree and she’s lovely- I just don’t want to do it

It’s an age thing just wait til you hit 50!

Yep, I pretty much never do anything I don’t want to do (except take the dogs out in the pissy rain, can’t get out of that) say no to things I don’t fancy, generally prioritise my own needs first. But I’ve always been like this and I wish more women were!

OP, good for you.

You deserve the best life for yourself.

You could agree with her and ask for a pay rise!

That you arrived an hour earlier for no money, time to put yourself first. Nobody works for free.

She looked visibly taken aback! Of course! She's been taking advantage of you. probably while cashing in, you doing the work

Yes absolutely, same age and I think it’s just about learning to be more efficient with our time and energy.
I do make an extra effort if it’s something that makes a lot of difference to someone but think used to put a lot of effort into things that weren’t ultimately so consequential and then miss the important things.

I think it's an age thing.
I've got to 53 and nobody has yet instantaneously combusted when I've said no to something.
I would encourage younger people to embrace the word no earlier in life.

It's a 40s thing! I've started to learn the art of saying No to things I don't want to do and prioritising what makes me happy rather than pleasing others all the time. On a subconscious level, it's probably realising time is starting to close in!

@Justmuddlingalong

I've got to 53 and nobody has yet instantaneously combusted when I've said no to something.

With some people, I'd be tempted to say no more often just to watch that! 🔥

prioritising what makes me happy rather than pleasing others all the time.

So agree with this.

Because you (I) get burnt out by it.

I've learnt people can be givers or takers, I was always a giver, loads of takers in life. Time to set boundaries.

I was a people pleaser for way way too long especially with friends. Things came to a head after a camping trip and I no longer see two of them now.

with gym/swim think of it as prioritising your Heath and sod work.

It's not selfish, it's owning your life. Im46 and feel exactly the same.

It has taken me until 60 to actually think about me ! I now have decided to do what fits in with me ,rather than compromising! My good friends and colleagues will understand.

I relate to this. I'm nearly 50, life is thundering by at alarming speed and it's way too precious to waste time doing things I don't actually want to do.

Good on you OP!

It's not called the Fuck It 40s for nothing

I used to be a people pleaser in my old job, and let management walk all over me, until I realised I was no better thought of and treated like utter shit. In the end, no matter how much I could've done with the extra cash I always said no to them

It’s definitely an age thing, but rather than seeing it as selfish, I see it as knowing my worth!

It's called Joining the Can't Be Arsed Club and I love it. I don't waste my time doing things I don't want to or spending time with people who are knobs.

55 here and firmly in the 'can't be arsed' club.
My priorities are my family ..and myself.

Work started putting more and more demands out (for terrible TA pay) ...so I went supply. Work the days I choose, no meetings, no performance targets... come home and walk the dog :)
I look after my grandson several days a week and I will bend over backwards to support my (few) good friends and my family... everyone else can just fuck off!
I now have hobbies and life is good!

Not so sure. She was quite happy to let OP carry on doing it for nothing, and only offered pay when she stopped.

I've been doing this for 11 years when I had an epiphany about my marriage. I am now happily divorced and remarried, retired and having a great life.
Dumped flaky friends and dumped feeling responsibile for other people's happinesss.