In tears at the thought of therapy ending

[feelstupidfotgettingsoupset]

I feel so, so stupid.

I’ve had therapy on and off for most of my adult life. I’ve had probably 10-15 different therapists. Half the time it works a little bit and then I’m discharged and it goes back to square one.

This time it’s different. I was admitted to hospital, referred to a CMHT, and given a CPN. I’ve been seeing her every week for about 4 months. She has been such a huge help. She’s very pragmatic and kind and just generally really good at her job. She’s been able to help me get out of a very dark place and has helped identify what the real issues are.

I’ve managed to tell her stuff - in writing - that I’ve held onto for 30 years.

She told me this week my team - her, a psychologist and a psychiatrist - are now happy I could start trauma therapy like EMDR and reprocessing with the psychologist.

I’ve found myself crying since. I don’t want to lose her support. I’m not sure I’ll manage. The thought of not seeing her every week is absolutely terrifying, especially having to talk to yet another person. She said they would probably try to get this sorted before Christmas and that I’d probably see the psychologist for up to a year or so. She also said she’s only seeing me once a week for an hour, it’s me doing all the work. But I’m not so sure.

I know I should be grateful, this is all NHS, but I’m so scared and tired tonight and keep finding myself bawling again at the thought, and don’t have anyone in real life to chat to.

That sounds very difficult OP. I hope it doesn't sound trite but ultimately it was you that did the work and were brave enough to put those things out there into words so that they could be discussed. No therapist could have made you - yes this person or this situation was the catalyst for it but I think you are missing a trick her by not giving yourself the significant credit you deserve or for acknowledging how strong you can be.

Absolutely do spend some time in your next session to tell her how you are feeling about this change and what feelings it prompted for you so you understand what steps you can both put into place to support you through it. She sounds as though she is very good at her job and therefore I'd expect that to be a helpful conversation.

Perhaps write all that down on paper, then set it aside as best you can until you speak with her next. It will be ok.

OP - look up transference. It’s well known that a good therapist can represent a mother/father figure to the patient. It can be a big wrench to say goodbye to them, knowing the therapy has ended (speaking from personal experience)!

I understand. I saw a bereavement counsellor through a hospice when my Dad was terminally ill and didn't realise that there was a limit on the sessions. When the counsellor said that it was the previous to last one, I honestly felt gutted. And a bit rejected if that's the right word? We'd built a relationship of trust and it felt like that was being taken away. And that one hour a week where I just say what was in my head without fear of worry/judgement was really important to me.

But then as time passed, I realised that she needed to help others in their journey as well as me, and I coped without the weekly session. She gave me some great ideas about writing things done, and I've carried on doing that.

It sounds like you've done well addressing these issues, and you'd built a good working relationship. And that was just as much you as them.

Are you sure you'll be discharged from the CPN? Has she said so? Some services would keep you under CMHT while you access psychology.

It's worth telling her you're scared, she can help you though that as best as she can

Definitely be honest with her about how terrified and upset you are and how you're worried about having to talk to someone new. Hopefully she will then be able to help you navigate your way through. Good luck OP, it's wonderful that this has helped you so much, well done for finding the courage to disclose what you have been through.

It’s the same team, same building so I’m not sure - she said she works under guidance of my psychologist and then psychiatrist works in tandem with them so he tells my GP what to give me. CPN said she was only going to be helping me short term to get a handle on anxiety and emotional coping.

It would be good if I could still see her but I don’t know how that would work. I only see my psychiatrist 3-4 x a year or less I think, GP just prescribes what they tell them to. I’m not sure what role she would have going forward.

I’ll look up transference, I think that makes sense re mother figure.

I’m scared some of the stuff I’ve told her isn’t nice at all and I think she understands - she told me I’ve been very brave to open up even if I had to do it in writing - but I’m scared about someone else being involved. I know she’s told psychologist what I’ve disclosed to her. I’m scared I won’t feel so safe with someone different or that they’ll judge me for what’s happened to me, and how I’ve reacted to it.

I think rejected is actually a good word for it, I almost feel like it’s ‘thanks for telling me all this very personal stuff that you’ve held onto for such a long time, now I’m going to get someone else to help you.’

I’ve looked up reprocessing and have managed to terrify myself a bit, I don’t want to talk to people about things. I can write about it but when I open my mouth I lose all sense of where I am and how old I am.

For example, when I was very small - about 3 or 4 - my mum used to take us to a cafe every single Tuesday morning.

Every single time, every week, in the cafe, my mum had a panic attack type episode but they were extreme and she would collapse and end up in an ambulance. My sister was in a buggy and I was in nursery. The cafe worker would give me a lollipop.

We’d then go to hospital and social work would come up and pick us up and take us home. Sometimes my mum would lose her keys in the process and she smashed the bottom glass panel of the door, made me crawl in and stand on a stool to open the kitchen door.

I remember not wanting to go every Tuesday but every week we went through the same thing. For a long time.

I told my CPN in writing and she said; ‘how did you feel?’

and when she asked me, I got really horribly upset, sobbing, it was like I was back in the cafe, I couldn’t breathe, chest tight and felt faint, I lost all sense of where I was. CPN had to help me reorientate by saying, you’re in x centre, it’s 2023, this happened 30 years ago, you’re an adult now, you’re safe.

I’ve never had that in therapy before, it was exhausting and terrifying.

I don’t have parents I can phone and talk to. And other adults I do know, they weren’t involved. I’m reliant entirely on what I’m remembering and I might be remembering it wrong. I feel I’m going against them by accepting help and I feel angry, rejected, grieving for childhood I didn’t get, and now feel pushed away by therapist as well, because I’ve told her stuff that’s happened to me, that needs more longer term input.

I don’t want to say to her though, I feel rejected, because I don’t want to say anything wrong.

Check if you're being discharged from CPN but also let her know that you're worried about talking about the past and you're scared of opening up to someone new. It's worth being open, they'll have heard it before

I’ve emailed her, she replied this morning and said she’ll chat it through with psychology and not to worry about it, we’ll all talk through together how to manage transition and change. Feel a bit more reassured by that.

That's great, it was great you emailed about it