All the Luck vs Struggles

[TurningtheLightOff]

Mostly just looking for understanding and perhaps some words of wisdom.

I have a friend to whom everything seems to come easy. I’m not suggesting bad things have never happened, but she never seems to have difficulties or bad luck obtaining everything good in life: great childhood, house, marriage, children, money, promotions etc.

By comparison, everything I’ve ever had has come at the end of a huge struggle. I am aware I have gained significant resilience because of this. I am stubborn and I never give up. But when I’m tired and struggling it’s so difficult not to just wish with everything I have, that for once, just once, something nice could happen without monumental mountains to climb.

I’m happy for my friend. And I celebrate all of her joys. She has no idea I feel this way. But I’m human, and sometimes when I’m on my own it really hurts that I never seem to get the breaks and every single thing she wants lands on her lap, often with very little effort on her part (by her own admittance).

Sometimes I wonder if it starts with childhood. I have a lot of child/teen trauma in my past, and had to claw my way to normalcy through that (and with a lot of therapy). And after that everything feels like constantly trying to catch up.

Any words of advice (don’t bother with ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and all that tosh - yes I know, but it doesn’t make it easier!)? Or tales of commiseration?

I know of someone who has plenty of money and every month wins more with premium bonds. Not a month goes by without a win. The first of every month, we hear about how much she’s won this time. I have premium bonds. I have never won a penny. It’s a small thing, but galling.

I have always worked from being a student until retirement. A neighbour hasn’t worked since 1990. They have loads of money. We get by.

Sometimes you have to wallow a bit and think it’s not fair, but thrn pick yourself up and be grateful for what you do have. Trite but true.

Gah not another hard-done-by thread on MN. People make their own luck in my experience - not exclusively I know someone will be along saying about some really unfair thing that happened to them - but so often its attitude to life that makes the difference

I didn’t say I was hard done by. And if people truly exclusively made their own luck then how on earth do you account for things like violence or rape or miscarriage?

Thank you for replying. I think that’s what I needed to hear: that it happens and it sucks and it’s okay that it sucks. We have this weird thing in society where it’s like ‘you’re not allowed to feel negatively about things ever’ and I think it’s deeply unhealthy. I think your approach is pragmatic.

This is exactly how I feel sometimes too, as if I've had to work hard and struggle to reach an ordinary position in life that a lot of people would take for granted. I do try to keep a bit of perspective though that I might not be seeing everything going on behind the scenes in other people's lives, and that comparisons are unhealthy and pointless because there will always be someone better off than you, and someone worse off too. Count your own blessings.

I don’t always succeed in being grateful, but it’s a bit of a mindfulness thing, living in the moment, trying to appreciate what you do have.

Some people do just have things fall into their laps, some work really hard to achieve what they have, some work hard, but don’t achieve what they deserve and some have a very hard time through no fault of their own, or perhaps because of their own mistakes sometimes.

Thank you. Reminding me of mindfulness is very helpful.